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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother in law to give me a couple of weeks??

56 replies

waitingforalittlelamb · 27/12/2011 18:11

I am currently pregnant with my first and due in My mother in law lives in Cyprus with my 6 year old neice and her boyfriend. She informed me on sykpe just before Christmas that she is intending to "get on a plane as soon as I give birth" to be here for the first 2 weeks at least. I (very nicely) suggested it might be good if she waits a month or a couple of weeks so DH and I can get used to being parents, and you know, sleep and stuff. Also because I am pretty sure I can't cope with my hyperactive neice as well as her and the boyfriend when I will be in god knows what state.

She seemed fine with it all and then I find out she has had a proper go to my sister in law and told her she's not coming because "she knows she when she's nt welcome", sister in law firmly on my side but MIL not listening.

It's not that I don't appreciate the support but she's very 'full on' and they won't really have anywhere else to go if they are in the country.

Am I being unreasonable and just be grateful she wants to be here or is it not really the end of the world if she comes a couple of weeks later??

Thanks!!!!

OP posts:
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:13

Will you make your own mother wait a couple of weeks?

Winkly · 27/12/2011 18:15

She is just disappointed. Try to build bridges if you can but you want what you want.

slavetofilofax · 27/12/2011 18:15

Of course YANBU. But it sounds like she has got the message, and if she wants to be offended by it then that's her problem, not yours. It really is her own fault for being so presumptuous and assuming that she will be wanted there.

She will still want to come and see the baby, so you will have to be welcoming at some point, but you are the one having the baby, so when you invite her is up to you. It might be worth suggesting now that she stay in a hotel rather than with you if she is full on.

pigletmania · 27/12/2011 18:15

YANBU at all. You have to stand up for yourself, i had my MIL/FIL for a month before the birth of dd, to 'help', and a month afterwards, I wish I did not, it was so stressful. They live abroad so not UK based.

xmasmummytobe · 27/12/2011 18:16

Personally I don't think YABU, I'd feel the same. There was a long thread posted in childbirth

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/1363441-How-long-after-the-birth-did-you-have-visitors

Lots of good feedback and advice there.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 18:17

It's hard to wait - but it's the price you pay if you aren't prepared to pay to stay in a B&B or whatever. Arriving to stay for a fortnight with a boyfriend and 6 yo really isn't on, until you are ready.

It doesn't matter whether the OP would do the same with her mother or not, she's NOT her mother, she's the one who has just given birth and presumably her mother would not be arriving with a 6 yo in tow.

NinkyNonker · 27/12/2011 18:20

Would she be staying with you? Yanbu if yes, I'm not a fan of house guests at the best of times (even my parents, best friends etc) let alone fresh after birth.

If she wouldn't be staying then a little more unreasonable, but well within rights to ask for a few days' grace before the first descention!

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:21

But the MIL is an equal grandmother, and she could have offered to have her stay in a B&B or whatever, I feel for the MIL she's being shut out and treated like a second class grandma if the OP is allowing her own mother to visit - the OP could have suggested MIL come on her own, the DN etc don't have to come.

I think I would have made suggestions and tried to compromise.

But then, I'm a mother of a son and I would hate to be treated differently when it came to one of my grandchildren, treated like less of a grandma. Sad

TooEasilyTempted · 27/12/2011 18:22

Sorry but i think YAB a little bit U.

Tell her of course she's welcome to come over however she can't really stay with you, and give her a list of local hotels.

Get your DH to spell it out loud and clear that she'll be welcome at the house for an hour or so at a time but arriving at 9am and leaving at 11pm and being waited on and fed and watered won't be happening.

maras2 · 27/12/2011 18:23

You should step back and let your DH. do the communicating,I presume that he's her son.6 weeks 'babymooning' should be about right.(learned that term from Ms'net)You probably can't do right for doing wrong as she sees it,so let DH.manage her.You just smile serenely,shrug and infer 'what can I do ?DH seems set on a few weeks alone.Bless'.Just hope that skype is kind to your acting skills.Best of luck and good wishes for your pregnancy and safe birth. Mx.

Kayano · 27/12/2011 18:24

It took me ages to twig that your 6 year
Old niece does not have a bf lol.

Agree with those that say if your own DM will be visiting its a bit crap to not let her come

maras2 · 27/12/2011 18:27

Perhaps 6 weeks is too long on reflection.Make your own time frame.I tend to type first,think later.

Bethshine82 · 27/12/2011 18:29

YANBU it sounds horrific!
I wouldn't have wanted my parents or inlaws around that much so early on, it is your time to adapt to having a new baby and to enjoy it and recover. It is too much to have to worry about someone else all the time.
Fair enough she wants to see her grandchild but I'm afraid her wishes come second to yours at the moment. She should wait a couple of weeks and should definitely stop somewhere else. And the relationship for the maternal grandmother is often different from the paternal. That's just how it is. Of course the mother is usually happier to have her own mother around after having a new baby, I think that is the norm. I am also a parent of a son but I accept that's how it usually is.

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:30

To any of you who have sons.

Imagine in 20 years time your son's partner is pregnant with your first grandchild.

The partner's mother is welcome the day the baby is born, the next day and for the month after.

You are told to keep away you are not welcome.

That's what you're all advocating.

FabbyChic · 27/12/2011 18:32

Id have hated my mother to have been at my home for a solid two weeks, having your own mother visiting and leaving the same day is one thing, having someone actually camp out in your home for two weeks is totaly different.

I hate the comparison on here with regards will you make your own mother wait two weeks, I doubt very fucking much her own mother wants to move in with a 6 year old and boyfriend for two weeks. Totally different scenario altogether.

Take the month on your own, don't allow it it drive you insane.

slavetofilofax · 27/12/2011 18:32

Changing, I'm the mother of sons too, but when a grandchild is born, it's not all about the grandchild, it's every bit as much about the post natal mother. If she wants her own mum around but not her husbands, then so be it. Because her own mum would be there to look after her while she looks after the baby.

It would be unkind not to allow a visit, but a visit is not the same as a houseguest for two weeks.

Iggly · 27/12/2011 18:33

I don't buy the MIL = DM treatment madness.

Having one or the other visit post birth is about mote than access to the grandchild, it's about post birth support to you as a new mum. There aren't many new mums put there who want their MIL around over their mums while they're dealing with a newborn.

I have a DS by the way and if he has kids I will not be beating down the door demanding equal access to his partner's mum.

SittingBull · 27/12/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly · 27/12/2011 18:35

And changing the OP hasn't told her MIL to stay away. She asked for some time. Not unreasonable.

Bethshine82 · 27/12/2011 18:38

Yes, I mean if your mil lived nearby you wouldn't be keeping her away whilst letting your own mother visit. It is circumstances as much as anything. I am not wild about my inlaws but appreciated they wanted to see my son so they came to the hospital the day he was born same as my own parents. But if they'd have been turning up for two weeks immediately after I gave birth it would have been a different story. I'm amazed anyone thinks the OP is being unreasonable. I can't understand why anyone would want house guests straight after having a baby, whoever the might be. A new baby is enough to contend with!

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:38

But as far as I can see, the OP hasn't offered a compromise of the MIL staying in a hotel and visiting in the day for a few hours or whatever.

At the end of the day, the MIL is a Grandma just as the op's mother and should be made welcome FOR A VISIT in exactly the same way as the OP's mother.

But, obviously, I'm in the minority Smile so I'll bow out of the thread

troisgarcons · 27/12/2011 18:41

There is a very large difference between your mother (or grandmother/sister/cousin) being at your side and random others. Doesn't matter whether those random others are blood related to the father or not (or even yourself) if you don't want them in your comfort zone, then that is the end of the discussion.

get a hotel for a month? is the MIL Jackie Onassis? I love the way this forum bandies other peoples money around for them.

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:43

trois - I'm not suggesting a hotel for a month, I was suggesting that the OP or her DH ring the MIL and try to organise a compromise of a shorter visit, of maybe a day or two, where the MIL could see the new grandchild, visit for a couple of hours each day, and then go home happy to have seen said grandchild after a couple of days not a couple of weeks even.

Ephiny · 27/12/2011 18:43

I wouldn't want either my mother or my MIL staying with me for 2 weeks, yes popping in for a visit and a cup of tea is one thing, but not hosting overnight guests. Especially when you'd be expected to accommodate MIL's boyfriend and the niece as well.

I think YANBU. You're not telling her she can't ever see her grandchild, or that she's not welcome in your home, just to wait a couple of weeks. She's survived her whole life so far without this baby, it won't kill her to wait a few more weeks! And I'd say the same if it was your own mother not your MIL, or any other relative. Newborns usually look horrible anyway, it'll probably look much more appealing after a few weeksWink.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 18:44

Yanbu.

In most peoples experience MILs tend to want to be waited on hand and foot after the birth of their grandchild, rather than support the new mum. Mothers tend to muck in and support both new mother and baby.

It is madness to suggest it is actually otherwise. I have not heard of ONE mother inlaw who has

  1. Accepted daughter in laws need for time to adjust to parenthood
  2. Not sit and demand the new mum service her insane amounts of tea while SHE the grandma coo over the new baby.

Mother in laws are the work of the devil.

I am the mother of boys, and I will go sit on an iceberg and wait to be carried off to the Northpole, if I were to behave like the standard mother of boys. We have a bad reputation. Or rather, the mothers of our partners do.....

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