rich teas biscuits for a 4 month old???

[toughmerde]

Me and MIL were a bit bitchy with one another yesterday and dp is now furious with me. Ds is 4.5 months old and I started giving him small amounts of solids (avocado) last week. MIL has always been a bit funny with me, but even so, I was shocked that she has consistently tried to undermine my breastfeeding my son by trying to shove extra thick formula down him and bottles of water, despite me politely, but firmly, requesting otherwise. Ds has a cousin once removed who's 2 months older that him, was bottle fed, started solids at 3 months and now eats bought jars and pureed adult food exclusively. She is very small, overweight and, to be quite honest, a bit floppy. Oh, and her poo is hard and grey. My son, on the other hand, is big, strong, curious, and sociable. The little girl is perfectly sweet and I would hope that she and my son become friends, but MIL constantly compares me and my son unfavorably to this girl and her mum, who is a nurse so, in MIL's eyes, knows better than me. I have quite a bit of built up resentment towards MIL, but that's for another post. I do generally feel that my parenting skills are being openly questioned and not respected though. I am not fastidiously pro-breastfeeding/organic purees, but I do think that owe it to my son to give him a healthy start to life.

So anyway, back to yesterday: MIL tried to give my son rich teas biscuits mashed in water, and I said I'd rather she didn't. This is the first time I've really put my foot down. She immediately quipped back with "oh, well nurse cousin feeds them to HER daughter". I got impatient and said that "I didn't care, MY son wasn't eating crap full of sugar and flour after only a week on solids". She implied that I was being very la-dee-da. Dp was furious with me and said that if I wanted help from his family, I shouldn't question her methods (they usually take him for a few hours a week, and I'm working freelance full-time from home and juggling baby care, cannot afford nanny). Later, in the car on the way home, he said that I had insulted his mother by questioning her parenting skills and that she had managed to raise him and his much younger brother perfectly fine. I pointed out that his brother is morbidly obese and has been since being a baby, so perhaps her nutritional knowledge is limited.

Now it's xmas eve we are not speaking. We're meant to have dinner round theirs later and I'm not sure how to go about things naturally, xmas is about family and forgiving and all that, but I'm pretty miffed. I went to a great effort to make MIL a meaningful xmas gift, hoping that I'll be accepted a bit more, but I feel like staying home and getting drunk and eating the whole fucking pack of rich tea biscuits :( If there's nothing good on the tv, can you help by giving me a stern talking to, to make me feel less petty and bitter before I sulk my way through ds's first xmas? Was IBU to stop her feeding him biscuits? Would it really be that bad? I'm completely doubting myself and wish dp was on my side more.

Think there is a point to be made that if she is looking after your baby don't sweat the small stuff. If DP is fine with it (he's ds parent too after all) then it does seem a bit precious but i do understand where you are coming from & agree with you.

You were perfectly within your rights to stop MIL feeding your baby that crap, tell DH to go on his own to his parents and bloody well stay there. He has no right being angry with you, just because you refused to stand by and let his mum feed shite to your baby.

It's just a biscuit.

Babies under 6 months shouldn't have wheat according to current guidelines so YANBU there.

This thread does cover a lot of controversial topics: bf, early weaning, mils, poor food choices so well done there.

Just out of interest why did you choose to wean so early? I did too bit only on medical advice.

I would be furious, YANBU!! It's your baby, my mil tried to give my 5 month old a chocolate mousse but when I said actually I'd rather he didn't she was fine about it, I'd be outraged if she disagreed.

Your baby your rules. Why does she care so much? I would question her control issues over YOUR child TBH. Biscuits in water? Grim.

I would socialize but be adamant that this is your baby and not some communal / family experiment or way to validate your MIL's self worth.

So much drama

Christmas is probably not the best time to have an argument about biscuits [hgrin]. Finish off the packet yourself, with a big mug of tea, wait until Christmas is well and truly over and then have a calm discussion with your DP about why you think your baby is not ready for mashed rich tea biscuits (quite frankly I think it is way too early for them, but you won't be able to avoid sugary food forever) and then hopefully you will be able to present a united front when asking your MIL not to do it again.

Have a good Christmas, or at least try to.

I don't think your MIL was reasonable; she should respect the wishes of the mother.

I don't think your DH is being reasonable either, he should be supporting you.

That said, I'd get the better of both of them and definitely not sulk and be in a very good mood and have an enjoyable evening (even if you're not feeling like this on the inside). Your DH is going to have to learn that you and he are in charge of your son and that your MiL has to respect your wishes. It has blown utterly out of proportion in the sense that you simply asked her not to feed him a biscuit (I understand why you did but perhaps biting your tongue to the second bit might help next time). Keep the response 'mm yes, there are so many different parenting styles out there, Cousin and I just go about things differently but neither are wrong or better than the other...'

YANBU!!

theres so much drama on these boards

you do understand you and your mil have both fallen out over one friggin biscuit. Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds. i feel sorry for your partner who has to watch you both bickering about such tiny issues.

YANBU from me.

minimischief: "you do understand you and your mil have both fallen out over one friggin biscuit. Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds."

No, not stupid at all. They've fallen out because the MiL is persistently undermining the OP's parenting skills and this is the latest in a long line. Plus, how could the OP not be pissed off under the circs? Who in their right mind feeds rich tea biscuits mashed in water to a four month old? It's just awful. The MiL needs to back off and the DH needs to support the OP.

minimisschief - I get your point but actually this is about feeding a child rather than falling out over a biscuit surely?

Exactly the kind of thing that I need to hear. I agree, I should probs let this slide, but carry on being firm about this issue.
splashymcsplash, Ds is in the 95% on the growth chart, which basically means he's a big bugger. Doc said we could try some fruit/veg to see how he responded. So once a day, I give him a small amount of milked-down avocado after breastfeeding. I want to take it slowly.
MIL and ds certainly adore one another and I certainly don't want to alienate her. I've made her a special family album and cast of ds's foot for xmas, and I'll give them to her later tonight and focus on being a family.
Merry xmas

YANBU, your MIL seems like a bit of a twunt to me.

But for peaces sake over xmas, I would just explain to DH and your MIL that you are not questioning her parenting, tell them you have no problem with him having a biscuit (whether thats true or not) but as he's only just being weaned you want to introduce food gradually, and one ingredient at a time.

FWIW though, rich teas were one of the first foods my DS snatched off me and ate whole

Yanbu yanbu yanbu!

I can't believe the level of ignorance displayed by your MIL but more than that I am really and truly shocked at the level of DUMB BLIND STUPIDITY coming from posters on a parenting forum who are defending her who should, presumably, be a tiny bit more clued up on baby weaning than someone of the previous generation.

I would speak to your DH and tell him that you are going on the doctor's orders. Also, if your DH is anything like mine then he probably isn't very clued up about weaning. Explain to him about the guidelines and your concerns and wishes, tell him that this does not mean you are 'taking over the decisions of parenting' I find DH often feels undermined and it's important he feels that he has a say in parenting as well which can be hard when they're not as knowledgable.

'DUMB BLIND STUPIDITY coming from posters on a parenting forum who are defending her who should, presumably, be a tiny bit more clued up on baby weaning than someone of the previous generation.'

.. but on the other hand the previous generation have successfully managed to raise their brood to adulthood which is more than most of the MNers on here have done.
It is not long ago that weaning at 3m was fine and millions and millions of kids have been weaned on rusks.If your mIL is baby sitting for you then you can't really dictate.

Yanbu at all. And if my parents were babysitting I would still expect them to respect me on the big things like weaning and discipline. And they would, because they are respectful, which this woman isn't...she made her choices when raising her children and now it us your turn.

You could be diplomatic, but your DH should be on side with you.

And ffs, given adults who eat healthily don't shove down biscuits on the whole why give them to a 4 month old baby?

So.... You're happy to use your MIL for free childminding while you work, but go ape shit over a biscuit.

To get some perspective on it, guidelines on weaning change fairly frequently. The recommended age for weaning was quite different when I had my dd 1 to what they are now. And I know what I experienced was different again to when my mother had me. No doubt in 20 years time the guidelines will be different again and people might look back horrified at you giving your baby avocado at 4 months. Not saying this to make you feel bad, just to keep some perspective.

My second point is- if you are going to use a relative for free childcare I think realistically you have to accept that you are handing over control about certain issues- not the big things but certainly the smaller stuff. I wouldn't want my baby fed mashed up biscuits and water (indeed I wouldnt want my child of any age fed it- it sounds yuck) but then I paid for nursery care where I approved of the way the children were fed. You seem happy to use your MIL to suit your needs but then complain if she doesn't do things exactly how you want

YANBU but.....

One of you is going to have to be the bigger person and take the first step forward towards building up a respectful relationship with one another. If you grit your teeth and apologise (I know, I know, you probably don't feel you have anything to apologise for but it will smooth things over a bit), you have the warm feeling of smugness at being the bigger, more forgiving person. We on MN will know even if the DP and MIL won't.

LL x

Ds has a cousin once removed who's 2 months older that him, was bottle fed, started solids at 3 months and now eats bought jars and pureed adult food exclusively. She is very small, overweight and, to be quite honest, a bit floppy. Oh, and her poo is hard and grey. My son, on the other hand, is big, strong, curious, and sociable

Yes well, 16 years ago you were advised to wean onto solids @ 12 weeks. As I gaze at my perfectly -reasonably "normal" pair of 16yo and 15yo teenage, 6'1 and 6'3" respectively, strapping, not obese, have no alleergies, eating disorders, or social inadequacies ... poor buggers were bottle fed as well. OMG and I sent them to a childminder @ 6 weeks so I could go back to work.

So petentious little comments like that on the superior power of your parenting tend to fall on deaf ears. BTW - I don't micro-manage or helicopter either.

As has been mentioned in previous posts, I don't understand why she is allowed to do this to your child when you have made your point extremely clear on this matter. By directly going against your wishes, she is being extremely rude and outwardly disrespectful and not only that, I don't understand why her point is more valid than yours because she does a few hours of babysitting. This does not automatically relinquish control of your child's solid food intake.

I would think that she should be apologetic of her behaviour if you have clearly stated no, anything else should be viewed with under suspicion and possibly highlighting her inability to care for your child correctly ("correctly" being "according to your wishes" in this case).

Stand your ground. YANBU.

YANBU. It's not about a biscuit ffs, it's about how she views your parenting choices. The child in question is 4.5 months not 4.5 years. I don't see anything wrong at all in wanting to control what he eats at that age. Plenty of time for her to fill him with junk when he's older.

And yeah yeah, we know in the dark ages all babies were fed steak and chips in the womb and it didn't do them any harm. That's not really an argument, is it? They used to perform lobotomies as well. We've moved on...