rich teas biscuits for a 4 month old???

[toughmerde]

Me and MIL were a bit bitchy with one another yesterday and dp is now furious with me. Ds is 4.5 months old and I started giving him small amounts of solids (avocado) last week. MIL has always been a bit funny with me, but even so, I was shocked that she has consistently tried to undermine my breastfeeding my son by trying to shove extra thick formula down him and bottles of water, despite me politely, but firmly, requesting otherwise. Ds has a cousin once removed who's 2 months older that him, was bottle fed, started solids at 3 months and now eats bought jars and pureed adult food exclusively. She is very small, overweight and, to be quite honest, a bit floppy. Oh, and her poo is hard and grey. My son, on the other hand, is big, strong, curious, and sociable. The little girl is perfectly sweet and I would hope that she and my son become friends, but MIL constantly compares me and my son unfavorably to this girl and her mum, who is a nurse so, in MIL's eyes, knows better than me. I have quite a bit of built up resentment towards MIL, but that's for another post. I do generally feel that my parenting skills are being openly questioned and not respected though. I am not fastidiously pro-breastfeeding/organic purees, but I do think that owe it to my son to give him a healthy start to life.

So anyway, back to yesterday: MIL tried to give my son rich teas biscuits mashed in water, and I said I'd rather she didn't. This is the first time I've really put my foot down. She immediately quipped back with "oh, well nurse cousin feeds them to HER daughter". I got impatient and said that "I didn't care, MY son wasn't eating crap full of sugar and flour after only a week on solids". She implied that I was being very la-dee-da. Dp was furious with me and said that if I wanted help from his family, I shouldn't question her methods (they usually take him for a few hours a week, and I'm working freelance full-time from home and juggling baby care, cannot afford nanny). Later, in the car on the way home, he said that I had insulted his mother by questioning her parenting skills and that she had managed to raise him and his much younger brother perfectly fine. I pointed out that his brother is morbidly obese and has been since being a baby, so perhaps her nutritional knowledge is limited.

Now it's xmas eve we are not speaking. We're meant to have dinner round theirs later and I'm not sure how to go about things naturally, xmas is about family and forgiving and all that, but I'm pretty miffed. I went to a great effort to make MIL a meaningful xmas gift, hoping that I'll be accepted a bit more, but I feel like staying home and getting drunk and eating the whole fucking pack of rich tea biscuits :( If there's nothing good on the tv, can you help by giving me a stern talking to, to make me feel less petty and bitter before I sulk my way through ds's first xmas? Was IBU to stop her feeding him biscuits? Would it really be that bad? I'm completely doubting myself and wish dp was on my side more.

Can't believe all the fucking idiots posters on this thread who are using the fact that guidelines have changed over the past 40 years as a rationale for ignoring current evidence based recommendations on feeding.

Recommendations don't change in a random way. They change in response to new research. It's completely, utterly immature and frankly bizarre to disregard all health advice because it changes over the years to account for new scientific findings. That's the way science works!

trois - would like to point out that it's very, very rare for individuals to be able to percieve the health impact of lifestyle choices on their health or the health of their children. That's why whole generations were happy to use lead paint on toys, and feed their babies watered down condensed milk instead of their own breastmilk. They couldn't see the damage it was doing.

Early weaning has been linked to higher arterial stiffness in adolescents and adults.

All our nutritional choices impact on us in SOME way, whether we can 'see' it or not.

OP - I think your MIL is disrespectful to disregard your choices for your child.

I agree Shagmund. Regardless of the fact that posters being so sneering at the OP for wanting to follow the guidelines obviously did so themselves when it was their turn.

...and yet the husband was really very upset by Op's tone.

Surely she needs to think about how she is coming across. There are ways of expressing your wishes about your own child without being so rude that your own husband gets angry with you.

Yes, but the OP being polite but firm hasn't worked so far with the MIL.

Shagmund and ninky - you're missing the point many of us are making.

Yea- it was important to me to follow the guidelines of my time. Therefore I made sure my children were cared for in situations where my wishes were observed.

The op has a choice here. She is choosing to offload her baby every week with someone who she knows feeds it biscuits and water. Rather than pay for proper regulated care (and yes - that might leave her with no income left over but that's real life isn't it) she's leaving baby with granny, and then getting into huge rows about aspects of that care. She also ought to be aware that babies pick up on atmospheres. I would never have left my children with carers I was in conflict with, or not speaking to. So, on all sorts of levels the op is out of order. She either needs to find and pay for other care, or accept that saving money is more important to her, and at least try to remain on civil terms with the person she's handing her baby over to.

The OP doesn't say that her DH was upset with her tone. He was upset she had 'questioned her methods' full stop. However he doesn't sound that fussed about the MIL questioning the OP's methods, does he?

I'm not sure that the "guidelines" are the issue here are they? You do what you do for your baby at the time having made an informed choice. My 'meh-ness' at the OP and the million others like it is the complete hysterical over-reaction at one or two biscuits (or whatever the offending foodstuff happens to be) because it just isn't bloody worth the fallout, the fights, the angst and the anger. It just isn't. But I guess some people just don't want to get that. Ah well.

Yes olea. The op has said she is not speaking to her mil at the moment. I could never have left my babies with a childminder I wasn't actually speaking to for gods sake. OP needs to get a grip and decide what her priorities are. No doubt once Xmas is out of the way and she wants a spot of free childminding so she can work, she might just about manage to get back on speaking terms !!

Sorry that should have been to clutchingatpearls - bloody iPhone !

The point I was trying to make is that we only have one version of events here and husband clearly has a different idea about exactly what happened. So i am not prepared to say if it was U or not, frankly.

I have met some pretty interfering MILs in my time and I have also met some mums who have been over PFB about their babies, believing somehow that they are the only people who have any experience at all of raising children.

Not sure which we actually have here.

"So, on all sorts of levels the op is out of order. She either needs to find and pay for other care"

No - her MIL is a relative of her child and a member of her family. There are real benefits for the OP's dc in being left with a grandparent, but NOT if the grandparent is going to undermine the child's mother, thereby setting up conflict. The only reason the MIL's behaviour is tolerated by people on this board is that it's assumed to be basically harmless.

I left my dd with my own mother two days a week from 5 weeks old, and I was incredibly grateful for the help I was given. But I DID assert myself about things that I felt uncomfortable with, as I think every parent ought to do. It's not that I thought I knew more than my mother - it's that I had different ways of doing things and that when it came to my dd's health and safety I had to follow my conscience.

No way should she be doing this. Even if it's only because you believe my posting name

The OP does say it is only a few hours a week, and I maintain that doesn't give the MIL the right to over rule the wishes of the parent. I could understand slightly more if it was something that made the MIL's life easier, altering routine etc but this has no perceivable benefit to anyone so why do it?

The 'real' benefit of the grandparent looking after the child is that it's free!! Quite frankly the op is a user. She should allow her mil to just be a grandmother - not unpaid childminder.

No, I mean the biscuit thing is of no benefit to anyone, surely it doesn't make the MIL's life easier so perhaps she could respect the OP's wishes on it? If it was a routine issue or something that actively made the MIL's life difficult to maintain I could understand her wanting to fight to change it. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well!

However, this (amongst other things) is why no member of family will ever be asked to provide childcare for my children, although I am certain that they would respect our decisions for our child.

How does getting "free child care" make it OK to give unhealthy food to such a tiny baby having its first dietry experience? Sugar and processed foods are bad for you, and shouldnt be given to tiny babies at all. Just because the child care is "free" doesnt mean that carers get cart blanch to do things that have a negative impact on a child. You wouldnt let them smoke in front of your baby for example, free or not. I think the OP has every right to object to behaviour that is damaging to the babies health.

why would anyone in their right mind give a rich tea to a 4.5 month old? Complete sugary processed crap with crappie wheat. Most babies havent even had solids at that age never mind junk food!! Best thing to do is aim to get baby used to lots of healthy savory things, then fruits, then small treats much later on once healthy eating is established. At maybe a year old?

Your DH needs to learn to repect your parenting methods, after all you are babys mother. You are not going to bring up your child using your MIL's methods - why should you? He must realise that her parenting is out of date and not based on todays knowledge. Can you show him a HV baby food info leaflet - or threaten to ring your HV and get her to talk to your DH about baby healthy eating.

what a vile woman too - forcing her crap parenting ideals on you and being so nasty when you put your foot down. What else can you do but stand up for your child? Why wouldn't anyone want to give your child the best and healthiest start to life?

can you show your DH these posts?

maybe the husband is under his mothers thumb?

I can't believe there is another thread where the OP is being told to put up with anything if she's getting free childcare! It's irrelevant. I babysit other people's kids sometimes, doesn't mean I get to chose what they eat, how they are raised etc.

callmemrs The 'real' benefit of the grandparent looking after the child is that it's free!! Quite frankly the op is a user.

So the OP is a user if she doesn't allow her MIL to make the parenting decisions in exchange for a few hours babysitting a week (BTW saying user makes you sounds 12). That's assuming of course that MIL gets nothing out of babysitting and hates every second which I doubt. She probably loves it like a lot of GPs. Why then does this mean that the OP owes her MIL the right to take over the parenting of her child?

OP I think you need to keep being firm with your MIL. If I were you I would probably manage without the babysitting help as she will just keep doing whatever she likes.

I know why you're upset, and I think the reason being she's ignorant.
Not ignorant of weaning guidelines, ignorant that every mother wants to look after her baby in her own way.

Truth is, when you have grandchildren your dil will be following some guidelines which are alien now, and giving avocado at 4 m will Be the work of the devil. But you'll know to stfu, and let her get on with it and that's the difference.

Find other childcare. Let your mil be just a grandmother. I'm sure she does enjoy spending time with her grandchild- she clearly just feels that if she is having responsibility handed over to her for actual care, then she should be able to do things her way. You may disagree with her ways - I certainly wouldn't want my babies fed biscuits- but I doubt you are bothered enough to actually pay for proper care; you'd rather have a hissy fit with her and come on here and moan !

Whilst I think you'd be being a bit precious if you were talking about an 8 or 9 months old baby YANBU with a 4.5 month old.

As you no doubt know, guidelines are no food until 6 months so you are already not following advice, although I think the guidance is to wait longer with wheat. A bit pathetic to fall out over a biscuit and I don't really understand why your MIL even cares what your DS eats, esp as he is not tiny etc.

Doing a few hours of babysitting does not give her to the right to dictate what he eats. Why not apologize, but say the current guidance is no wheat before 6 months and that its your right as his mother to decide you are following the guidance, and that he has a whole lifetime to eat biscuits.

FWIW I was weaned at 12 weeks and given tea biscuits (and carnation) and suffer from terrible IBS and my mum blames herself.

If your baby was old enough to be given it in it's hand and eat it then I'd probably let it go, mashing a biscuit up in water for a 4 month old is just stupid, weaning advice having changed is irrelevant when talking about mushed up biscuit . Even if we were back to weaning at 4 months no hcp would advise you do it with mushed up rich tea ( well none I've met in the last 17 years anyway)

what's the difference between a rusk and a rich tea?
Truth is either your MIl minds the baby and does it her way, or you pay for childcare