to think a selfish relative is cause of upset at home?

[LalBoggart]

I have a brother in his 50s who has never married and basically has my aging parents running round and waiting on him hand and foot. They moved out a few years back but he has them round tdaily to do work for him. They do all his cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, and cooking, and sub him money constantly. They act as a taxi taking him to the pub and collecting him several nights each week, whatever the weather/time. He gets very aggressive if things do not meet his expectations. He has no job and massive debts. To say it's all dysfunctional is an understatement.
Me and my OH havent had a single night out, day out or weekend away in almost five years since our DS was born. When my parents visit they stay for a few hours and leave again. They use the reason that they do not live locally, though we have made space for them to stay over and they are always welcomed - I make meals, let them have the run of the house etc.
We realise that if we do not get regular kid free time (not including going to work) soon then it's curtains for our relationship. We have a screaming row at least once a day because we're stressed running round after a demanding child and neither of us sleep. We get a few hours in an evening of quiet time (when we don't row) and that's about it, but we're usually buggered. I've told my parents the bald truth that if they don't stop focussing 90% of their time on my bro and spend some time with our DS I honestly think we can't cope much more.
Does anyone else have anything similar to share? Any ideas of how we can get some help to get even a night to ourselves? We don't have a lot of money. We don't drink, we'd just like a lazy night/morning once in a blue moon. We get the feeling that everything is falling about our ears and we have nobody to help us.

Look I was a little harsh in my last post, I am in a similar position to you, (indulged brother who should he looking after himself but doesn't) so I do understand your frustration, but what you are describing - tiredness, rows over stupid things, no time - it's all normal and only you can Chang things

Your parents won't change, accept that, don't fight it and put your time and energy into your family and friends. Your parents probably treat you the way they do as they see you as the 'strong one' - strange as that may sound!

running wilde - OK fair enough! :D Reading my OP it does sound very bad - I was angry and ranting and chose to spill on here as it's anonymous. Least I've given some people something to get their own stress out on....Truth is I'd rung them to make sure they'd not been running about all day and had started their Christmas books but I heard another long tale about debts, which made me burst into tears and spill out that we were struggling/fed up with hearing about him/why won't they slow down/DS misses them, etc...

I think they do see me as being able to cope alone, I've had that hinted at before.

I think sometimes people on MN can be so harsh about wanting/asking/considering parents to babysit. It doesn't sound to me like you are being especially unreasonable tbh, just at the end of your tether and needing a bit of time to yourself. I do agree with others though that I don't think asking your parents is the solution and you should look for a paid babysitter.

I never think it's unreasonable to consider your parents might babysit for you. Yes, they have 'done their bit', but what parent wouldn't want to help out their adult children and spend time with their grandchildren? Personally, once my children are all adult, I'd be more than glad to help them out with babysitting or in any way I can. Not pander to their every need, that's something different, but helping them, yes.

midori1999 - I know. We've coped for all of this time, and the light at the end of the tunnel is he is getting old enough now to cope with being left with someone unfamiliar - if we can find someone. I accept that this has all kinds of other issues tied up with it and I should probably just walk away. Though the hard thing there is I'm constantly checking to make sure they aren't doing too much and that's why I constantly hear all of this crap (for want of a better word, so excuse me). Catch-22. I was tinkering last year with chucking over my work and moving there during the week to make sure they were OK as I'm distant from it all and my OH reminded me about the bullying and I got a grip.
I'm also worried now that somehow he will find this and I'll be in for it then!

Anyway, I'll leave it here for now and take some sage advice and not wait until I am tired before going to bed, even if I do lie awake. Feel free to rip me up, maybe I need a kick in the bum and yes, that OP did sound horrible! But don't think I've ever demanded anything - I've not. I've never even mentioned it until I finally got upset tonight. And thanks for the space to vent, you have all made me feel a hell of a lot more positive and my OH is happier too that I have got some things off my chest and can see that the two things are different issues. We have some things to consider so thank you :D

Lal, hope you get a good night. I do have a lot of sympathy for how you feel. My useless deadbeat brother made full use of my mum's good nature for years. She was scared he couldn't cope (he really isn't quite "right"), blamed herself for him being premature, then blamed herself for helping him too much, and ultimately she was frightened he'd kill himself.

Being a "coper" is bloody hard work, but to be fair it sounds like that's what you are, and you've blown up because life is tough and it must feel unfair. But resist the temptation to compete with your brother to be equally burdensome to your parents. It sounds like they have enough on their plate.

You are placing too much stress on yourself lal. you must distance yourself from it and look for ways to destress, talk to your doctor about your sleep problems, maybe think about a meditation course to help you relax, etc.

It is hard to get time out with your other half when there is no help available, I am in that boat too but I know what I need to do is look for a good sitter. My eldest has his hours at a nursery and his keyworker has given me her number as she can babysit for me (I asked her). Maybe you have someone like that you can ask?

X

Is your DS in some form of daycare while you work? They may be able to provide a babysitter (at a cost). Why not see your GP about your sleep issues?

I don't think OP is being unreasonable to expect her parents to pay more attention to her and her DS.

If they visit and then swiftly leave to go and see DS's uncle then maybe they aren't giving him the attention that would be good to build a solid Grandchild-Grandparent relationship.

OP was brought up by her grandparents so has good ideas of what a grandparent does....and she is seeing that her parents aren't giving that to her son.

I might be wrong, but that's how it seems to me, anyway!

I dunno, Needles. I'm not sure anyone has a right to expect anything much of grandparents. If you happen to get lots of help and have a lovely close relationship then that's a bonus, for sure. But it's one of those things that's a privilege, not a right.

Having children doesn't automatically commit you to providing emotional and financial support to them for the rest of your life. People get old, many get burned out with it all. Some spread themselves lavishly, in all directions, others thinly or not at all. It's their choice, and it can't be forced.

I think that as an adult, you have a responsibility to accept your parents' decisions in this regard. As parents ourselves, we know what they've already done for us for a couple of decades.

Your DS must go to pre school/nursery. Ask the staff/parents for anyone they know. I have a teenager on my road who is brilliant (and cheap).