AIBU giving up my full time funded phd for a healthy baby?

[slowburner]

Today my DH sat playing with our daughter (16 months) and our beautiful healthy niece (6 months), they were giggling together and having so much fun. The two way interaction was amazing, it was really evident they were playing and sharing toys and food (!). The look of happiness on my DH's face reduced me to tears as he was so relaxed and was enjoying the experience of a 'normal' baby.

Despite an easy and amazing pregnancy our daughter was brain damaged at birth because of a mistake during delivery, she stopped breathing in my arms at a few hours old and we spent weeks in NICU with her in a coma. we were warned she would have a poor quality of life, she copes very we'll and is a delight but we certainly haven't experienced parenting as most people do.

I was self employed and after I finished maternity leave start a full time phd. I enjoy it, it is fascinating and will certainly be a career boost after I complete it. But it is full time and I constantly feel I am compromising being a mum and/my work. To be honest I'm not sure what work I could do now if i had to get a job for various reasons, mainly being too specialised and we would have to move to York or Bristol.

But watching my DH, being around my niece make me long to be pregnant. I don't know if I have my priorities wrong, I constantly think all the time about another baby, the normal experience, watching normal development and simply enjoying a child rather than worrying constantly as we do with our daughter.

But am I being unreasonable to consider jeapodising my phd barely a year in for another child. Or is another child, a sibling with all the benefits that will bring to my beloved daughter, more important, after all is life too sho to worry about upsetting my career. Argh. Thanks for reading.

I wouldn't give up my PhD funding for anything, it's so difficult and competitive to get. But then I'd rather have a PhD than a baby, if I had to choose, I can take or leave babies, but struggle to imagine my life without a PhD, I've known since I was a tiny girl I wanted to do research and be a 'Dr', and due to various circumstances (health and financial) it's been a long hard struggle to get to this point! No way would I give up now.

Seems like for you it's the other way round though, which is a perfectly valid way to feel as well. You can balance PhD research and family life, I know a couple of women who do this, though it's not easy, and I think it's essential to have a supportive husband/partner who understands what a PhD involves and is willing to go without 'downtime' themselves to give you time and space to study. If he sees it as just a hobby, you could have a problem.

But as MamaC says above, you have to be very, very committed yourself, you do seem very quick to consider the possibility of giving up, saying you 'wouldn't hesitate' to take time out to do childcare stuff etc.

Slow, I'm sorry, that was very blunt and a bit insensitive of me.

I'm at the start of the phd journey, and it's been described to me that it should be like falling in love. It should consume your thoughts! It is a bit of a selfish thing I reckon. I am wondering if perhaps your heart isn't really in it.

I would honestly kill for full funding but I know you are in a different place.

There is about a fifty percent drop out rate for a reason.

But yes for academia you will need one.

It will be a million times harder to do with two children, no funding, and working to cover the costs and living costs too, which is what I. Will,have to do, although mines are older and don't have SN. But pick what matters for you and go for it. And good luck whatever that is.

(can be v blinkered at times and knows it)

The childcare stuff is speech therapy and physiotherapy, something which comes with the territory of a brain injured infant, I can't get DH or others to easily and effectively do it as DD tenses and I need her to relax. At the moment it is manageable but should in the future I need to take some time out to do an intense programme or complete statements then I would of course not hesitate to take a break. My team are aware of this and have already put in writing that if I need a break at short notice they will understand why. That's not day to day childcare but refers to complications arises from her individual medical history.

I am overall more committed to my family than my phd. That I accept is perhaps the incorrect way to be but if push came to shove I know which I could abandon. I should add i have wanted to be a 'Dr' since i was abut nine.

BUT I am really enjoying the phd process so far, my team are happy with me, my research plan is written and accepted, my topics agreed, two conference abstracts submitted and two joint papers outlined and although I have not down as much writing as I wanted to at this stage (it's quite possibly the area I need to improve on the most) I find the support I get from student services counselling invaluable.

I just also happen to have a real desire to have another bump and another baby, it would probably always have happened like that but I think the fact it went so wrong first time why I feel so much conflict.

Lots of good support here that it is possible, perhaps I need to concentrate on breaking down what happens around the house, I broached getting a cleaner with DH today and he said he would rather pay for one than do the chores himself. Even if it was cleaning the bathroom and hoovering the floors twice a week it would give me a break.

I strongly recommend the cleaner and all other help you can afford. It is possible to do a PhD and have children, but you do need to be a bit obsessive about scheduling your time.

Cleaner is a great idea if you can afford it, we wouldn't be without ours! Outsource as much as you can, anything to make your life manageable.

I didn't mean to imply you were 'incorrect' to prioritise family over PhD, by the way, and I'm sure no one else did. Obviously your DD's needs have to come first if it really comes down to it - more trying to say don't be too ready to give up, there may be a way you can make it all work.

Just wanted to say, I have no experience on the PhD front, but as I am currently pregnant with DC2 after a similar experience to you with DS, I can understand the longing.

I am being very well cared for this time, the hospital cannot do enough for me, and I will be seeing consultant and midwife extremely regularly, as well as having the elective C-section I want. Mentally I am coping at the moment, but again, mental health team keeping a close eye on me. (I realise others do not get the same care, and it's not guaranteed)

Hope you get to make the choice that right for you, and you get the pregnancy and birth that you are grieving for from the first time.

Just to be clear, I didn't mean that you should a PhD should be more important in your life than family. Mine certainly wasn't and whilst I am childishly itching to get back to work and followup an exciting experiment even over Christmas, nothing is ever going to be more important than my dp and dcs. That's why I said I believe it's possible to fit your PhD round your family, not your family round your PhD.

You have to be aware that a PhD wants to be all-consuming, and that others may expect you treat it as such. You need to be able to manage that.

But there are a lot of positives. You have your priorities clear, you're enjoying it so far, and you know the reason you're doing it. Plus being a mature student will stand you in good stead. FWIW, I would happily accept most mature students' requests to work part time, or some other flexible arrangement, when I would be more sceptical about a younger student. Your supervisors are likely to feel the same, so don't be afraid to approach them and say "what if...".

Good luck.

I didn't mean that you should a PhD should

snetter I hope so much you get all that you hope for, it is a hard set if feelings to explain is it not? Thank you for your kind words, wishing you all the very best for DC2, I have been assured I will be under consultant care and given a lot of support.

I just need to get my ovaries to behave and my house in order re cleaning and help, DD is in nursery three days a week and I certainly need to be stricter about getting the extra weekend day I am meant to use. I think much of the issue is that DD never has slept through, I exist on not enough very broken sleep each night since she was born. It is hard to think when tired. I can see already how the phd would be different if I either had older children or no family, the possibilities and research avenues would be broader and all consuming.

Thanks again, I can do this, I just need to work out how. 2012 will be a busy year! Oh and mamachocoholic hats off to you on the DC and twins!!!

Would your PhD increase your job prospects or provide better job security? If not, then perhaps you need to question why you want to do your PhD.

journey yes it will open up a wide range of job opportunities which I would not get without it, or at least which I would fond more difficult. I intend to get the max amount of networking done during phd to take up employment bridging academia/industry when I complete, my sup team is aware of my aims and happy to support them knowing I may not seek a post doc role at the uni.

Saying that I am really really liking teaching, I need to reduce that this term to get more work done.

A funded PhD is a wonderful opportunity and if the end result (the job market) looks good (which it does in your case) then I'd stick with it. You project a degree of satisfaction when talking about your PhD so although your desire for another baby is strong I also think your PhD is making you happy.

Perhaps say to yourself that you will aim to get pregnant in your last year of your PhD so it seems closer. Alternatively, if your fall pregnant whilst doing your PhD try and defer it for a year. Good luck.