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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about ungrateful ds and gf

55 replies

Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 14:13

I don't think I am.

Ok, ds and his gf are early 20's and have a young baby, only ds works.

Ds has always been a taker. We have helped out many times in his adult life when he's been in financial difficulty. His gf has had a difficult upbringing, ie living on a sink estate and the problems this can bring, unemployment within the family also alcoholism. She suffers from low self esteem and relies on my ds for everything. It my quite quite along time before she would speak to me and even now she can't look me in the eye. I suppose I'm telling you this because I wonder if this is part of the problem. Dh says not, he just thinks they are rude and selfish.

We have helped them financially a lot this past year. I've bought them most of the baby things they needed, just paid two months rent, plus things for the house.

I also take them to places or pick them up as they don't drive and help out with baby when they ask me. I also have him when I want to see him too for days out etc.

I'm upset because every time I visit, I take some nappies or milk or a couple of bags of food or very recently took some lovely new outfits and I don't get one single thank you. I have to prompt ds, by saying are those nappies the right size or are those clothes ok and then I get a ' oh yeah it's fine '

After the baby was born 4 friends bought him a present. When I took it the gf just looked at it and put it down and said nothing.

I took the baby all his Christmas presents down earlier this week, I popped in this morning and they've opened everything, the toys were on the floor,the clothes on the back of the sofa. Not one word of anything.

Please, I know if I was reading this I'd probably think what a fool but I've got my gs to think off, hence the reason I take them milk and stuff.

Just feel a bit sad, really.

OP posts:
coraltoes · 22/12/2011 14:18

You poor thing, they do sound ungrateful. I think going forward id stick to buying essentials if they are needed and any toys can live at your house for when you babysit? It must really hurt after all the lovely things you have done for them. I am sure GS will grow to realize how wonderful his granny is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2011 14:19

Buy only stuff that benefits the baby; these two selfish adults can fend for themselves. You're not being unreasonable to want a 'thank you', but you're being unreasonable to expect one because your DS and his GF have no manners whatsoever.

I'm assuming that you dinned thank you's into DS's head just like every other mum.... don't feel badly about it, you tried. It may kick in one day.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 22/12/2011 14:19

you sound amazing, I would be showering you with thanks if you were my mum (and my mum helps A LOT with our children, I am constantly checking it's ok when she offers to help, occasionally take her bottles of wine or send her flowers to say thankyou, but most of all email her photos which costs nothing to do which she loves the most)

Am sad for you - doesn't matter what someone's upbringing is, it's just good manners and courteousy to say thankyou, they sound ungrateful. Though it does sound like you're building a basis for a wonderful relationship with your GS. Do you have any other children? I sometimes pull my brother up, and he has to me, when either of us thinks the other is taking the piss with our very generous mum

fuzzypeach1750 · 22/12/2011 14:21

I'm sorry that you are being treated like this. It must be so very hard.

I probably going to be flamed but I think it's because of their age (I know that not all young parents behave like this, I was one!) and the fact that they know that you will just do it for them. You will provide milk, nappies etc and the GF seems to just expect it.

To be honest it sounds like they both need to be left to their own devices and learn to grow up and understand responsibility. Time to take a step back I think, but keep them close so that you can make sure you DGC is well cared for.

Best of luck x

Shutupanddrive · 22/12/2011 14:22

Wow that is shocking, how rude not to even thank you for the presents. And why the hell have they opened the Xmas presents already? Sad
I'm with your DH on this one, they do sound rude and selfish

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 22/12/2011 14:22

You need to stop buying them things. He expects it so doesn't see it as you doing something kind for them. He's old enough to stand on his own two feet now so I'd let him get on with it. It won't mean that you don't love him or care, he needs to learn what it's like to be an adult.

Acanthus · 22/12/2011 14:22

I'd feel sad too. Poor you. Glad the LO has you around.

slavetofilofax · 22/12/2011 14:23

I would stop taking tehm material things, they will be getting enough to cover it in benefits.

If your ds's gf doesn't even say thank you, then she is just plain rude, low self esteem or not. If your ds doesn't say thank you, then you should have taught him better manners when he was a child.

Confuseddd · 22/12/2011 14:25

YANBU. They need pulling up on this! It's common courtesy to say thank you and makes a difference to the happiness of others - in this case, yours!

Btw, you say your ds has always been a taker. Why is this - were you firm enough with him over pleases and thank you'd when he was a boy? If not, maybe you need to teach him now.

Abbicob · 22/12/2011 14:26

I would like to say a big thank you on their behalf. You are a wonderful person xx

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 22/12/2011 14:28

Sod all to do with their age, some people are just damn rude.

I'd stop doing stuff for them tbh and tell them why when they ask, my sister's like that, has the world running around after her ( except for me ) and you don't get so much as a bloody thanks for it. Grrr

Original poster
Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 14:28

Ah thank you so much for your kind words. You do start to wonder if you're in the wrong.

It's funny because my youngest ds is five and when we were there this morning he piped up to his brother ' don't snatch the chocolates and say please if you want one !'

All my other children have lovely manners and say please and thank you as easily as breathing.

But you're right, I must try and pull back for a while. I just feel like they have me over a barrel though because they know how much I love my gs, they probably just think I'll always be there bringing stuff because of him.

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 22/12/2011 14:30

Stop buying them things. Stop paying rent. Stop paying for anything/or giving them money.

Wait until they ask about it.

When they do you shrug your shoulders and tell them that you've stopped buying stuff/paying for things because they never seemed all that bothered/pleased.

If you enjoy spending money then spend it on someone whho appreciates it!

Did you ask why the presents were open? That seems odd!

Original poster
Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 14:35

X posts with quite a few.

Some good advice, thank you. I know I need to step back.

He's always had a chip on his shoulder. Was a middle child for many years and always felt like the others were better than him. But in reality he's the one that has always had the most support, the most money given to or spent on him, the most time given etc. I was really hoping that this baby was going to be a fresh start for us all. Just want to add that as with the rest of my dc good manners and gratitude were always drummed in ( obv not far enough with ds! )

Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
parakeet · 22/12/2011 14:47

I agree with everyone you should try to take a step back. But obviously there will still be things you want to give. How about pulling them up on it each time it happens?

With my children when I hand something over if I don't hear a thankyou I say "What do we say?"

In their case you could say "I find it rather hurtful if someone doesn't say thankyou."

waterrat · 22/12/2011 14:54

As he is an adult now he can take an adult conversation - you need to sit the pair of them down and explain that you find their behaviour hurtful and rude. I know this kind of thing is hard to say - but particularly with your son, he needs to be pulled up. I am really shocked that they would take things that you bring without thanking you - that is appalling. And really sad about the christmas presents strewn about.

one thing that stands out - the girlfriend saying nothing when you gave her a gift - do you think she might be seriously depressed? That is a reallys trange way to behave - could she have bad PND? Do they resent you because you bring so much and it highlights what they can't do themselves?

I know that sometimes if someone has grown up with no love in their own family they feel uncomfortable seenig it shown from others. I have read people say that on mumsnet - that they find it overwhelming when in laws behave in a way their own family didnt.

Is it worth engineering some time alone with her, to talk to her - and phrase it as 'I get the impression sometimes you are unhappy with the things I bring, with the help I give - does it make you uncomfortable? and you could use that opportunity to politely make clear that she is hurting your own feelings.

I think this sounds really unsustainable and they are not being encouraged to look after themselves properly - or deal with the consequences of their own reaction. So, try and find out if she is unhappy or if there is more going on than meets the eye - and if not, I think you need to back off and let them, gently, know why

SilentBoob · 22/12/2011 14:55

Hmm. Trying to see the other side here. Perhaps they don't actually like your help? It sounds as though they need it, but that's not the same as wanting it. If they have a young baby but can't even buy nappies or pay their rent they are not doing brilliantly, meanwhile you get to breeze in with arms full of largesse - it does rather underline the fact that their efforts aren't good enough.

If we were squeaking financially and my mother in law was forever helping us out I would hate it. I would still be polite and say thank you - not remotely excusing their appalling manners - but perhaps their gratitude isn't shining through because they are not feeling warm and wonderful about the situation?

Just a thought anyway.

MamaLazarou · 22/12/2011 14:58

I agree that financial help might not be the best thing for them, or for your relationship with them at the moment. They sound really unhappy TBH, and I wonder if emotional and practical support might help them more.

LalasMama · 22/12/2011 15:02

I am a young mum - was 18 when DD was born. I am 20 now and also have a 6m DS. When DD was born, MIL and FIL lived with me and DP. And tbh, we took the piss. We didnt realised how much we relied on them until they moved out (2 days before DS was born).
We would expect MIL to look after DD at the drop of the hat. Would ask her to get nappies etc when she went on her weekly shop and would rarely pay her back.
We feel absolutely terrible now we have realised what arseholes we were. Me and MIL now have a much better relationship and i genuinely appreciate everything she does for us. We appreciate her now because when they woved out, they just left us to it for a while. It was a shock to the system and a bit of a struggle. We bought MIL a huge box of chocs and flowers and made a photo album of the DCs and put a bit of cash in a card to apoligise for being so bloody horrid.

We didnt take the piss on purpose. For me, growing up i had EVERYTHING done for me. Before i moved in with DP, i had never even made my own bed or peeled a potato before. Having to look after myself and a baby was a huge shock and i expected everyone else to do it for me.

My advice is to take a step back. Let them get on with it, and when they start to struggle I expect they will realise that they have been taking the piss and it will probably be the wakeup call they need.

Annpan88 · 22/12/2011 15:03

I read thıs post and ıt made me thınk of my parents. DH and I are ın our early 20's wıth a 9 month old DS. My parents have been wonderful. They bought so much for our DS.

My parents are much lıke you, wonderful. So are DH's actually.

I thınk ıts awful that they dont show theır thanks. We try to whenever we can. Its not about age. You need to talk to them about theır behavıour, ıts way out of lıne. I would ask them why theır so ungrateful, poınt blank. I can ımagıne thats what my parents would do ıf ı behaved ın such a way.

You are an amazıng mother and grandmother and your GC wıll love you so much.

Annpan88 · 22/12/2011 15:04

Aaarrrggghhh why does my phone keep doıng that so sorry

kelly2000 · 22/12/2011 15:07

I would only buy toys for the baby, and if they need other stuff they will have to come and ask you for it. i think it sounds liek they just expect stuff, and take it as their right and your duty therefore they do nto need to thank-you. having to actually come to you and ask for money, and thinking you might not just hand it over might make them change their attitudes.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 22/12/2011 15:13

I too think you should take a step back and let them fend for themselves. You sound lovely, and they are walking all over you. My mum regularly buys clothes and shoes for my DCs and brings nappies and wipes round for the youngest but I am always really appreciative and thank her for it all. The other day I picked up my children from my parents house and as we were in a hurry and going out I waited in the car and my mum and dad walked out to the car with the children. Dad put a pack of nappies in the back of the car, on the floor in front of DS's seat and I didn't realise he'd put them there. I was mortified I hadn't realised and phoned up as soon as we got home to thank them.

Like others have said, if you want to be generous and buy gifts for someone, buy them for someone that appreciates your kindness and generosity

DurhamDurham · 22/12/2011 15:16

Just to confirm the genreral opinion on here. You sound wonderful and so kind. They are taking you for granted. You need to empower them so stand back and let them get on with it. You can still be a brilliant Grandma,he's so lucky to have you.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 22/12/2011 15:19

Also on a few threads on here recently people have pointed out that if someone does someone a favour/good deed enough times, the recipient takes it for granted and feels entitled to it; I'm thinking this is probably the case with your DS and DIL. You do so much for them that they think it is their right for you to buy things for them and their child. I think if you stop doing these things, and maybe just buy things occasionally, they will be far more appreciative as they will hopefully stop taking it all for granted