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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DCs Dad could have done something with them? - so gutted for DCs

62 replies

PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 17:14

I don't even think I'm even the tiniest bit unreasonable - but need to rant. I shouldn't be, but I am - really, really disappointed for the DCs.

For the first time in years, they were really looking forward to spending 5 days with their Dad, as it was just going to be with him as their Step Mum & half DCs were away. ex-H lives in central London and so there were stacks of things they were excited about doing, particularly going to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park - which he had been promising them as a treat, since September!

So, the 5 days is up and what have they done? They have helped him clean the house all day today in preparation for SM's arrival home tomorrow. They have been to a funeral of a distant family member. He took DD shopping to buy her one Christmas present but he decided to give DS money. They have watched hours & hours & hours of TV. They haven't even been to the nearby park for a run around in the lovely sunshine today or any other day for that matter.

That's it!

ex-H is an endless disappointment, so I'm not hugely surprised but I feel so sad for the DCs. They are treated like 2nd class children by him all the time & I feel hurt for them.

OP posts:
DoesntChristmasDragOn · 22/12/2011 17:19

Are they disappointed?

minimisschief · 22/12/2011 17:20

You know you do not have to go to the park or anywhere to have quality time with a parent.

you probably do cleaning some days. The funeral cant be put on hold for the children. He probably had a nice time shopping with his daughter and sometimes it is nice to sit with the kids and watch some nice tv with them.

They probably did other stuff they neglected to mention aswell.

I am not really sure what you are having problems with.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2011 17:22

That's a shame, OP. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun this visit. :(

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 17:26

Everyday I have spoken to them, they have sounded smaller & flatter & sadder. They are really disappointed not to have gone to Winter Wonderland. Perhaps, if he hadn't been ramping them up for it for so long, it wouldn't have been a big deal.
Is it really "quality time" with a parent you don't see very often to spend it in front of the television? Really?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 22/12/2011 17:28

Does he not have much money maybe?

mrsravelstein · 22/12/2011 17:29

i sympathise, ds1 is basically not actually allowed to have any time on his own with his dad, not even to pop to the cinema for instance, without his stepmother and 2 half siblings... he is always being promised things that never quite materialise, just as your dc have experienced.

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 17:29

Can you collect the children from London and take them to WinterWonderland before you go home. I know it is not the point and wont make up for a boring five days. Can't they ask him to take them there as an alternative or tell him what they want to do?

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 17:30

How old are they by the way, I am thinking teens from your wording?

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 17:30

LOL, littlestlight, he is loaded!!!!! Lives in a 4 bed house in central London, only wears designer clothes. Definitely not short of money.

OP posts:
mrspepperpotty · 22/12/2011 17:31

My DNiece does this sort of thing with her Dad. It makes my DSIL and DB (her step dad) very sad.

YANBU but just have to live with it Sad

Flanelle · 22/12/2011 17:35

Is it too late to remind him of his promise? Don't let it go, but do be calm.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 17:36

sitandnatter, they are 12 & 10. They did tell him what they wanted to do. They made a list of London activities that would be fun. They looked up stuff on the internet & they were excited about it. Winter Wonderland was definitely his promise though. Like I say, he's been banging on about it for months now.
We have lots of plans for the things we are going to do. I'll ask them if they want to do a trade & swap one of the things we've thought about for a day up in London at Winter Wonderland. I'd love to go, so I'm happy to do it with them.

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 17:42

How much longer are they with him? Is it worth giving his sorry arse a ring?

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 17:47

They are with him until Christmas Day evening. Is it worth ringing him? Probably not. I cannot think how I could word a sentence that wouldn't sound like a criticism.

OP posts:
balia · 22/12/2011 17:53

Is it possible that the Winter Wonderland trip might be something he has planned for between now and Christmas Day evening? You'd have to be a really heartless bastard to take two of your children to something like that and not the other two, I'd have thought.

I do think it is hard for NRP's to do anything right - either they are Disney Dads, always taking kids out and not doing proper parenting, or they shut them in the house all day and make them clean (shock horror).

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 17:54

How about "your children are bored witless (or other word that rhymes), watching television may have been a treat in 1950 but today it doesn't achieve the same high levels of excitement. The children would actually like some memories of their time with you, any chance you'd get your butt sorry arse off the settee and start to make some with them? Just a thought.

Something like that, subtle hints. Xmas Wink

ThePathanKhansWitch · 22/12/2011 18:02

I'd want them home meself.Xmas Sad

Maybe you can take them next year to some of the sights?

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 18:02

balia, I am patient & forgiving of ex-H. I try not to have unrealistic expectations. I doubt very much that a 1 year old & 2.5 year old are going to be that bothered about going to Winter Wonderland after they get back at lunchtime tomorrow from a long-haul flight.

sitandnatter, if I said that he would confiscate the DCs phones as he would know that they had been commenting unfavourably about him to me. Not to mention the tirade of abuse I would have to listen to first!

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 18:11

It was tongue in cheek post but I'd have to sit on my hands to stop myself texting something similar. I think the best thing would be to tell the children to talk to him about what they want to happen in a polite nice way.

He shouldn't need telling but still.... he could be planning it for their last day but there is so much to do and see in London it would be lovely to have an exciting holiday with Dad. It seems like a wasted opportunity.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 18:50

Sorry sitandnatter - should have realised that! Had a brief sense of humour by pass.

I think it is the broken promises thing that is the worst. He seems unable to help himself from "selling in" a whole load of treats & they never happen. The DCs are starting to get wise to it now, but even that is a bit sad.

On the upside, they think i'm the bestest in the whole world. I'm so definitely not, but I end up comparing favourably, because he is pants.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 22/12/2011 20:14

have you talked to Ex about it? What has he said? have you explained to him that he keeps breaking promises and how does he think kids feel? can the kids say anything directly to him?

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 20:39

skybluepearl - we've been separated for almost 9 years now and divorced for 7. I have asked him so many times not to promise things he is unlikely to deliver. I honestly don't think he will change.

He doesn't take kindly to any hint of criticism. If I attempt a phone conversation that has even a vague hint of criticism, he will hang up the telephone. If I email or text anything that he doesn't like, he simply won't respond. I've learnt to expect zero & really it shouldn't bug me like it still does, but I can't help feeling sad for the DCs.

OP posts:
snowball3 · 22/12/2011 20:39

I always had similar problems with my ex. He lives abroad and generally sees DS1 and DS2 only twice a year. Despite this he only ever takes them to visit their grandparents, who live in the back of beyond, miles from anywhere and with nothing to do at all-except go for long walks, which is fine at times but not ALL the time! I appreciate ex wants to see his parents but just once I wish he would take them somewhere or do SOMETHING with them.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/12/2011 21:39

I think that sounds really sad. It is particularly unkind and thoughtless to promise a special visit and then not to do it. It really doesn't sound as if he has not made any effort at all. A 10 and 12 year old would be able to enjoy SO many of the wonderful sights of London. I actually don't think it is appropriate, if you are only seeing your Dcs for 5 days for a special time together to spend the entire day cleaning. How miserable.

Flanelle · 22/12/2011 22:36

"The kids say you are taking them to WW! They are SO happy, and you are SO cool! What day are you going?"