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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DD and nuts - AIBU and PFB?

84 replies

ZonkedOut · 26/12/2011 10:51

DD1 is 2.7 and had so far not been given whole nuts because the current guidelines say not to give nuts to children until they are 5.

My PIL are staying for Christmas, and FIL specifically asked for nuts, so we have a bowl and nutcracker on the coffee table. DD has been picking up the nutcracker and pretending to crack nuts, but can't actually do it herself.

So, I go up and have a shower, to come back and find DH saying, "I couldn't remember if she was supposed to have nuts or not, so I let her have some because she enjoyed cracking them. I did watch her carefully." He helped her crack them, left alone, she would just have played and pretended to.

I realise I might be being a little PFB about it, and I will probably get tons of replies saying, "we gave our DCs nuts and they were ok", but AIBU to think that if DH couldn't remember if she should have nuts or not, he should have checked first, not just given them to her because she enjoyed cracking them?

Also, AIBU to continue not giving her whole nuts, even if closely supervised, because having read up some more about it, it is still considered a risk, because until about 4 they haven't developed the grinding action to safely eat nuts, and if a child does choke, a fragment of nut in the lungs can cause a serious lung infection?

OP posts:
Sparklingbaubles · 27/12/2011 14:29

I know quite a few women that can't do anything without asking DH/DP first-the other way round.
Me and DH have different parenting styles and both make each other cross from time to time.

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 27/12/2011 14:30

She didn't choke though did she? Let go a little.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 14:33

He did know-he thought it OK and it was.She didn't choke and she wasn't allergic. He was watching her.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 14:33

Guidelines are just what they say.

4madboys · 27/12/2011 14:37

its a guidline, he was with with and watching her, he is her parent too and he chose to let her have some, he doesnt have to ask or check with his partner over every little issue! bloody hell if dp deferred to me everytime he had to make a decision over something to do with the children i would go mental!

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 14:40

I am glad that you are back with common sense 4madboys!
A DH saying 'I don't know what the guidelines say, I thought I had better check' would send me bananas!

4madboys · 27/12/2011 15:07

i know, i dont get this deferring to the mother all the time? we are both equal parents! if i am not there and dp isnt sure what to do then he will look it up if he feels its important enough. but on the whole he will just go with what he feels is right. we are on a pretty equal wavelenght when it comes to parenting buti am pretty sure there are times when he has chosen to do something differntly than i would do, if i wasnt there then it was his decision to make, hell even if i WAS there he is perfectly entitled to make his OWN decision, and if i wasnt happy about it i may talk to him about it later without the children present so i could hear his reasoning and then i may agree with him, or else we would come to some sort of compromise, tho i actually cant remember ever having to question his parenting and why would i, he is their DAD!!

MsEltoeNWhine · 27/12/2011 15:20

Nuts are a major food group and very very good for you, surely small children should be encouraged to eat such a good source of fat and protein, especially those who don't eat much or any meat? They are very quick, good, filling energy sources and a staple food. Our snacks have always been nuts fruits and vegetables as much as possible. I think YABU OP.

nearlytherenow · 27/12/2011 15:28

YANBU. Both of mine have had nuts chopped very small / nut butters from weaning, pretty much. I am not concerned about the allergy risk (although this obviously has to be considered and managed). But whole nuts are a definite choking risk, and I would not give them to an under 5 (and I am a pretty die-hard baby led weaner, not many things are off limits here!).

mrsjay · 27/12/2011 16:23

oh dearie me your child was ok right ? its a nut and as long as she didnt have a reaction then its fine I do think some parents need to relax a little about things and not read about nuts being lodged in lungs , children can chew at 2 n a half ,

WidowWadman · 27/12/2011 16:36

5 years? Never been aware of that guideline. OTTPFB methinks

RomanChristingle · 27/12/2011 17:44

I always gave dd nuts before she was 5 but I would grate walnuts etc on pasta/salads. They are good for you but it's not essential to eat them in whole form (or at all) so not worth the risk imo. It's not pfb to take risk into account when you get little or no benefit from ignoring it.

FredFredGeorge · 27/12/2011 18:25

I really doubt DH gave the child whole nuts - I'm sure he crushed the nuts up too (they generally crush up anyway when you crack them from the shells)

TheAvocadoOfWisdom · 27/12/2011 18:46

My kids had peanut, cashew and brazil nut paste in weaning foods. Chopped nuts from the age they had teeth. Have let DS1 have whole nuts at 5yo but won't let him have them unsupervised.

FutureNannyOgg · 27/12/2011 19:21

It's not about one parent deferring to the other, or one being in charge. It's about being a team. If one parent isn't sure, they ask the other if they have any information, or even just an opinion that might help. He said he couldn't remember, so why not ask someone to remind him?

In our house it happens to be that I am the one who is better read about childcare, and spends more time with DS, so DH will often ask me for info. It's not sexism, it's playing to our strengths, I am also the go to if the motorbike isn't running properly or for DIY, he deals with techy stuff, because that's where his interest and expertise lies. Equality isn't about having to both have the same skillset.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:25

I dare say that if he thought it important he would have asked-I don't think that he was particularly bothered that he couldn't remember.

MerylStrop · 27/12/2011 19:28

I think yabu

Maybe about the nut issue - 5 years old is overcautious (the guidelines have to be, but humans can use their common sense). My kids have had them from a lot younger, under supervision.

But absolutely definitely yabu to be angry with your DH. Do you want to totally disempower him in parenting terms?

ReindeerBollocks · 27/12/2011 19:36

I assume your husband is a sensible normal bloke OP?

So why don't you trust him to make decisions about his daughter too? He weighed up the risks and she is okay, I understand the guidelines but he was watching her closely so he would have been on hand to deal with any situation.

It's not like he left her alone with a bag of nuts - he was careful with his daughter. I have to say I do think you sound a little controlling with regards to your DD but it's hard to know if this is a correct assumption from just this thread alone.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:38

They are quite likely to put worse things than a nut in their mouths! If they have a slightly older sibling or cousins there is no saying what they might feed them! DH was responsible and he was supervising. You now have the additional information that she isn't allergic.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:39

I also don't see how you can hover over a 5 yr old at all times-by that age they will come into contact with nuts.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 27/12/2011 20:11

God I have been teaching DS how to use my grandad's nutcracker - I had no idea it was reckless of me to give them to him Shock

entropyglitter · 27/12/2011 21:30

Reindeer 'He weighed up the risks and she is okay,'

How can he have weighed up the risks when he was apparently incorrect about the guidelines / didn't remember what they were?

I would have thought that stage one on making an informed decision is being informed...

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 22:02

They are guidelines. You do not have to follow them. There are lots of guidelines that I don't follow-I decide the pros and cons for myself, bearing in mind my situation. I expect as a fully functioning adult that OP's DH did just that-and was proved right. She didn't choke and she wasn't allergic.

otchayaniye · 27/12/2011 22:29

blimey. never heard of that guidline. practically weaned my first on nuts. 'macadamia' was one of her first words.

then again i dice with death and don't cut grapes

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 22:31

Ditch the books-if you are vegetarians you are going to need nuts earlier than 5 yrs.