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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day alone with kids every year, so peed off!

56 replies

jada33 · 26/12/2011 20:24

I have been with my partner for 5yrs now we have 3 children and Im pregnant with our 4th, he has a 25yr old son from a previous relationship and every yr on Christmas day its the same thing he leaves our home at 9.30am to go and spend the morning with his son they go to the pub for a few drinks and he comes home for his dinner then goes to bed while I struggle with the kids and everything else, he also brings a friend home every yr for dinner as well. When he wakes he gets himself ready and goes out again, the children and me only gets to see him for around 2 hours every christmas day. I normally never say anything but Im so annoyed about it and hurt for my children. He says he hates christmas as his Mum passed away 3days before christmas 20yrs ago. Am I being selfish and unresonable for asking him to spend Christmas day with us his family?

OP posts:
sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 21:17

You are right, they will soon egg on. You need a break too, as I say to my DC/DH, its my christmas too. Smile

Original poster
jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:18

I think he needs therapy for this behaviour but he wont go for it.
Even though I know deep down he knows he needs it.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 26/12/2011 21:19

Sorry but for goodness sake grow a backbone and tell him things need to change. YOU need to tell him and not put up with it.

FabbyChic · 26/12/2011 21:20

How does he excuse treating YOUR children so badly on Christmas Day?

Bunbaker · 26/12/2011 21:21

I'm sorry, but I don't buy this "he can't get over his mum's death" if it happened 20 years ago. My mum died 21 years ago the week before Christmas. The first Christmas was awful, but I came to terms with it. Why can't he move on?

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 21:21

Agree with running.

Original poster
jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:22

I did say that next year I would be making plans to go out somewhere for christmas day and if he did want to get involved that was up to him but I have to put my children first, I dont think that is unreasonable.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 21:22

Not everyone does move on bunbaker there is no magic recipe or formula for dealing with grief.

WhizziesMum · 26/12/2011 21:25

Is he likely to change? From what you have said I would guess he isn't willing to change his Christmas plans, therefore you need to ask yourself whether he is a good enough husband and father the rest of the year to make up for it. Because if the answer is no then the next question is whether or not you should stay with him!

It's the fact that after dinner he then goes out AGAIN that does it for me.

Sending you hugs OP.

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 21:25

Will you being going to family or friends jada? Good plan BTW

Original poster
jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:27

Every1 does deal with death differantly, but his Mother died a long painful death of cancer and she begged him to take her out off the pain she was going through I do know that haunts him because he couldnt do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:32

He is a good enough partner and father all year, and I do love him. Next year will be out to family I think it would be for the best all round.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 26/12/2011 21:34

YANBU but you have to be assertive and speak up. His son can come to yours for lunch

Original poster
jada33 · 26/12/2011 21:46

Thanks every1 for your replies and advice just helped me confirm its not me and its given me that extra bit of strengh I needed right now.

OP posts:
Turkeyfanjo · 26/12/2011 21:55

I don't know, I think some men do find Christmas in general difficult. In my case, this is the first few days my DP has had off work in months, he works 7 days a week. We have a 3 yr old DD and 7 month DS. I think he finds spending all day with them stressful simply because he's not used to it whereas for me, it's just like any other day! I'm sure he finds being at work easier because that's his comfort zone; he's a pharmacist so is used to order whereas family life is chaotic and messy. My DP is a man's man too, need I say more? You need to speak up if you're not happy though, if nothing else - Christmas is one day in a year!

exoticfruits · 26/12/2011 22:14

I normally never say anything

A huge mistake. Start now. Tell him that you have done Christmas for 5 years. Next year is his turn-he is cooking the meal and his DS can come around and join you all.

exoticfruits · 26/12/2011 22:16

I would point out that his mother would be very annoyed if she knew that she was being used as an excuse to go to the pub and ignore his family on Christmas Day.

BlissfulMistletoe · 26/12/2011 22:23

Could he have a few drinks in the house on Christmas morning with his son

Eglu · 26/12/2011 23:27

I was also going to suggest his DS could come to your house. He has 4 children, soon to be 5. Why does only one of them get to spend the day with their father?

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 26/12/2011 23:34

Yanbu, he is an arse.

snowmummy · 26/12/2011 23:40

Why would anyone stand for that?

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2011 23:47

I would have to consider how much my behaviour was facilitating his, TBH.

Bringing a friend home for Christmas dinner would be the first thing I would jettison. Is it the same friend every year, or just a random from the pub? (Unlikely I grant you, but the whole thing is so odd I feel I have to check.) This presence at the dinner table serves to stifle many things you might choose to say to him, but you wouldn't want a guest to feel caught in the crossfire. I suspect this is the main reason this guest is brought.

Fuck him going to bed after dinner too. If I had to stand in the room banging two cooking pots together repeatedly, sleep would not be possible. I'd strip the bedclothes whilst he was out and put them in the washing machine. I'd send the children in to play with daddy. He would NOT be sleeping.

He can only continue with this with your tacit agreement. You can be a brick wall too, you know.

TantePiste · 26/12/2011 23:53

I'd tell him that if he died at Christmas his 3-4 children wouldn't even notice since he has never spent Christmas with them.

But I'm sharp tongued like that.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 07:45

He can only continue with this with your tacit agreement. You can be a brick wall too, you know.

Exactly. He gets away with it because you facilitate it. Tell him now that you are not happy and next year will be different.
On a simple level I don't know why you let him go to bed-send in the DCs with their toys saying 'Daddy will play with you'. Stay in there with them and make sure that he participates-tickling daddy's feet could be a starter game-followed by bouncing on daddy. It wouldn't take many games like that to get him up. You are letting this man get away with too much.

Animation · 27/12/2011 07:55

"He says things like Ive being doing that for 22yrs are you going to deprieve me from seeing my son on chistmas day"

Hmmm - that's a manipulative thing he says there to you.

They seem to work on you - and warn you off.