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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about ungrateful ds and gf

55 replies

Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 14:13

I don't think I am.

Ok, ds and his gf are early 20's and have a young baby, only ds works.

Ds has always been a taker. We have helped out many times in his adult life when he's been in financial difficulty. His gf has had a difficult upbringing, ie living on a sink estate and the problems this can bring, unemployment within the family also alcoholism. She suffers from low self esteem and relies on my ds for everything. It my quite quite along time before she would speak to me and even now she can't look me in the eye. I suppose I'm telling you this because I wonder if this is part of the problem. Dh says not, he just thinks they are rude and selfish.

We have helped them financially a lot this past year. I've bought them most of the baby things they needed, just paid two months rent, plus things for the house.

I also take them to places or pick them up as they don't drive and help out with baby when they ask me. I also have him when I want to see him too for days out etc.

I'm upset because every time I visit, I take some nappies or milk or a couple of bags of food or very recently took some lovely new outfits and I don't get one single thank you. I have to prompt ds, by saying are those nappies the right size or are those clothes ok and then I get a ' oh yeah it's fine '

After the baby was born 4 friends bought him a present. When I took it the gf just looked at it and put it down and said nothing.

I took the baby all his Christmas presents down earlier this week, I popped in this morning and they've opened everything, the toys were on the floor,the clothes on the back of the sofa. Not one word of anything.

Please, I know if I was reading this I'd probably think what a fool but I've got my gs to think off, hence the reason I take them milk and stuff.

Just feel a bit sad, really.

OP posts:
andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 22/12/2011 15:24

aww :( you sound so lovely as others have said.

I agree stop buying them stuff, the only exception I'd make is the formula.

Original poster
Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 15:24

Some more good points, thank you.

I don't think that the gf has pnd. But I think she has some issues surrounding her happiness in general. As I said in my first post she has very little self esteem/confidence. I think this has been passed on to her by her own mum. On quite a few occasions I have said ' oh you look lovely today ' or your new haircut is really nice ' it's like I've spoken to her in French. She doesn't know how to take a compliment.

She also spends her life on fb ( she added me a while ago, I was hesitant to add her as I actually only use fb for real friends, but ds kept asking why I hadn't ) she has many arguments with her 'friends' over ridiculous things. So I sort of have an insight to her more deeply. But she's young and I suppose fb is part of their world.

I can't agree with them not wanting my help. They have many times text me to ask them to bring them xy or z if I was coming over to see them.

I think from the gf's point of view it is something that she is alien to. It's not done in her family, she is not familiar with it. As far as my ds is concerned I'm baffled to why he behaves like this.

lalasmama some very good points from you, it's lovely to see now that you are now very appreciative of the help you received from your pils.

OP posts:
CheeseandPickledOnion · 22/12/2011 15:25

DSS's Mum and Sister are like this too. They just weren't raised to say thank you.

Shocking behaviour if you ask me.

Original poster
Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 15:33

mamalazarou just want to say that I do help them practically to Smile I moved them into their new house, give them lifts, take them shopping, put curtains up etc it's not just money or material things that I give.

One thing that I have to say in the gf's defence is that she is looking after my gs very well, he's really healthy and so happy. That is one thing I am very grateful for Smile

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 22/12/2011 15:35

Yuck.

They sound like entitled, grabby, ungrateful, lazy sods.

Original poster
Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 15:37

Santa are you my dh! That's exactly what he says!

OP posts:
eirikthered · 22/12/2011 15:43

You describe your ds as always having been 'a taker'. Um, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but somewhere along the line you must have let him be. I'm not saying this to make you feel like it's your fault because your son is an adult and once you reach a certain age you're responsible for your own behaviour. But it does tell you what to do now: STOP. Stop funding them. I suspect you would fear the impact on your gs if you did that - but as you very fairly (and blimey, kudos to you for having it in you to be fair! I wouldn't be!) said, she is good at looking after him. He won't suffer if you stop buying things, but they might because they'll have less to spend on themselves. So what? They've taken advantage of you for too long.

Remember: in order for people to walk all over you, you have to lie down first.

MudAndGlitter · 22/12/2011 15:48

Nothing to add except that you sound lovely

Original poster
Justasmallthanks · 22/12/2011 16:07

Thank you mud

erik I know from reading a post like this it must seem like I have spoilt him or let him behave in such an appalling way. All I can say is that all my dc have had the same upbringing and values instilled in them.

My other children are very appreciative of me and what I do for them. Why this particular ds is like this is genuinely beyond me. But I can see why you might think this.

OP posts:
missdt89 · 23/12/2011 00:36

i had a difficuly upbrining dom violence between my mum and dad , dad abusive to us kids, but i would never behave like this, i dont get much help from anyone and dont expect it to be honest. But when someone does help me i am very gratfull for it and will always say thank you and maybe offer to cook dinner or something? i think your lovely to do what you do and i think they aare very ungratefull xx

Pixieonthemoor · 23/12/2011 09:32

What appallingly bad manners! You sound utterly lovely but as it is starting to really hurt you, I think it is time to take some action. Stop giving everything - they MUST have a few quid for nappies. When they start to question where all their free stuff is, you need to say that, as they never, not even once said a single thank you, it led you to believe that your help was unwanted and unwelcome and you did not want to interfere and annoy them so stopped giving it. They need to see just how much you do for them and that actually, you don't HAVE to do it so they need to show a little gratitude.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/12/2011 09:36

YANBU... being brought up on a sink-estate or being shy is not an excuse for being unable to say a simple thank you. And presumably your DS has had manners taught to him by you personally? However, I'd back off with the gifts for a while... not out of spite but because I think you're being taken for granted. People who get everything handed on a plate are notoriously ungrateful. Either that or they may even feel that you're too 'in their face' and that the gifts are a form of control.

OctonautsOnRepeat · 23/12/2011 09:56

Ok, well can I first say you seem like a lovely mother and GM.
and YADNBU
I had a similar situation with my MIL & FIL. DH and I lost our jobs (for the same company) a couple of months after we were married. FIL helped us out with the rent a bit etc until we were back on our feet. we paid him back and were stable by the time DS1 arrived.

However, my family growing up was dysfunctional. we had manners drummed into us but my parents were very much of the 'your 14, stand on your own two feet, don't complain' mindset. I really struggled with my MIL, I still do, because she is the opposite. She just overwhelms and suffocates me with affection and material stuff. And I just don't know how to deal with it.

I always say thank you and that's very kind etc. but she gets really shirty if I don't act as though she has saved me from an awful situation. I resented it a bit, before the kids, to be honest. It felt like she wouldn't credit me for standing on my own two feet and had to swoop in and save me.

She had a difficult childhood too and is a war baby. FIL rescued her from an abusive father and has always handled their money for nearly 60 years. I think she equates materials possessions as a way of showing her love and wanted to 'rescue' me as FIL did her. I think.

It's much easier now we have the DCs. I think she just needed someone to dote over and they adore her. She is always buyng them stuff- won't even pop in for a cuppa without bringing bags of chocolate and grapes for the kids. I always save her photos and little pictures the boys have done etc and I feel much less smothered as her attention is elsewhere.

I guess that what I'm trying to say, is that maybe the GF just isn't used to someone being so nice to her and maybe thinks you are trying to prove what a lovely and better person you are. That's not what I think, I think you sound fab and a really supportive, practical parent. I do think they should be more grateful and show some gratitude. could your DH have a word with DS?

TheMonster · 23/12/2011 09:58

I knew someone who was like that. She said she felt awkward when people gave her things. No, she was just rude.

imaginethat · 23/12/2011 10:05

Aw I feel for you, you sound so lovely and you are being treated so badly.

Not sure about the now side of things but my sister went through similar and has stuck with it for the grandchild's sake. Just kept on and on supporting them. Though she didn't buy things so much as provide childcare and encouragement to help them into higher education and then work.

It has paid dividends, they are all doing beautifully, especially the child who is utterly lovely.

So maybe channel your incredible generosity into cc or (later) taking gs to swimming lessons etc.

All the best x

PattySimcox · 23/12/2011 10:10

You sound lovely. I wish you were my MIL

Agree you need to step back for a bit

ssd · 23/12/2011 10:11

op, I think now is the time you have to stop making excuses for them, we've all got reasons to behave badly, but if no one allows it, then you can't

you seem intent on allowing it

AlpinePony · 23/12/2011 10:13

YANBU.

Tbh, I would say 'aren't you going to say thank-you then?' In exactly the same manner I would an impatient 5 year old.

alemci · 23/12/2011 10:16

you sound so lovely. It must be so disheartening. I think though you need to stand back a bit and let them come to you. don't be so available.

they need to start showing a bit of gratitude. Or make a joke of it. 'A thank you would be nice'.

MetalSian · 23/12/2011 10:28

I had DS at 18.
I was living with my parents at that time with my DP.

I think at their age you really need to let them know what is happening and talk to them.
Or give them a bit of cold turkey.

I had an argument with my DM when DS was around a month old, so we moved out to DP's mothers.
At the time I didn't realise how ungrateful I was being but I think when you are tired with a young baby you aren't always thinking.

Two years on my parents still help me. Not so much financially as they used to but they are great.
I always say thank you and appreciate them so much. Definately more so since I have live in my own place.

Your son seriously needs a kick up the arse, if you don't feel comfortable talking to the gf then talk to him.
It really isn't fair on you and they need reminding that!
Rather than just being the personal bank and shopper.

And you sound LOVELY.
I hope things get better and you get to enjoy your grandchild.

specialagentmeh · 23/12/2011 10:34

You sound lovely. My parents are like this with my sister who is a single
Mum and she also just expects it & is unappreciative - sometimes even resentful, feeling they are spoiling her DS or usurping her in his affections. It makes me & other siblings very sad as my sis is not a bad person, but she seems to treat them so thoughtlessly.

They, in turn seem unable or unwilling to step back to give space for her to recognise how much they do, feeling that GS will miss out if they do. I agree with other posters that sadly you do need to step back & do less

Christmascack · 23/12/2011 10:34

Such a shame, i wish your son would just say thank you to you. perhaps you need to gently tell him that it's polite to say thank you and if he doesn't he might find other people wont give gifts etc Can you perhaps tell him to remember to thank everyone for Christmas gifts for the baby, and also tag on that you need thank you's every so often as well. You sound lovely.

HenriettaFarthingay · 23/12/2011 10:36

justasmallthanks I think it's time you cut the cord and let them stand on their own two feet.

Of course, the lack of thanks is unforgiveable.

FriggFRIGGYPudding · 23/12/2011 11:11

Okay,I have skim read,
I have anxiety issues and I constantly worry I come across as rude,but I say thankyou ALL THE TIME for everything,
DPs parents are amazing and have helped us lots,I find it difficult,but wonderfull at the same time,I'm just not used to the level of love and lovelyness!
I also don't know how to take a complement,it is,like you say,as if they are speaking French...

DP is also of the 'if you don't ask you won't get' school of thought,which I find very difficult.

So to sum up,when I read the Op I had a pang of 'oh shite that sounds like us'
But,on re reading,it doesn't,we would NEVER be so rude as to not even say thankyou!

If they cannot show thanks for all that you have done,it is very,verysad.

empirestateofmind · 23/12/2011 11:56

I agree with all those saying talk to them. Especially to your DS. He needs reminding that he should show some manners. At the moment he is behaving like an entitled lazy and rude small boy. What a terrible example he is to his own little boy.