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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a selfish relative is cause of upset at home?

61 replies

LalBoggart · 27/12/2011 21:14

I have a brother in his 50s who has never married and basically has my aging parents running round and waiting on him hand and foot. They moved out a few years back but he has them round tdaily to do work for him. They do all his cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, and cooking, and sub him money constantly. They act as a taxi taking him to the pub and collecting him several nights each week, whatever the weather/time. He gets very aggressive if things do not meet his expectations. He has no job and massive debts. To say it's all dysfunctional is an understatement.
Me and my OH havent had a single night out, day out or weekend away in almost five years since our DS was born. When my parents visit they stay for a few hours and leave again. They use the reason that they do not live locally, though we have made space for them to stay over and they are always welcomed - I make meals, let them have the run of the house etc.
We realise that if we do not get regular kid free time (not including going to work) soon then it's curtains for our relationship. We have a screaming row at least once a day because we're stressed running round after a demanding child and neither of us sleep. We get a few hours in an evening of quiet time (when we don't row) and that's about it, but we're usually buggered. I've told my parents the bald truth that if they don't stop focussing 90% of their time on my bro and spend some time with our DS I honestly think we can't cope much more.
Does anyone else have anything similar to share? Any ideas of how we can get some help to get even a night to ourselves? We don't have a lot of money. We don't drink, we'd just like a lazy night/morning once in a blue moon. We get the feeling that everything is falling about our ears and we have nobody to help us.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 27/12/2011 21:17

I think you need to find a babysitter and accept your parents are unable/unwilling to help.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 21:18

So you're emotionally blackmailing them into babysitting for you by telling them your relationship will fail if they don't?

How is your relationship problems their fault?

Employ a babysitter and go out.

ilovesooty · 27/12/2011 21:18

I think a babysitter is the way forward. I think your resentment about your brother is a different issue.

Bohica · 27/12/2011 21:19

I'm not sure if I understand your post properly but have you asked your parents to babysit so you can go out for a meal?

What is so stressful about caring for your 5 year old, is it just because of the excitable holidays or a constant pressure?

And last question is what are you finding to argue about once every day?

G1nger · 27/12/2011 21:19

I agree. I live away from either set of grandparents - if I want childcare, I'll have to pay for it.

mrsmaltesers · 27/12/2011 21:19

Have you asked your parents if they could have your ds at their house? They mt think you dont actually want a night out as such? Heavy hints dont always work (have been in your position and you smetimes need to spell it out. With phonics and flashcards ...

Or could you do a babysitting swap with a friend? Could ds have a sleepover with a friend from school and then you could reciprocate.

joanofarchitrave · 27/12/2011 21:20

You sound very close to the end of your tether. Your brother sounds awful and your parents sound very tied to him but in the end, that's their choice. I think you need to stop bashing at a brick wall trying to get them to help, and get some help elsewhere.

Does your child have special needs? have you tried posting on the special needs board here re sleep?

Do you have a babysitting circle locally? Usually they are based on tokens, e.g. you have 20 tiddlywinks and each one counts as half an hour, and you 'pay' other parents when they sit, and 'earn' when you sit for them. It is more unusual to use them for time when the child is awake, but if you can find even one other set of parents who will do a regular swap with you (maybe once a month each), you are up and running, and will be able to build on that. whereabouts are you roughly?

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 27/12/2011 21:20

And when do they get time for them to focus on their relationship?

Marshy · 27/12/2011 21:21

Find a babysitter. Not everyone has parents to help out - neither do you it seems - sad but true. If you are in such urgent need, you need to take action and get some arrangements in place

zookeeper · 27/12/2011 21:21

honestly Op, if you haven't had a day, or night out in five years then it's not surprising you're struggling. Is there a problem with finding a sitter or is there more to this?

breatheslowly · 27/12/2011 21:22

I think you are going to get a pasting on here as most people don't seem to think that you should ever expect help from your parents in childcare. Your parents shouldn't be running around after your brother like that, but to suggest that the future of your relationship depends on your parents is BU and unfair on your parents. What alternatives do you have for babysitting? Could you swap it with a friend? Doesn't your ds go to bed and leave you with some time to share? How will one evening out repair your relationship?

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 27/12/2011 21:23

Does your brother have some kind of special needs, whether diagnosed or not? Becuase from the limited amount of information in your post and a working knowledge of the attitudes of the generation your parents presumably belong to, I would imagine that they are covering for him. The aggression when he doesn't get his own way combined with the fact that you (and any other siblings) aren't like that suggests that there's more going on that you're telling us or possible aware of yourself if they've protected you...

zookeeper · 27/12/2011 21:24

It's not that the OP is wrong or right to expect help from her parents; the reality is she isn't getting it and needs to look elsewhere, surely?

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 27/12/2011 21:24

You need to find a different solution. What about Sitters?

I am very sympathetic about your relationship problems, but how cruel to your parents to pile that on them while at the same time being so scathing of the way your brother treats them?

How much more do you think your parents can take?

No. Find another solution and don't add to your parents' stress. It sounds like they really don't need it.

troisgarcons · 27/12/2011 21:24

As irritating as your brother probably is, isn't the cause of troubles in your relationship.

We get the feeling that everything is falling about our ears and we have nobody to help us.

We really did have no one - our parents died/were very ill necessitaing constant hospital visit/care at home. We had no sibling help plus juggling 3 under 5 and both holding down full time jobs. It was a shit time. But you do get past it. Eventually. But it won't be until the children are self-sufficient.

How old is this "demanding" child of yours?

I take it from your post that you both work? Well leave the child at the CM/Nursery and book a day off every now and again and sleep/go out for lunch/lunch at home whatever it takes.

MsHighwater · 27/12/2011 21:25

YANBU in thinking that your brother is being unreasonable but that's a separate issue to your situation. What if you had no parents? What would be to blame for your relationship stress then? However dysfunctional the situation with your brother and your parents, you can't rely on a solution to your own situation coming from there. See if you can find local teenagers to babysit, arrange playdates with your ds's friends, figure out why your ds is so demanding that it's having this effect on your relationship. If your parents step up and help, well and good, but don't pin all your hopes on it. It would be no more right for you to expect your parents to sort out your life than it is for your brother.

3littlefrogs · 27/12/2011 21:26

I think you are displacing the blame for your problems onto your parents. It sounds as if they have enough on their plate already.

Why is one five year old child such a problem? Such a strain on your relationship?

Many single parents have several children and just have to get on with it with no help from anyone.

There must be more to this, and I don't think anyone can advise without the full story of why 2 adults cannot cope with one five year old.

Why are you not getting any sleep?

HenriettaFarthingay · 27/12/2011 21:27

I started reading the OP thinking that she was worried about her aged parents - and they must be pretty aged if her brother is 50! But no, she's just concerned that she and her husband are so unable to look after one five year old child, that they need the help of the aged parents as well.

Don't be so selfish - get yourself a paid babysitter and start thinking of others for a change. It's not up to your parents to 'save' your marriage, it's up to yourselves.

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:27

set up a baby sitting circle of 4 or 6 friends. start with 10 beads each. use them to 'pay' any of the baby sitters - one bead per hour but two beads per hour after midnight. all kids must be in bed when babysitter arrives in the evening. works a treat for me and my friends.

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:28

... so you use a babysitter for 3 hours and you pay 3 beads. next week you might be asked to babaysit for another babysitting group member and earn your beads back. simple.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 27/12/2011 21:28

Two different situations. Your brother sounds a nightmare but that's got nothing to do with your marriage.

If your relationship is in such a way that a lack of a night out will finish it then you've got bigger problems than you're admitting to tbh. I'm not quite sure what your parents have to do with that.

prettyfly1 · 27/12/2011 21:29

I really think you are being very unreasonable - so your poor parents are abused and pushed around by your nasty bro and you think its your turn to do the same, blaming them if they dont look after your kids and your relationship breaks down? When exactly do their selfish demanding children get palmed off on someone so they can have some time to focus on their relationship?

I get your brother is an arse. I get you are tired. One word. Sitters. Get one. Get out. Enjoy yourselfs. Leave your poor folks alone.

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 27/12/2011 21:30

Brother or 50 means parents of 70+

I wouldn't expect people over 70 to look after an energetic child!

prettyfly1 · 27/12/2011 21:30

yourselves even. Fricking phone.

Hassledge · 27/12/2011 21:30

Your sense of entitlement is quite breathtaking. I have no living parents - many people are in the same boat, or are estranged from their parents or live miles away or whatever. They cope - we all do.

Your parents are in no way responsible for sorting out the state of your marriage. And tbh if you're having blazing rows every single day then you're way past the point where an evening out is going to sort things for you. Find a babysitter and use the time to go and see Relate.

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