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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Engagement is off, AIBU?

66 replies

Madamolive · 26/12/2011 19:13

OH has called off the engagement, after i disclosed that i'm not too happy about changing my surname and taking his.

Im very confused, surely marriage isn't just about a name. In all honesty i love my surname and i really don't like his. Does everyone change their surnames nowadays?

It all seems so terribly petty.

Im confused and upset.

OP posts:

OleaAndMarge · 27/12/2011 20:19

This is obviously a deal breaker for him. If you love him, and he feels this strongly about it, then take his name. If this is your personal dealbreaker, then leave.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 20:21

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

lollygag · 27/12/2011 20:25

You should dump him! Unless it's Brad Pitt then you should change your surname.

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 27/12/2011 22:11

This is obviously a deal breaker for him. If you love him, and he feels this strongly about it, then take his name.
Frankly,OleaAndMarge, Balls. I cannot understand why anyone would get so hot under the collar about this- it's a jolly good thing she's found out now that he's even more unreasonable than previously suspected.
Would he love her less with another name? Would he love her less in different clothes? Would he love her less if she spoke differently? What if she has an accident and her physicality changes? Or she puts on weight? Or loses some? What if she gets a new qualification? Or learns a new language? Changes profession?

If things like that affect his 'love' towards her that I don't think it can really be called love.

OleaAndMarge · 27/12/2011 22:17

His feelings on the situation are no less valid than hers.

MissMarjoribanks · 27/12/2011 22:30

My DH who can be a bit of a wanker on these kind of issues, said that he wouldn't have dumped for this if there were no other problems. Big red flag to me.

eurochick · 27/12/2011 22:33

I would have preferred to remain unmarried than to change my name, so I do understand how people feel strongly about it but the difference is that it is me who would have had to make the change. Here it is the OP not the man with the strong views who is being asked to name change, which is a key difference I think.

It does sound like he could be looking for an excuse though, particularly if he wasn't bothered about the children having his name.

geekette · 27/12/2011 22:38

You are right Olea. His feeling are no less valid than hers, neither are hers less valid than his. Hence the conflict.

But that is what talking is for. It is to find out if it is a deal breaker for him or if he has always just made an assumption of how his life would pan out and can't deal with it turning out differently. or maybe this is the case for madamOlive?

If there is no middle ground then it is effectively game over but in most relationships people get together with some element of being able to understand the other. At least I hope so. The alternative being to grin and bear it, which we all do to some extent but it isn't much fun.

Glitterknickaz · 27/12/2011 22:49

My husband took my name. All the kids have my name which is rather lovely because I prefer mine

NorksAreMessy · 27/12/2011 22:59

knickaz IS a particularly lovely name, you're right :o

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 23:42

Olea no, his feelings are less valid than hers, because his feelings are about something he wants her to change about herself. Her feelings are about not wanting this to happen to her. It's not equal.

Honestly, I think people should do what they want, marry whom they want, call themselves what they want etc, but it does strike me that all these people who say and 'it's all about being a family together' yada yada never ever explain why it can't be the man who changes. I think for many (not all, many!) of those people that's because it really isn't about 'being a family' but about women following tradition and conforming.

My sister married and changed her name, so we have different last names now. She's still my family.

Original poster

Madamolive · 27/12/2011 23:53

Thankyou for the replies! I have no idea where things are going from here, im still trying to make sense of it all so reading through these are helpful (when i get a spare moment)

I haven't spoken to OH about why won't he change his name if at all its about family sharing the same name etc. Ill try tomorrow.

OP posts:

Mya2403 · 28/12/2011 06:14

I can understand if he wanted the kids to carry his name fair enough, But you are a grown woman he is being an arse tell him you will take his if he takes yours.

WestleyAndButtockUp · 28/12/2011 08:02

So is the idea that you AND the kids change your surnames?

Or just you, so your kids don't have the same surname as EITHER of their parents?

echt · 28/12/2011 08:11

Mya2403 what's so understandable about him wanting the kids to carry on his name? It has no more rational basis, except habit, than wanting the woman to change hers.

This attitude accounts for the astounding number of women who stick by their own names but, amazingly, allow their children to take the fathers'.

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 10:34

Of course not everyone changes their name these days, quite a few women still want to for various reasons, but plenty don't. It's a choice - and it's ultimately your choice since it's your name. Equally he has the choice to change his name if he wants to - would that be an option if he feels strongly about having a 'family' name? Could you compromise by double-barrelling (if that works for your names)?

It just seems very odd to me that he would rather call off the entire wedding/marriage than have you keep your name. Clearly it's not a trivial thing to him, for some reason, but I agree with you it seems very petty!

I guess you need to have a talk about why he feels so strongly about this particular thing.

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