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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother in law to give me a couple of weeks??

56 replies

waitingforalittlelamb · 27/12/2011 18:11

I am currently pregnant with my first and due in My mother in law lives in Cyprus with my 6 year old neice and her boyfriend. She informed me on sykpe just before Christmas that she is intending to "get on a plane as soon as I give birth" to be here for the first 2 weeks at least. I (very nicely) suggested it might be good if she waits a month or a couple of weeks so DH and I can get used to being parents, and you know, sleep and stuff. Also because I am pretty sure I can't cope with my hyperactive neice as well as her and the boyfriend when I will be in god knows what state.

She seemed fine with it all and then I find out she has had a proper go to my sister in law and told her she's not coming because "she knows she when she's nt welcome", sister in law firmly on my side but MIL not listening.

It's not that I don't appreciate the support but she's very 'full on' and they won't really have anywhere else to go if they are in the country.

Am I being unreasonable and just be grateful she wants to be here or is it not really the end of the world if she comes a couple of weeks later??

Thanks!!!!

OP posts:
WTFlike · 27/12/2011 18:51

I had people (my mother) staying after I gave birth. It was HORRENDOUS. Don't do it OP, have a few weeks to yourselves to find your feet.

GloriaStitz · 27/12/2011 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Backtobedlam · 27/12/2011 18:59

Make sure you do what you want. With our first mil announced she was coming to stay to 'help' and I didnt say anything even though I felt uncomfortable as I didn't want to rock the boat. The first week was soooo stressful...mil was anti bf and refused to be in the same room as me feeding, repeatedly told me the baby would have to wait to be fed as couldn't possibly be hungry as it hadn't been 4 hrs since last feed, insisted we all sat at the table for dinner and baby was left to cry...and the list goes on. I have always regretted not doing what I wanted in those first few weeks and really think you should stick to your guns. YANBU, you can't make all of the people happy all of the time, so do what's right for you.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 19:02

My sister came to see me when my ds1 was 2 months old. This was fine.

My MIL came to stay a few days before ds2 was born, mostly to help look after ds1. It was a nightmare. In the first week, ds2 had chocolate bars for breakfast every day. He never had his clothes changed, so wore filthy clothes and underwear every day. MIL was a total primadonna, and we fell out. She spent the month sunbathing in our garden smoking cigarettes, and refusing to lift a finger to help with anything. The reason? I was drugged up on morphine, dizzy and ill, and was not "polite enough" when I told her the sink was dirty so maybe not the best place to store babys dummy.

Original poster
waitingforalittlelamb · 27/12/2011 19:06

Just to clarify my mum passed away 2 years ago so I am absolutely not favouring my mum over my MIL. My dad lives close but won't come over until I ask him too. I just feel a bit under pressure that I'm going to have to 'entertain' when I don't know how I'm going to be feeling.

I am absolutely not sayings she can't see her grandchild, just was hoping I'd have a couple if weeks to get used to everything first. We haven't discussed where she would stay, I had imagined a B&B but as previously said they would just be coming to see us so am imagining they will be here every day. Can't help thinking if she lived in this country we wouldn't see her every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforalittlelamb · 27/12/2011 19:09

Thanks GloriaStitz your right, that's my big concern, it's not a couple of hours then back home, it's a holiday for them.

OP posts:
golemmings · 27/12/2011 19:30

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. We refused house guests for the first 3 weeks with both of ours. With dd my parents and mil came up for the day and my parents came and stayed in the next village for a week after DH went back to work. Mil was offered the same but didn't want to stay in a b&b on her own or with my parents and there were tears and all sorts because she couldn't stay here and help.

Having said that, when DS was born 2 years later I was slightly miffed that she wasn't kicking the doors down to see him and was too busy to come up for a couple of weeks and indeed was uncontactable the day he was born which was the day I was booked into be induced. If a mothers' place is th the wrong, then mils definitely can't do right for doing wrong.

DexterTheCat · 27/12/2011 19:43

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think the issue here is more that she would expect to stay with you rather than anything else???

My MIL turned up 3 days after the birth of DS2 from an island in the Carribean. Our relationship has never recovered. It was hell on earth. I thought we had a good relationship until then. I was aware she would be coming to England after the birth but DP as is his wont didn't tell me she had booked a flight for a week after my due date until we started discussing dates for a possible inducement when I went overdue. He was still expected to drive down to London and pick her up at 6am from Gatwick (we live in the North of England) even if I hadn't given birth leaving me on my own about to go into labour. She had lived in London for 30 years so plenty of family or friends she could have stayed with for a few days down there.

Anyway I had had DS2 and DP drove down to London overnight to pick her up. She arrived expecting to be treated like a guest. She spent most of the two weeks with us laying on the settee watching tv and being waited on hand and foot. Her idea of being 'helpful' was holding DS2 so I could 'clean' or make meals for her. DP had been made redundant prior to the birth so was working for an agency with no paternity,sick or annual leave so he was out of the house all day. She also expected me to drive her to see her friends and take her shopping. I actually suggested a barbeque (it was August) so she could invite all her friends to ours rather going on separate visits but apparently she doesn't like barbeques (I had one anyone to welcome DS2 when he was 10 days old and she sat in a corner like a black cloud whilst I tried to entertain her friends who I'd never even met before.)

And before anyone says anything I had already banned my Mum from coming to stay to 'help'. It's very claustrophobic having someone in the house when you've just had a baby. It's like a massive invasion of privacy. I was BFing and wanted to be able to wander round naked if I wanted or lie on the settee BFing and amusing DS1 without someone charging around obssesively tidying and cleaning and mithering me to get out of my PJs (my mother).

I didn't mind anyone coming to visit for a couple of hours although preferred to go to them to be honest. I certainly didn't want anyone staying in my house so YANBU.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 27/12/2011 19:44

Yadnbu. I had my mil at the hospital in the waiting room, she was desperate to see her first gc, my mum got to watch the birth, but I said mil couldn't come in until I had got my knickers back on. In the event I needed about 150 million stitches so dh ended up carting ds out to see mil in the waiting room. It's nothing to do with the mil/mum thing more about the fact that mil will need somewhere to stay and not just mil but young child and partner too.

allohora · 27/12/2011 20:14

Sounds like you have not thought about how she might feel "wait a month or so" - not nice if she is eagerly anticipating her grandchild's arrival. Can appreciate where you are coming from but sounds like you could have put the message across in a nicer and more considerate way.

Re "hyperactive niece" Good luck with motherhood, by the way...

sleepevader · 27/12/2011 20:23

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Personally i found that 2 weeks in was when I needed help- when the tireness had set in and dp had returned to work. It also means by then you are gaining confidence as a parent. Maybe you could Use this approach towards your mil.

Original poster
waitingforalittlelamb · 27/12/2011 21:03

Well thank you for the mostly helpful responses, shall have a natter with her and DH and find a solution to fit everyone.

allohora think sniggering at me was a little unnecessary, my neice has ADHD or similar due to being born addicted to illegal substances, I know how she is from the 2 years I cared for her almost full time, so thanks for your 'luck' with parenthood but think I'll probably be fine. I also suggested she wait a couple of weeks not 'a month or so'.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:11

What a mare - I'd hate my mother or my MIL being around for the first two weeks solidly. You will just need to bond and climb the steep learning curve of motherhood, deal with lack of sleep and recover from the birth. You can jolly well do what ever you like - sod what anyone else wants! If anything I do recommend having people visit for an hour or two max and bringing their own food, making their own drinks, getting them to shunt a hoover or duster round. You have to sit with your feel up cuddling your new baby - it's the law

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:12

yes and a hypo 6 year old in tow - nightmare!

Pandemoniaa · 27/12/2011 21:14

"In most peoples experience MILs tend to want to be waited on hand and foot after the birth of their grandchild, rather than support the new mum. Mothers tend to muck in and support both new mother and baby."

You see is the sort of nonsense that means I usually keep clear of MIL threads. Because nonsense it is. And I can say that both as a MIL and grandmother and someone who once had a MIL. Who, for all her other issues, never expected to be waited upon hand and foot when I first got home with my newborn sons.

I do appreciate your dilemma, OP and agree that a natter with your MIL and DH is likely to come up with the best solution.

SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 27/12/2011 21:20

A woman might feel totally comfortable wth her mother popping over for 2 weeks and bringing a 6 year old and her boyfriend and watching her bleed and breastfeed and cry and be hormonal. That's her choice.

It's also equally her choice if she doesn't want her MIL to be there watching all of the above. If the MIL is full on it would be hard to assume she will only pop round for a little visit then go back to her hotel won't it?

exexpat · 27/12/2011 21:21

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I had both my dcs overseas, and didn't let my parents or in-laws come to visit until a month after the birth of dc1. They had to stay with us, knew no-one else, didn't speak the language and would basically have been hanging around all day wanting to chat/drink tea/'help' when I was just wanting to get the hang of breast feeding and otherwise get some sleep and do as little as possible.

One month in things had settled down a bit and I felt able to cope with visitors so I had both sets of grandparents in quick succession.

I am a mother of a son and a daughter, and if/when either of them has children I will go and visit when it suits them, not demand to be there when it suits me.

elliejjtiny · 27/12/2011 21:21

I think you should offer her 2 choices. She can either come straight away, stay in a hotel, a few little visits to your house and do some sightseeing the rest of the time (maybe you could recommend some nice walks, national trust stuff, swimming pools, restaurants etc). Or she can come and stay with you but she has to wait until you are ready.

ILoveSanta · 27/12/2011 21:23

I would have hated for my MiL to stay for the two weeks after the birth! Not much chance though seeing as we invited them to come and visit when I was in hospital the day after the birth (which was late at night, so the first day after he was born!) and they were having their hair done so they couldn't!

It's totally different having someone come to visit than staying and having to entertain them, look after them etc, which is what my MiL expects. My mum on the other hand would look after me. That, to me is the difference. If my MiL would come and stay and look after me so I could look after the baby, she would have been welcome with open arms. Although not if she was bringing a BF and a six yr old!

Good luck, doesn't matter what you do, someone will end up annoyed with your decision, so you might as well do what makes you happy because you will be in bits and shattered after the birth if it's anything like my ordeal!

ILoveSanta · 27/12/2011 21:24

P.S. When my MiL did visit me in hospital, she had her face practically on my boob when I was trying to breastfeed my son who was 3 days old and feeding ALL the time! It was a nightmare, never again. My boobs are private from now on!

SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 27/12/2011 21:32

(Back in the day)

My mother was having problems with her pregnancy (with me) and was visinng her mil (my grandmother) in france... She didn't speak french and my dad wasn't there so my grandmother went with her to the doctor.

And in to the examination room.

And then went fanny end to stare up her when the doc did an examination of her while she was in stirrups.

ILoveSanta · 27/12/2011 21:35

Aargh what a bloody nightmare!

sleeplessinderbyshire · 27/12/2011 21:40

i thought I'd want to do it all myself, after 48hrs I rang my mum and asked her to stay, she did for 2 weeks then she went home and the in laws stayed for another 2 weeks. do not underestimate how amazingit is to have other people there to do the washing cleaning cooking and take the baby away for an hour so you actually get some sleep. really

used2bhappy · 27/12/2011 22:01

YANBU.
both, my MIL and my parents live abroad. both were around when DC1 was born: MIL just before birth and in the week after. my parents came when Dd was just 2 weeks old. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. I had had a difficUlt labour. found being a mum very difficult. massige struggle to get the hang of breast feeding. and on top of everything else I had the house full. All I wanted was quiet bonding time with DD and it just did not happen. MIL put her nose into everything that only concerned DD and me (such as BF). I love my mum and she has always been the best support for me but I just could not stand herafter I had DD. no idea, was probably also very hormonal. I also developed eventually postnatal depression (not saying it is MIL's and my parents' fault but causing them havoc when the baby was newborn did not help).
when I was pg with DC2, I told all of them friendly but firmly that I did not want any of them around near the time of birth. my parents came when DC2 was 2 month old and MIL visited when DC2 was 4 month old. the best decision ever.

the thing is also, you don't know what kind of labour you will have, you don't know how you will feel after giving birth, you might be really exhausted or hormonal. you will have to adjust to life as a mum. make space for you and your baby, the MIL can wait.

Chynah · 27/12/2011 23:23

In defence of MILs mine came and stayed to look after DC1 the day before I went in for my CS for DC2 so I knew he was being cared for well whilst I was away. He was brought to visit me a few ours after little sister was born and when I went home house was in order and DH etc all fed and looked after. I spent 2 nights in hospital and the inlaws stayed for 3 more nights once I was home. Worked out great.