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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas day alone with kids every year, so peed off!

56 replies

jada33 · 26/12/2011 20:24

I have been with my partner for 5yrs now we have 3 children and Im pregnant with our 4th, he has a 25yr old son from a previous relationship and every yr on Christmas day its the same thing he leaves our home at 9.30am to go and spend the morning with his son they go to the pub for a few drinks and he comes home for his dinner then goes to bed while I struggle with the kids and everything else, he also brings a friend home every yr for dinner as well. When he wakes he gets himself ready and goes out again, the children and me only gets to see him for around 2 hours every christmas day. I normally never say anything but Im so annoyed about it and hurt for my children. He says he hates christmas as his Mum passed away 3days before christmas 20yrs ago. Am I being selfish and unresonable for asking him to spend Christmas day with us his family?

OP posts:

goodmum123 · 26/12/2011 20:32

No yanbu. Poor you jada33 (hugs). He sounds like a selfish individual and should be there for you and the children. I think you need to tell him x

BandOMothers · 26/12/2011 20:32

Why don't you ever say anything?? That's beyond weird and selfish. Hates Christmas does he? Not enough to not share it with his son and mate! Tell him that next year his son can come for lunch and there will be no pub at all as it's shitty and hs other DC deserve his time too! He sounds like a big kid.

ClutchingAtMyPearls · 26/12/2011 20:36

I expect if you had to make a list of his good points it would be rather short would it? Are you happy in this relationship?

pantomimecow · 26/12/2011 20:38

Why do you stand for it?

shagmundfreud · 26/12/2011 20:39

What a selfish git.

Is he a good dad when it's not Christmas?

Because on the evidence you've given us here, I think you're MAD to be having another child with this man.

I mean - three children under 5 and another on the way? In this sort of situation it's got to be 'all hands on deck', or it's going to be 'hello major bout of PND'.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2011 20:43

"He says he hates christmas"
And so he decides to make sure his children and you also have good reason to hate Christmas? My, but he does love to share, doesn't he?

What is he like the rest of the year? Presumably different from this?

Bunbaker · 26/12/2011 20:47

Why can't you stand up to him? It sounds like you are making it too easy for him to treat you like a doormat.

He sounds like a selfish git IMO. Why do you have so many children if he isn't interested in them?

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 20:48

Why on earth are you not using contraception??? for gods sakes, this man is treating you like shit, yet you keep having his children.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 20:48

Some people get into quite black moods on anniversaries.

Blotting it out with drink is one way of dealing with it .

The otherway would to be to look at his family and see his mum lives on through her grandchildren. Maybe no-one has pointed that out to him before.

Original poster

jada33 · 26/12/2011 20:49

Thats wot I think! He likes christmas enough to spend it with his son and friends, it hurts so much and I feel wore down! He makes me feel like its me being selfish! He says things like Ive being doing that for 22yrs are you going to deprieve me from seeing my son on chistmas day, I would never do that but he has no consideration for our children and I hurt for them:-(I do love him and he can be nice but his son doesnt bother with him all yr round he hardly ever even answers the phone to him! I would have his son hear for dinner but he spends it at his Mums! Wot do I do there?I used to love Christmas now I just dread it coming!As I know Im going to be on my own and depressed, my children dont deserve to be treated this way I just dont know how to deal with it, every1 encluding his sisters, friends and my family say they dont know how I cope with it all, its like talkiing to a brick wall.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 20:52

He's older than you isn't he?

How much older?

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 20:53

Why can his son not come to you and see his half siblings?

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 20:54

every1 encluding his sisters, friends and my family say they dont know how I cope with it all, its like talkiing to a brick wall.

seems like you have two choices there... go to one of his family, if you get on well with them, or realise that they are trying to tell you that he is a waste of space, and get on with your life without him.

Original poster

jada33 · 26/12/2011 20:57

He is a good Dad the rest of the year and a good partner its just Christmas, I know it looks like Im a complete walk over Im usually not its just at this time of year theres no talkiing to him, I have tried to explain that his Mother would be turning in her grave if she seen the way he was carrying on and that he is going to make christmas a dreaded time of year for them as long as they live. This is definitely my last pregnancy and it wasnt supposed to happen as I was on contraceptives.

OP posts:

MixedClassBaby · 26/12/2011 20:57

'He can be nice'. Is this something he switches on and off as it suits him? Is it always like 'talking to a brick wall' when you say something he doesn't want to hear?

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 20:59

Fortunately your children are really too young to understand.

I take it he's never quite got over his mothers death?

MixedClassBaby · 26/12/2011 20:59

X post

Original poster

jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:00

Yeah hes 15 yrs older than me, but age has never really been an issue in our relationship.

OP posts:

youarekidding · 26/12/2011 21:02

so he won't deprive his adult son (who could visit you without adult help) his company on xmas day but will deprive 3 (and soon 4) young children their father's company?

You need to try again OP to talk to him or get him to talk. Sounds like he hasn't got over his mum's death and uses his 'christmas day routine' as a way to escape thinking/feeling any other way iyswim?

Original poster

jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:05

He never has got over his Mothers death she died at the age of 45. He can be good at using things for excuses and if I say things he doesnt want to hear he shuts down on me.

OP posts:

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 21:07

Jada Its really sad that his treating you and your DCs this way. You need to make it clear, this is not acceptable or else at some point soon the DCs will pick up on it, not fair. I have 3 DC who are 10,7 and 2 and it is hands on so I can only imagine how much work 3 tinies are.

cestlavielife · 26/12/2011 21:08

he needs therapy if after 20 years he cant see he now has a new family .
his adult son can have him on 24th.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 21:11

So he's around the same age she was when she died?

My FIL died prematurely - I always know my DH thinks he's going to die at the same age ...... mind can play funny tricks ....especially on anniversaries.

If he's not seeing his older son much the rest of the time,this may be the one thing they share (as irritaing as it is) the son will have a glimmer of a memory of his nan and it's all about reminiscing.

He probably thinks by closing himself off he actually isn't spoiling Christmas by being on a mega downer infront of you all.

The big question is: how to make someone come to ternms with death? and see that life goes on? and that the behaviour is actually self centred?

Original poster

jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:14

Yeah its really hard work I never get 2mins to myself,i make sure the children have a good Christmas because I really dont want them to pick up on the vibes in the house, I tell them Daddy has to work but I cant keep that up forever as children arent stupid.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 26/12/2011 21:17

Id make alternate plans for next year spend it at a family members, dont cook for him dont do anything for him if he does not want to celebrate it with you don't involve him.

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