rich teas biscuits for a 4 month old???

[toughmerde]

Me and MIL were a bit bitchy with one another yesterday and dp is now furious with me. Ds is 4.5 months old and I started giving him small amounts of solids (avocado) last week. MIL has always been a bit funny with me, but even so, I was shocked that she has consistently tried to undermine my breastfeeding my son by trying to shove extra thick formula down him and bottles of water, despite me politely, but firmly, requesting otherwise. Ds has a cousin once removed who's 2 months older that him, was bottle fed, started solids at 3 months and now eats bought jars and pureed adult food exclusively. She is very small, overweight and, to be quite honest, a bit floppy. Oh, and her poo is hard and grey. My son, on the other hand, is big, strong, curious, and sociable. The little girl is perfectly sweet and I would hope that she and my son become friends, but MIL constantly compares me and my son unfavorably to this girl and her mum, who is a nurse so, in MIL's eyes, knows better than me. I have quite a bit of built up resentment towards MIL, but that's for another post. I do generally feel that my parenting skills are being openly questioned and not respected though. I am not fastidiously pro-breastfeeding/organic purees, but I do think that owe it to my son to give him a healthy start to life.

So anyway, back to yesterday: MIL tried to give my son rich teas biscuits mashed in water, and I said I'd rather she didn't. This is the first time I've really put my foot down. She immediately quipped back with "oh, well nurse cousin feeds them to HER daughter". I got impatient and said that "I didn't care, MY son wasn't eating crap full of sugar and flour after only a week on solids". She implied that I was being very la-dee-da. Dp was furious with me and said that if I wanted help from his family, I shouldn't question her methods (they usually take him for a few hours a week, and I'm working freelance full-time from home and juggling baby care, cannot afford nanny). Later, in the car on the way home, he said that I had insulted his mother by questioning her parenting skills and that she had managed to raise him and his much younger brother perfectly fine. I pointed out that his brother is morbidly obese and has been since being a baby, so perhaps her nutritional knowledge is limited.

Now it's xmas eve we are not speaking. We're meant to have dinner round theirs later and I'm not sure how to go about things naturally, xmas is about family and forgiving and all that, but I'm pretty miffed. I went to a great effort to make MIL a meaningful xmas gift, hoping that I'll be accepted a bit more, but I feel like staying home and getting drunk and eating the whole fucking pack of rich tea biscuits :( If there's nothing good on the tv, can you help by giving me a stern talking to, to make me feel less petty and bitter before I sulk my way through ds's first xmas? Was IBU to stop her feeding him biscuits? Would it really be that bad? I'm completely doubting myself and wish dp was on my side more.

Hear hear troisgarcons. My teenagers were weaned at 12 weeks. That was the recommendation. I used childcare from 12 weeks with dc1 as maternity leave was only 3 months then.
It makes me chuckle a bit when people get their knickers in a twist over these things, which vary at different Points in time

I don't understand how someone helping out with childcare suddenly automatically gets free reign over your parenting choices, yes it's lovely of her but she should follow the mummy's wishes, even if 50 years ago it was fine if mummy doesn't want it it doesn't happen.

Yanbu, give mil a good weaning book that upholds your views and ask mil to update herself.

my mil didn't like blw but I just kept explaining the principles and all the research I had done when we were looking into weaning as it was something we had chosen with great thought

OP YANBU. You are right not to want DC to be fed a biscuit at this age and your MIL should respect that. The fact she is providing some free child care does not give her the right to undermine you and disobey current health guidelines. How would she have felt if DGC had had an allergic reaction to something in the biscuit?

DD1 was weaned early as that was the advice back then, but i would still never have given her a rich tea biscuit at 4-months.

callmemrs hear, hear! There is no "best parenting" as advice evolves constantly.

My 16yo had to be laid face down. My 15 had to be laid sideways (or was it the otherway round?) by the time my 11yo was born you laid them on their back. It's all silly bollox TBH designed to keep "professionals" in a job.

My 16yo was advised to be weened at 12 weeks, my 15yo at 16 weeks - cant remember what they said for the 11yo I just followed what was known , tried, tested and worked.

Maddening- my point is that the op is happy to use her mil for free childcare when this issue is so important to her. I am not saying it's ok to feed a baby rich tea. I am simply Pointing out that the op is taking the piss a bit. If its important to her to have the child fed exactly in accordance with her wishes, she should stop doing things on the cheap!

YANBU at all.

If I were you, I would take the stance that you are very grateful to her for helping you to look after your child, howeve, you would really appreciate it if she can keep her stinky mashed up biscuits to herself she could abide by your wishes with certain things, and at the moment, weaning is one of them.
Tell her exactly what you are allowing your DS to eat at the moment, and if she would like to take part in feeding time with one of these things, she is of course more than welcome, but only the foods you have specified.

You could also add that you are doing this based on current,edical opinion where you should introduce foods one at a time to allow you to see if there are any allergy problems, plus as someone else has said, wheat is a huge no-no.

I do appreciate what other people are saying in that they fed their children x, y or z early, and they are fine, however, I also know people who smoked in pregnancy whose children are also fine; it still doesn't make it right. You can only do what is right based on current recommendations!

Yes. You did what was recommended at the time, and made your choices. All the op wants is to be able to do the same thing.

Ds has a cousin once removed who's 2 months older that him, was bottle fed, started solids at 3 months and now eats bought jars and pureed adult food exclusively. She is very small, overweight and, to be quite honest, a bit floppy. Oh, and her poo is hard and grey. My son, on the other hand, is big, strong, curious, and sociable

My days! Completely agree with troisgarcons and so much so that I have to highlight once again this bit from your OP. Your son is made to sound like the second coming - like a big strong likeable well mannered popular good looking prize winning sportsman whilst the other child is fat, floppy and grey of poo. May I just take this opportunity to say how utterly horrid you sound. Nasty, judgemental and unbearably smug. Get. Over. Yourself.

I don't see how helping out with childcare entitles her to overide op's parenting choices - it's not free if it costs her her principles in something important to her - in this case her child's upbringing. You see this free childcare getting banded around quite a lot and I don' see how it gives you any such rights, generally families do help each other out but it shouldn't come with strings attached. Am sure the op will be there when mil needs her in the future too.

Babies rarely need any food at 4 months however big they are.

They certainly don't need avocado and biscuits.

Yes- exactly- free childcare often does come at a price maddening. And personally I would rather pay bucket loads (which I did actually!) for childcare where my choices are respected than do it on the cheap and compromise.
The fact is, however many times you say 'but it shouldn't make a difference that it's free' - it does. The mil is doing the op a favour. Proper registered care is not a favour- and that's where as a parent you exercise your choice about where to go

I am not disagreeing about the biscuit. Rich tea mashed with water sounds disgusting for anyone not just a baby. But as the mil has made it clear she cant be relied on to follow the parents wishes, why the hell does the op get into a huge confrontation about it and then carry on using mil for free childcare?! Clearly getting to keep all her earnings matters more than her childs well being.

And the point about the cousin just comes across as bitchy and judgemental

Baby at work was weaned at just over three months on the advice of the mothers doctor, why because milk was not enough for him.

20 odd years ago all babies were weaned from 12 to 16 weeks, it done my kids no harm. They are slim not obese.

All babies are different 4.5 months is not too early but might be just right for the OPs baby, whilst not for another baby.

It really fucks me off all this talk of weaning too early.

I would be horrified at rich tea biscuits for such a young baby! There is plenty of time for them to enjoy sugar later on, but babies that young dont NEED it, and the longer you can avoid it the better.

I think disagreeing with your MIL, and even own mum, over baby rearing is pretty much universal though. Happens to everyone and is always difficult to deal with - poor you that it came up at xmas -even harder! . There are many tactics for dealing with it, I switched from trying to explain and justify to just dishing out orders and assuming an authoritive air "Mum knows best, and thats that" type attitude. Its not really my personality but it was much more effective than trying to quote recent medical studies etc!

Poor show on your husband for not backing you up. I would give him a stern raised eyebrow and tell him you will remember this occasion the next time he wants backing up over something.

Well, I don't quite get why the biscuit needed to be mashed up, baby probably should have been able to happily gum on it anyway, apart from that, it's just a biscuit, not rat poison, so really no reason to get your knickers in a twist over.

Really truly mummyabroad - I can't help thinking your 'horrified' would be better expended on something really serious. One fucking rich tea biscuit never killed anyone and as far as anyone knows it's not a precursor to lifelong ill health, questionable personal habits or an inclination to break the law. Horrified indeed. What nonsense!

YANBU.

Nobody in my (or DHs family) would dare give my DC anything to eat without running it by me first.

And your DH should be taking your side over his mothers.

You have not been at all dramatic.

I repeat, YANBU.

And even 12 years ago I didn't give my DC wheat until 6 months.

17 years ago my son was weaned at 3.5 months, however I didn't give him rich tea or any other typE of biscuit, mushed or whole

I think you sound like a user and a bit precious. I doubt your son is the second coming.
If you accept free childcare YES you have to suck it up.
Guidelines change. I have a 6'3" teenager sitting in my living room weaned at 13 weeks on medical advice. My very healthy 60 year old mother who was fed on condensed milk with 3 sugars as a baby is sitting next to him.
Pick your battles. I haven't liked some of my mother's child care views but I rationally know that life is not black and white and no one died after eating a rich tea biscuit.

I notice that the other person who has responsibility for parenting your DS and who was also there to witness this was really upset by you and your tone.

You have a point about what you want to feed your Ds but I think you perhaps approached it really badly.

Your DH thinks you were rude.

mil and yr mother should respect they way you want to bring up yr child. YANBU.

and no way should a baby of that young age should have a biscuit.

and , if i had fed my 3rd son something like a biscuit, if it had nut traces he could have died. we had no idea that he was going to have multiple allergies, and i carefully gave him food in seperate form. As i did with my first two and my fourth.

and as for early weaning and poor bottle feeding style, well , most of my family have ibs and i was a fat, over fed infant , covered in roaring ezcema. did the early solids , millet in my bottles at 3 months help with that? or the brandy rubbed on my gums? or extra sugar added to my bottles ? who knows? and does this early weaning, replacing milk have some impact on bone density? certainly there seems to be a higher rate of rickets in this country lately.

Clutchingatmypearls ROFL at "fat floppy and grey of poo".

OP, YANBU to have preferences in how you raise your son, but you can't use family for free childcare and then dictate to them how it's done. Employees are paid.

troisgarcons - NHS advice has been weaning between 4 and 6 months for about 17 years. Also, sleeping on their backs for almost 20 years. I wouldn't call that changing all the time

Biscuits in water is a stupid thing to give to a 4 month old. I would have said no too.

OP, if you'd posted this in the weaning topic (or what ever) I think you'd get very different replies.

Well said toddlerama.