To feel sad about ungrateful ds and gf

[Justasmallthanks]

I don't think I am.

Ok, ds and his gf are early 20's and have a young baby, only ds works.

Ds has always been a taker. We have helped out many times in his adult life when he's been in financial difficulty. His gf has had a difficult upbringing, ie living on a sink estate and the problems this can bring, unemployment within the family also alcoholism. She suffers from low self esteem and relies on my ds for everything. It my quite quite along time before she would speak to me and even now she can't look me in the eye. I suppose I'm telling you this because I wonder if this is part of the problem. Dh says not, he just thinks they are rude and selfish.

We have helped them financially a lot this past year. I've bought them most of the baby things they needed, just paid two months rent, plus things for the house.

I also take them to places or pick them up as they don't drive and help out with baby when they ask me. I also have him when I want to see him too for days out etc.

I'm upset because every time I visit, I take some nappies or milk or a couple of bags of food or very recently took some lovely new outfits and I don't get one single thank you. I have to prompt ds, by saying are those nappies the right size or are those clothes ok and then I get a ' oh yeah it's fine '

After the baby was born 4 friends bought him a present. When I took it the gf just looked at it and put it down and said nothing.

I took the baby all his Christmas presents down earlier this week, I popped in this morning and they've opened everything, the toys were on the floor,the clothes on the back of the sofa. Not one word of anything.

Please, I know if I was reading this I'd probably think what a fool but I've got my gs to think off, hence the reason I take them milk and stuff.

Just feel a bit sad, really.

I wil talk to ds, you are all right.

Reflecting on what has been posted I think that they do feel entitled, partly because I keep giving and partly because they have my gs and they know that I will do anything for him. But this problem won't resolve until I alter my behaviour.

I do appreciate all your posts and the time you've taken it's good to thrash things out with other adults. I do talk to my friends but you can imagine their views!

Right must dash off to sainsburys now for the food shop. Cheerio

I'd tackle your DS first, on his own and in a low-key and non-confrontational manner. He knows what constitutes polite behaviour and at least you know for sure that he's been brought up within societal norms. Ask him why he never acknowleges (not "thanks" perhaps, that will sound to him as if you are demanding his gratitude) your gifts and assistance. Tell him you need to know what you can do IN FUTURE to help them become more self-sufficient and less dependant on your charity generosity.

The GF sounds like a much harder nut to crack. There are people out there from extremely dysfunctional families and/or communities who perceive examples of common courtesy such as saying "please" or "thank you", or paying an unsolicited compliment, as a sign of weakness or subservience. It's what teachers or magistrates expect you to do, to show you who's boss. The constant petty FB squabbles sound as if she has a Jeremy Kyle level of social skills. Poor girl!

If she's happy being a mum and making a good job of it then just concentrate on praising her parenting skills instead of giving her material stuff. If they complain they are short of essentials then offer to help sort out a budget so they don't have to rely on handouts from you.

Good luck!

Can I ask whether your husband is your son's father? It's just that you refer to him as your son and your husband as your husband rather than his dad.

Also, when your son texts you to ask for nappies etc, does he say please? If you reply with OK, does he text back saying thanks? (Not expecting an affirmative answer here!)

And yes, you do sound lovely, but they are really out of order. If your son's girlfriend has such a hard life that nobody's given her anything, you'd think she'd be even more grateful, or even say, "You don't need to do that."

No dh isn't my ds's father but he brought him up as his own and has always tried to do right by him, so much different than his real father.

When he texts me to bring things, he does say please can you bring xyz.. I turn up with it and they'll just leave the bags on the side. They don't say anything or text to say thanks. I have felt outraged and that I won't take anything, but when I'm doing my own shopping I think oh ds would like that pie/pizza whatever or I bet they are running low on nappies, I'll get some. My resolve breaks.

Someone further up the thread said something about the gf feeling embarrassed about me doing things for her and even though dh disagrees I sort of feel that because her family don't/can't buy for her she feels annoyed or something with me because I do. It's like she's punishing me almost. But it might not be that. I just can't accept it's because she rude!

why on earth not?

the world's full of rude, grasping people

why do you feel the need to constantly try to anyalyse her behaviour, instead of accepting she's rude and your son isn't much better?

you need to let them grow up, instead of the constant pandering you give them