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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Engagement is off, AIBU?

66 replies

Madamolive · 26/12/2011 19:13

OH has called off the engagement, after i disclosed that i'm not too happy about changing my surname and taking his.

Im very confused, surely marriage isn't just about a name. In all honesty i love my surname and i really don't like his. Does everyone change their surnames nowadays?

It all seems so terribly petty.

Im confused and upset.

OP posts:

thepeoplesprincess · 26/12/2011 19:45

He obviously wants any old wife more than he wants you.

His loss.

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 26/12/2011 19:46

Although the comment about him being fine with your DC having your name makes no sense. Why would he be okay with that and not with you keeping your name?

I don't have any experience of weed addicts, but that would ring definite alarm bells for me also.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2011 19:48

I'm pretty sure DH would have been upset if DS didn't have his name. I don't think he'd be bothered about me.

JoyceDivision · 26/12/2011 19:54

Hmmm.. well I db my surname as dh's suggestion because he thought it sounded nice! He wasn't bothered about me only having his surname, but he would have been very upset if I had not taken his when married. And he's not a controlling f*ckwit...

Isn't this part of the whole point of marriage? You're asserting legally your becoming a family unit, and sharing the same surname confirms the ties you have chosen?

Maybe the ops partner was fine with dcs having ops surname as they weren't married, but feels f they are going to be a family unit through marriage, the shared surname is further 'evidence' (not the best word, I know) that they are married?

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 19:57

Lots of women keep a professional name but use a married name in private life.

ByTheWay1 · 26/12/2011 19:57

He probably thinks you are being "terribly petty" in refusing to take his name - one of the few things he has that he can GIVE to you willingly and freely.... my hubby "presented" me with his name at our wedding asking if I would accept it as his gift to me for life.... it was a very moving part of our wedding - of course I accepted it, marriage is a commitment where you both give up a part of you to become "we" - don't marry if you don't want to do that, I can see his point of view.

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 20:01

I am surprised he wasnt more vocal about his children not having his name to be honest.

I do not understand all the fuss about keeping your surname when you get married.

Marriage is supposed to be the joining together of two people, (traditionally in order to create a family), and a family would generally all go by the same surname.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 26/12/2011 20:22

Are you sure it's not an excuse?

I mean, how important can his surname be to him if he was happy for the children you share to take yours?

I would have thought anyone who felt so strongly about the traditions of surnames would have insisted their children have theirs? If he wasn't bothered enough to want the children to have his surname but suddenly he doesn't want to marry you because you want to keep yours (the one the children have!) are you sure there's nothing else here? Cold feet, perhaps?

LunaticFringe · 26/12/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thebrighteststar · 26/12/2011 20:27

I agree with Northernlurker

CMOTdibbler · 26/12/2011 20:28

If its about both of you giving up part of yourself to be Us, then why can't he take your name ?

DH says he can't understand men who are hung up on their wife being 'proud' of being Mrs X. He thinks its weird tbh. I never thought about changing my name and we never discussed it

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 20:29

So all of you who were given the gift of a surname, why weren't you generous enough to gift your surname to your husbands? Why is it the woman who gets the joy of a thousand forms?

Here we go - the 'all married women are possessions' by stealth posts coming up

coffeesleeve · 26/12/2011 20:29

I agree with Lunatic Fringe. If a surname is a wonderful gift to give & receive, and a family "should" all have the same name........

....why can't that name be the woman's?

gallicgreetings · 26/12/2011 20:30

Would he take your surname? Maybe the request to do so would make him realise how unreasonable he is being.

yellowraincoat · 26/12/2011 20:30

When we get married, I am going to wrap my beautiful name up in a lovely bow and offer it to my new husband as a beautiful reminder of our beautiful love.

OP, I agree with others, I wonder if it really is the name thing that's important to him or if he's using it as an excuse.

Crosshair · 26/12/2011 20:30

DH was happy I took his name but would of been fine with me keeping my original name. I guess it means different things to different people?

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 26/12/2011 20:30

It would certainly make more sense in this case.

3 out of the 4 people in this family already have the one surname. Makes far more sense to have the forth person change than make three people change their name.

And if what matters is that all the people in the family unit share the same name, then job done and no problem, eh?

Soupqueen · 26/12/2011 20:31

Yy lunaticfringe

Why is it disrespectful not to assume the husband's surname? Yes, you are joined legally, but it's as logical to take the wife's name (and I know more than one couple who have)

LunaticFringe · 26/12/2011 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 26/12/2011 20:45

I gave up my name. Only because my maiden name was so awful.
If it hadnt of been I would have kept it.

OP if he is still caning the weed please think very carefully about this relationship. How can you even know what he is 'really' like if he is a heavy user?

I dont like weed at all but I realise that the odd spliff doesnt change most people a lot. But a habit, regular and frequent use, that is very different.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2011 21:56

So the engagement is called off but is the relationship? That's not very clear, particularly as you have two children together.

rhondajean · 26/12/2011 22:05

I use both names as and when suits, and always ms, unless is suits me to be mrs.

And my lovely DH doesn't mind in the least, because he loves me. if its causing a big issue, there are obvious ly other things going on, is he very insecure for example?

purplewednesday · 26/12/2011 22:07

I use my maiden name for work (prof identity tied up in it), and married name for everything else as I don't want to be different to DDs.

The regular use of skunk is pretty worrying tbh.

Will he want your DCs to change their name too?

Not a nice situation for you to be in. All marriages result in compromise of some sort to a degree; have a think about how far you will go to keep to your principles.

Personally I would want him to give up the skunk. Risk of sudden onset of paranoia, plus its usually smoked without a filter so the risk of cancers is much greater and The Munchies generally prompt people to eat crap which becomes a cardiovascular health risk. Oh and the resulting lack of energy means that lack of exercise is bad for health too. Passive smoking in the house too - you and the DCs.

(You can tell I work with drug users!)

TidyDancer · 26/12/2011 23:13

My MIL chose not to change her name upon marriage to my FIL. It's partially an independance thing, but also because FIL's surname is not great (if I told you what it was, it would out me immediately!). Subsequently, DP and our DCs have MIL's surname, and not FIL's.

It's never seemed to bother him.

I don't know why it would.

It doesn't change anything really, does it?

geekette · 27/12/2011 20:18

I did not change my name after marriage without fuss...
Sorry it is leading to heartache for you.

I guess every couple has the stalemates they actually need to air and find solutions too. Throwing a tantrum and calling off an engagement is more like emotional blackmail than a solution....
It isn't because anyone feels strongly about something that we just go on with what they think.

You have an opinion and it shouldn't be crushed without good reason...

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