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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DCs Dad could have done something with them? - so gutted for DCs

62 replies

PostBellumBugsy · 22/12/2011 17:14

I don't even think I'm even the tiniest bit unreasonable - but need to rant. I shouldn't be, but I am - really, really disappointed for the DCs.

For the first time in years, they were really looking forward to spending 5 days with their Dad, as it was just going to be with him as their Step Mum & half DCs were away. ex-H lives in central London and so there were stacks of things they were excited about doing, particularly going to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park - which he had been promising them as a treat, since September!

So, the 5 days is up and what have they done? They have helped him clean the house all day today in preparation for SM's arrival home tomorrow. They have been to a funeral of a distant family member. He took DD shopping to buy her one Christmas present but he decided to give DS money. They have watched hours & hours & hours of TV. They haven't even been to the nearby park for a run around in the lovely sunshine today or any other day for that matter.

That's it!

ex-H is an endless disappointment, so I'm not hugely surprised but I feel so sad for the DCs. They are treated like 2nd class children by him all the time & I feel hurt for them.

OP posts:
Flanelle · 22/12/2011 22:37

I think you are quite ambivalent about him letting them down, actually.

squeakytoy · 22/12/2011 22:49

Maybe he is thinking of taking all his children, with his wife, so they could be going tomorrow hopefully.

teatimesthree · 22/12/2011 22:54

I quite like Flanelle's approach.

Feel for you - this is shite for the DCs. My ex is similar. DD is still only small, but she has already burst into tears and said 'Daddy never takes me anywhere'.

teatimesthree · 22/12/2011 22:56

PS I think it is crap to make them get the house ready for SM. This time should be about THEM.

skybluepearl · 22/12/2011 22:59

That sound hard! What a shame he isn't more receptive. Could you just fulfill all the broken promises he makes? So if he fails to take them ice-skating, you do it once they return from a stay? they must feel so let down.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 09:11

Thank you all. I don't think I am ambivalent, I think I am resigned after 9 years of him letting them down. Unfortunately, not quite resigned enough, as otherwise I wouldn't have felt sad enough to even post.

I started the week with Flanelle's approach. When he picked them up he was going on about what a great week they were going to have and all the great stuff they would do & he specifically mentioned Winter Wonderland, so I said to him in front of the DCs how I was so delighted he was going to take them & how much they were looking forward to it. I can't tell you how many times I have had similar conversations.

I have lots of stuff planned with them & unless I am hospitalised, I won't let them down!

OP posts:
trixie123 · 23/12/2011 09:46

can you ring him to see how its going and just ask "so how was winter wonderland?" he may just say they are going another day or if he does say they are not going you can ask him why not

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 11:24

I've just called now and he is on his way to the airport to pick up SM & other DCs and "can't talk". It's not going to happen. I can't imagine that SM is going to want to go out this afternoon & he certainly isn't going to take 4 DCs out by himself (!) and tomorrow they have relatives arriving. The rellies are nice, so I'm hoping they might take the DCs to the park.

Can't wait to get them back now. Had pathetic call from them this morning. Me being all bright & cheery and 'make the best of it' and them sounding so jaded and sad.

OP posts:
Dillydaydreaming · 23/12/2011 11:39

Believe me postbellamy - they WILL remember what a waste of time he is as they grow up. May he be a lonely old man - bastard. So angry on your behalf - your poor DC.
I don't think I'd be able to contain my anger with him actually AND I'd be bloody well telling him he is a useless tosser.

characidae · 23/12/2011 12:28

my dad was just like this - full of promises he wouldn't keep - while my parents were together mum made up for it after they divorced it became absolutely clear what he was really like & that he had no great interest in us. I've seen him 3 times since I was 16 (20 years) & he's only met one of my children, we've had no contact at all for the last 5 years.

Thankfully I have a marvellous (step) dad who couldn't be a better grandparent to my kids :)

YNBU btw

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 14:52

Aw characidae, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, but glad you have a great step-dad.

I desperately want my two to have a half decent relationship with their Dad. I think it is important - but it is hard when he makes so little effort. He hasn't been to a parents evening or school event for over 3 years. Sad
DS rarely wants to go to his Dad's now, but I keep on persuading him that he should keep going. If nothing else, so he has a relationship with his half siblings. Maybe I shouldn't. DD minds less as she loves babies and little children.

OP posts:
cardibach · 23/12/2011 16:49

I'm confused. HAve they been there 5 days already and have the time until the end of Christmas Day in addition? Because the OP reads as though it si a five day visit, in which case if they don't come back until Sunday the visit has hardly started. Perhaps he will take them tomorrow. Or perhaps they went today since you first posted on Thursday.
I don't think 'special time' with an absent parent has to be all whistles and bells and excitement - living his normal life with him is fine.
YANBU to be cross about him disappointing them in the past/worried about him disappointing them now, though.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 16:57

Cardibach, when i started the thread yesterday, they had already been with him for 5 days. The visit is 8 days in total, which is the longest time they have spent with him since mid 2010.

I spoke to them about an hour ago & they told me that he has said to them that he's run out of time to do Winter Wonderland now.

OP posts:
Dillydaydreaming · 23/12/2011 17:40

What an utter arsehole - he's "run out of time"??????

Direct him to this thread so he can see what a thoughtless prat he is.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 18:17

Thank you Dilly, I am really glad you think he is an arsehole too. If he read this thread, he would say we were all hormonal lesbians!!!!!!! He is my ex-H for many, many reasons.
I can't wait to pick my DCs up on Christmas evening. Can't come quick enough.

OP posts:
Sapphirefling · 23/12/2011 18:18

Arsehole. Mine were so psyched up about spending the day with daddy on Saturday. They watched '5' videos in his bedroom whilst he was on the computer downstairs.They too arrived home so sad and dejected. But like you, I dare not criticise the father of the year.

Strawbezza · 23/12/2011 19:10

Your poor children PBB Xmas Sad

It's so cruel to break a promise like that. They'll have been looking forward to it for weeks, told their friends, etc.

WW is open until early January, could you take them there after Christmas?

wheredidiputit · 23/12/2011 19:12

Your children probably do have a 'half decent relationship with their Dad' unforntunley the only decent bit is coming from your chilldren.

Perhaps your DC should have replied 'thats alright dad, mum will take next week'.

Strawbezza · 23/12/2011 19:15

And so many other poor children on this thread let down by their dads Xmas Sad

Children often think a visit to the NRP is going to be sooooo much more exciting than staying at home. Shame on these dads for putting their children last and letting them down so badly Xmas Sad

anonacfr · 23/12/2011 19:19

Could you take them after Xmas? They would enjoy it so much! We went for the first time this year and it was lovely. A lot less chaotic than what I expected and adults and kids all had fun.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 19:22

I'll ask them if they want to do a trade for one of the activities we have already planned for Winter Wonderland. I'm well up for it! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Strawbezza · 23/12/2011 19:24

Brilliant idea PBB Xmas Grin

I've not been but I saw the website and it looks amazing.

anonacfr · 23/12/2011 19:31

Definitely! It's actually not that big so you could make a day of it and do something else in London. Go in the morning, it's less busy then. If you show up mid morning it gives you plenty of time to hit the rides before having an early lunch.
You'd all love it- you sound as keen as your children. Grin

thepeoplesprincess · 23/12/2011 19:39

Why are you pussy-footing around him? Ring him up and tell him he's an ou;t-of-order twat.

slartybartfast · 23/12/2011 19:55

is this the first time he ahs had just the 2?
perhaps he isnt capable of managing on his own.
perhaps he was more concerned about getting the house clean and tidy for xmas.
perhaps it is not so bad, but sometimes thigns do fall through, particularly for those who are not organised.
does their sm usually organise things?