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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU giving up my full time funded phd for a healthy baby?

62 replies

slowburner · 26/12/2011 00:34

Today my DH sat playing with our daughter (16 months) and our beautiful healthy niece (6 months), they were giggling together and having so much fun. The two way interaction was amazing, it was really evident they were playing and sharing toys and food (!). The look of happiness on my DH's face reduced me to tears as he was so relaxed and was enjoying the experience of a 'normal' baby.

Despite an easy and amazing pregnancy our daughter was brain damaged at birth because of a mistake during delivery, she stopped breathing in my arms at a few hours old and we spent weeks in NICU with her in a coma. we were warned she would have a poor quality of life, she copes very we'll and is a delight but we certainly haven't experienced parenting as most people do.

I was self employed and after I finished maternity leave start a full time phd. I enjoy it, it is fascinating and will certainly be a career boost after I complete it. But it is full time and I constantly feel I am compromising being a mum and/my work. To be honest I'm not sure what work I could do now if i had to get a job for various reasons, mainly being too specialised and we would have to move to York or Bristol.

But watching my DH, being around my niece make me long to be pregnant. I don't know if I have my priorities wrong, I constantly think all the time about another baby, the normal experience, watching normal development and simply enjoying a child rather than worrying constantly as we do with our daughter.

But am I being unreasonable to consider jeapodising my phd barely a year in for another child. Or is another child, a sibling with all the benefits that will bring to my beloved daughter, more important, after all is life too sho to worry about upsetting my career. Argh. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 00:37

Most fully funded PhDs fund maternity leave.

Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 00:42

Yes, and I have that option, but juggling one child and the phd is hard now, with two children I would probably ask to go to part time on my return. I still have to start my data collection stage so could potentially be putting a big ish gap between the research and the publication and write up. There are so few people to ask at uni, everyone is so damned focused that to broach the subject of pregnancy is impossible.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 26/12/2011 00:50

I think that apart from the PhD you might need to think of how you will feel if you have a second child. I hope this doesn't sound patronising but maybe some counselling before you decide?

Laquitar · 26/12/2011 00:53

Do you know that there is a SN section here for support?

Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 00:58

Already on it, both the SN and the counselling! No thanks to the NHS however who refused support for us, my university stepped in. This particular conundrum has been going round inside my head since I started the phd.

OP posts:
BlissfulMistletoe · 26/12/2011 01:06

speaking as a mum with a child with austim, i am sooo glad i have 2 children.

your phd can wait

lisad123 · 26/12/2011 01:10

Well can only tell you of my experience. I spent years working my way up and sideways in my job and had made it quite far by the time I fell pregnant with dd2. I returned to a job I loved but a step side ways. I spent 2 years there and in those 2 years we were told dd1 was autistic and dh had cancer. Then they started looking at dd2, and we were told she was very likely autistic too. I knew at that point, that at home is where I needed to be. I sobbed handing in my notice, and hated leaving.
But I have to say its been for the best. I am here for every appointment and for my girls everyday after school (dd2 was dx with autism at 3). I can make every one of dh regular appointments and take most of the household roles away from him.
I have returned to work freelance, and so now work as a co-ordinator for a autism support group and a trustee for a charity too.
Life was not what I thought it would be but my girls are so good for each other. They have their own strengths and learn so much from each other, I'm very glad I have them both.

I hope that helps a little. I goes what I'm trying to say is; life Doesn't always follow the path you think it should, sometimes you have to take the long way round!

Methe · 26/12/2011 01:13

There is no guarantee of a healthy baby. Having another pregnancy won't heal how you feel even iit all goes perfectly. You need to come to terms with what happened to your daughter before you have another baby, for your emotional well being and to be fair on your daughter and the baby.

What does your dh think?

lisad123 · 26/12/2011 01:19

The op dd is 16 months, so think she's likely got her head round most of it already. Have to say though, it's about that age most woman get broody again. Wink

Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 01:25

I realise there is no guarantee of a healthy baby, naivety is something I am no longer blessed with. I agree also that there will be many emotions around the pregnancy, birth and early months but I do think bump 2 will be overall a healing experience. I have tried to come to terms with what happened but I struggle, the situation which nearly killed my beautiful girl was completely avoidable, my notes and dd's doctors have confirmed this. I would so love to be able to bounce a baby on my knee without worrying about support, feed a baby without worrying what was in the food, oh so many things parents take for granted.

Quite honestly? DH would have another tomorrow if I was willing.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/12/2011 01:32

Can you convert to an MPhil? I think that's often an option after a year. An MPhil would presumably (?) be useful as a qualification and you could finish it pretty soon.

Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 01:35

I don't have anywhere near enough to convert to mphil, that's not to say it isn't an option, but don't think my work would easily migrate to that format.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/12/2011 01:38

Ah, sorry about that. Just thought it was worth suggesting.

What do your supervisors reckon?

Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 01:42

My supervisors are lovely, very academic, and although ask kindly after my DD they do not have a clue how I feel re bump vs phd.

OP posts:
KidnaptheSandyClaws · 26/12/2011 01:49

I have a query which I'm sure many will flame me for, however here goes....

As your DD suffers from a condition caused by medical negligence have you received or are you pursuing any compensation? I am in Australia and I know here you would certainly be able to sue for the additional cost of raising the child regardless of your finances with the Phd. This may seem cold or callous however the additional money could pay for extra therapy or carers for DD (and care for possible DC2 too) and may alleviate some of your worry whilst you work towards your Phd.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/12/2011 01:52

Oh dear. Sad

That's not very helpful of them TBH.

Do you know if it's possible to get funding again once you've turned it down?

I am just wondering, so please forgive me if I am saying the wrong thing. But I wonder a little if you would feel that lovely, un-worried feeling you describe. It's just so many people start threads that sound as if they don't feel like that anyway. It sounds as if you are yearning after what you missed with your DD?

I guess that'd be part of the argument against having the baby, aside from this main question of whether you'd finish the PhD later.

Sorry, I'm not sure if my response is the kind of thing you're wanting or not - if I'm being too nosy, please don't feel you need to answer. Some of these are the questions I ask myself (I don't have children but am doing a PhD and trying to work out when would be the right time).

I really hope you're happy whichever decision you take. Btw I really respect you for managing the PhD alongside your DD, that is an amazing achievement even if you decide not to continue with it.

Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 01:52

It is under proper independent investigation with the outcome determining whether we take legal action. But any Money would be in DD's name and so I don't think we could use it? Still early days.

OP posts:
Original poster
slowburner · 26/12/2011 01:56

LRD I long for those moments I missed, each and every single one of them. I've already said, next baby, I want a fuck off great big silly balloon to tie to the car seat, rather than the muted celebration of a baby surviving I want to celebrate baby arriving.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/12/2011 02:01

I'm sorry, I misunderstood.

I thought you meant if you had another baby, there would be no worry. But I can totally understand you wanting to do all the silly balloon stuff!

I guess what I'm saying ... really tentatively ... is what someone said upthread, that there aren't any guarantees. I feel horrible saying that though - I hope whenever you have another baby you get to celebrate all those things you're longing for, and then some.

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

Methe · 26/12/2011 02:22

I had a premature baby first time round and spend months in hospital and then my 'healing' second pregnancy was worse x100 and it took its toll on my mental health hugely because I had planned it it making it all better and it didn't!

If you want a baby because you want a baby then that's wonderful, go for it and loads of luck! Your PHD can wait.

I think having a baby as a healing exercise is a mistake though. Life never works out how you expect it to.

KidnaptheSandyClaws · 26/12/2011 02:35

I just typed out an explanation of trusts but I realised it's probably the last thing you want to read through at the moment. The short answer it yes, you could use the money for it.

YANBU but for what it's worth, I think giving up your PhD would be a mistake. I'm interested to know why you "constantly feel I am compromising being a mum" Does your DH feel the same way about fatherhood? I think women are somewhat indoctrinated that as mother's they must devote all their time and attention to their children and neglect to work on anything for themselves.

Just a thought but perhaps a larger gap between your DCs than originally planned would be beneficial given DD's special needs? Prior to DD's birth, what were you plans RE spacing/number of children?

Agree with LRD. You cannot replace what you did not have first time around and any subsequent DC's need you to be in an emotionally secure place when they are born so you can cope with whatever life throws at you.

OleaAndMarge · 26/12/2011 02:40

YABU. Finish your PhD first.

TroublesomeEx · 26/12/2011 07:37

Haven't done an PhD, but I'm assuming there's an end date to the funding. How long left until then? Why are you reluctant to finish the PhD and have the baby first?

My feeling would be to finish the PhD. You can always have a baby, you won't necessarily get this chance again.

Good luck.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 26/12/2011 07:50

How old are you? Unless you are pushing 40 and need to worry about fertility issues why can't you have both, finish you phd first then have a baby?

If you are already 1 year in it just means waiting a year and a bit to get pg, which is as long as it might take anyway. How would you feel if you gave up your phd then didn't get pregnant?

timetoask · 26/12/2011 07:57

Sorry for this question OP, but how old are you? Can you safely complete your phd and still be within an age range that won't give you a higher risk of sn?

My oldest son has SN, also brain damage. Having a second healthy child has been extremely rewarding for DH and I, just to experience what having a healthy child feels like has been amazing. It doesn't take away the love we feel for ds1 but ds2 has completed our family.

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