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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement is off, AIBU?

66 replies

Madamolive · 26/12/2011 19:13

OH has called off the engagement, after i disclosed that i'm not too happy about changing my surname and taking his.

Im very confused, surely marriage isn't just about a name. In all honesty i love my surname and i really don't like his. Does everyone change their surnames nowadays?

It all seems so terribly petty.

Im confused and upset.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 26/12/2011 19:15

I think it's up to you what you do with your name and anybody who freaks about you not taking his name is a control freak that you really do NOT want to be married too!

BastedTurkey · 26/12/2011 19:15

YY northernlurker

Panzee · 26/12/2011 19:16

Sounds like you may have had a lucky escape. Very sad for you though. :(

NettoHoHoHoSuperstar · 26/12/2011 19:16

Have you not discussed this before?

happydotcom · 26/12/2011 19:17

No wonder you're upset

Maybe it's not just about the surname. I personally have taken DH's surname ( another one no one can spell!!) but know lots of girlfriends that haven't.
It's a very individual decision.

SquashedSquirrel · 26/12/2011 19:17

Is there nothing else going on though ie is the name change the only issue?

Personally, I feel that you should be able to do as you please with your name.

scentednappyhag · 26/12/2011 19:17

Shock I'd say keep the surname, change the fiancé! Sad for the rubbish situation though.

Crosshair · 26/12/2011 19:18

Surely you'd talk it out? It sounds about extreme him calling it off because you want to keep your own name. Confused

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 19:20

It sounds as though you taking his surname is as important to him, as keeping your surname is to you.

Stalemate

Original poster
Madamolive · 26/12/2011 19:20

No, no discussion before. We have two young children together- both which have my surname! We have been engaged for quite a few months, and now we are starting to think about dates etc. and really talk about it. I really didn't think it would be a huge issue and we both agreed with the surnames that mine was fine for the children. I have even said when we get married or even before the children can take his and be double barralled. But i just don't want to change mine!

OP posts:
Wafflepuss · 26/12/2011 19:21

Maybe he feels that if you aren't proud to call yourself Mrs X then perhaps you don't feel strongly enough about him? I know several guys who felt like this and they are both lovely, totally normal guys.

Incidentally I don't agree ith them, but it's a point of view I've come across

cece · 26/12/2011 19:21

If he is this controlling about a name, perhaps you are having a lucky escape...

Soupqueen · 26/12/2011 19:21

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I have not changed my name (well, tbh, I use my married name for restaurant bookings as it's easier to hear over the phone), it's been my name for 30+years after all.

Why would you talk about it in advance? It's not something that occurred to me prior to engagement. A man that insists on it does sound like someone you might not want to be permanently legally attached to. Is there a particular reason? A family name which has a special meaning (which you could maybe double barrel?)

FullOfFestiveSpirits · 26/12/2011 19:22

If its taken this little thing for him to call it off, was he just looking for an excuse? If you really want him back- and to my mind you would be better off without him- maybe suggest a hyphenated name, but only use the last part later (yes, I know its sneaky, but depends on how badly you want to marry the jerk man)

BogChicken · 26/12/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladyintheradiator · 26/12/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 19:24

Well that's weird if he's agreed to his children having your surname Confused

He'd be better off taking your name when married, surely?

maras2 · 26/12/2011 19:24

MadamOlive.Has he given up the weed yet? If not then there's no point even trying to discuss name changing.Best let him go.Don't mean to sound harsh but you can't rationalise with a drug addict.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2011 19:26

Really, I think it's best if you don't marry him.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 19:26

Is he addicted to drugs?

Does his addiction have anything to do with the subject in hand?

Original poster
Madamolive · 26/12/2011 19:30

Yes he does have a problem with weed. It got better. Then he slipped awfully back down hill after the birth of our second child. He's getting back on track. Its been hard looking after the two children and then just holding his hand through his rough patch. One of the reasons we started discussing plans etc. now he's back on track, maybe its too soon. I don't know.

OP posts:
maras2 · 26/12/2011 19:38

I think so Worra.My late SIL. had a longstanding cannabis habbit and we all found that even the simplest discussions were difficult for him to follow and give a reasonable point of view.I only know about OP's OH. from her previous posts as my DD. had just lost her H. around the time of her posting.MO, I'm sorry as you love this man but Idon't think that you will be happy if you marry him whether you use your maiden name or not.Best wishes anyway.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 19:38

Sod the name thing. You want to tie your self to a drug addict? shakes head

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 26/12/2011 19:42

Have just asked DH and he says he would have been very upset if I hadn't wanted to take his name. He says that's the point of marriage. I said it was about love Hmm. I mentioned the people we both know who kept using their maiden names at work (or, in the case of my mum, used her first married name and still does despite having been divorced for 16 years and remarried for 10). He says that's just pragmatic, and agreed that there are some names no right-minded person would want to take (Wanklin? Pratt?). What is your OH's surname, OP? Is it something awful? I said that if I ever fulfil my lifelong ambition to write a book then I would want to publish it under my maiden name and he got all huffy, at least until I explained that this would be at least partially so that everyone who had ever met me would know it was mine.

In summary, my point is that this does seem to be something some men feel very strongly about. Not sure that makes them controlling f*ckwits without more evidence.

ZillionChocolate · 26/12/2011 19:44

I didn't change my name on marriage. My husband didn't object. If you have children together, then I would see that as a big commitment. Perhaps you need to talk through why you want to get married and what you each expect to get out of it. Perhaps he thinks it only brings about a change of name. Perhaps he's a pillock.

I wouldn't marry a regular drug user, but I wouldn't be happy to have a baby eith one either.