Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... everyone has sympathy for MIL but I am just sooooo angry at her?

73 replies

dimplebum · 21/12/2011 22:50

A bit of background info - I will try to keep it short

MIL is a smoker, a big smoker! She was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago, thankfully it was in its early stages and they told us if she stopped smoking they would operate on her to remove it and save her. She told us and the medical team she had stopped and so they operated (removed part of her lung). It was a huge operation that left her so ill that we thought she would not pull through at one stage. Luckily she did, but it was during her recovery that we found out she had never stopped smoking and that was why her recovery from the operation was so slow - well it almost killed her. FIL and DH (whos an only child) begged her to stop - to no avail - she still smokes to this day.

To try to cut a long story short, she is almost fully recovered but obviously still a high risk and has had repeated reminders to go for her flu jab - she refuses. So as expected, she has contracted flu, she is v ill. FIL has had to take time off work to care for her as she cant even get out of bed to go to the loo without FIL carrying her. Today they rang to cancel all our christmas arrangements, which isnt such a loss to us as we still get to spend it with my family but I really feel for FIL. Now she is refusing to take her antibiotics.

Everyone keeps asking about her giving well wishes and sharing their sympathy. Im probably being a cold hearted bitch but I am just so angry at her!

In my eyes so is being unbelievably selfish, everyone around her loves and cares for her so much and she is thinking only of herself. I am just so sad for FIL and DH.

AIBU to feel this way, DH thinks I am ...

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 22:52

it might be a bit more tactful to keep your thoughts to yourself..

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 22:52

She must be in a very dark place mentally by the sound of things.

MeltingChocolateBunnies · 21/12/2011 22:53

Yanbu she sounds hard work

BubbleBobble · 21/12/2011 22:54

No, you're not. I get it. It's the complete lack of thought for other people that's upsetting. Yes, she's having horrible health issues and anyone who is deserves sympathy, but she's making herself worse and not considering the impact it has on everyone else.

ajandjjmum · 21/12/2011 22:54

You're actually NBU at all, but your DH is (understandably) not wanting to hear criticism of someone he loves very much, when she's so poorly.

Hope you get to enjoy Christmas.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 21/12/2011 22:55

I don't think you are BU. She is refusing to do anything to help herself stay healthy. I would also see her as being a bit selfish, no thinking about her dh and ds.

hiddenhome · 21/12/2011 22:55

My friend's mother was like this. She just had her mind set on doing what she wanted. Sadly, she died a few weeks ago. My friend was angry with her, but there's nothing you can do when they're like that.

I hope you MIL recovers soon and perhaps takes more interest in preserving her health. Life is precious, but some people just aren't interested.

Sirzy · 21/12/2011 22:55

I thought that worra.

Sirzy · 21/12/2011 22:57

Also people normally have a reason for deciding they don't want treatment/vaccinations. Perhaps she is in a situation where she is (understandably) fed up of having medicine pumped into her.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 21/12/2011 22:58

She sounds like she might be depressed. Just a thought.

Miette · 21/12/2011 22:58

I've never been addicted to smoking and don't smoke now, but my understanding of smoking addiction is that the compulsion is so big that people can't really help themselves. Is she depressed? That could explain the not wanting to take care of herself by taking anti B's and getting a flu injection.

runningwilde · 21/12/2011 22:59

I don't think yabu but she must be a very extreme addict too which is very sad although I do think it is wrong that she lied about the smoking and took up valuable nhs resources - because she lied and didn't adhere to the conditions

Crabapple99 · 21/12/2011 22:59

antibiotics can't be for flu, so theres obvioulsy more to her health problems than you have said

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 23:01

YANBU, but you don't know what's going on in her head so you can't make an accurate judgement of her. I agree that on the surface it seems selfish, but there may be more to it than that.

You need to keep your feelings to yourself. They will not help your dh and if you continue to tell him how you feel then you are being far more selfish than your MIL.

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 23:02

"Today they rang to cancel all our christmas arrangements, which isnt such a loss to us as we still get to spend it with my family but I really feel for FIL"

That sentence stands out to me.

This is your husbands MOTHER... yes it is frustrating when someone you care about is ill and you feel they could do more to help themselves... but there does seem to be something lacking in your post... compassion.

fallenpetal · 21/12/2011 23:04

YANBU thats just so selfish imo, its a deliberate act of attention seeking or as suggested by worra she is mentally unstable.

Either way anyone that smokes after having lung cancer deserves little sympathy, its just not that hard to stop if you actually really want to so please dont beat yourself up about being angry at her behaviour. I pity your FIL too he must be finding it all very hard :( I hope she soon recovers so he can get some rest.

Wittsend13 · 21/12/2011 23:06

I personally would put the antibiotics in her tea so she wouldn't know Wink

Sidge · 21/12/2011 23:07

YANBU to feel as you do.

It is incredibly frustrating when people make no effort to help themselves, especially when so ill. And it's not just this one episode, it's the years of repeatedly ignoring all efforts to assist in improving her health.

You would be unreasonable to voice your opinions though, best to keep them to yourself.

Original poster
dimplebum · 21/12/2011 23:13

Thanks for all your comments

I would never, voice my opinion, and most definately not to MIL.

When DH first told me that she was not refusing her antibiotics, I said without thinking "well she s more selfish than I thought." Looking back I feel bad for saying it to him, he is stressed enough about it. It was one of those things said in the heat of the moment.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 21/12/2011 23:13

I know how frustrating it can be to deal with someone who point blank refuses to co-operate with any medical advice or take tablets. My own mother was ludicrously stubborn in this respect and the coroner assured me that if she'd not pig-headedly died of hypothermia, the failing heart that she refused to take her prescribed medicine for her would have got her sooner rather than later.

But I've come to the conclusion that there are more complex reasons for people behaving like this so it isn't enough for the OP to dismiss her MIL as "selfish". Certainly, a little compassion wouldn't go amiss either and without doubt, the OP would be very unreasonable indeed to share the sentiments expressed here with anyone in the family.

Original poster
dimplebum · 21/12/2011 23:14

that should say refusing to take her antibiotics

OP posts:
Pantofino · 21/12/2011 23:22

"Either way anyone that smokes after having lung cancer deserves little sympathy," You do realise that it is an addiction, right?

fallenpetal · 21/12/2011 23:26

Yes I realise its an addiction, I smoked for years but when faced with serious ill health it was really not that hard for me to stop - my sister has just quit (6months ago) after nearly 30yrs of 40 a day. Anyone can stop if they REALLY want too

Pantofino · 21/12/2011 23:28

Of course they can....Hmm

Sidge · 21/12/2011 23:36

Quitting is certainly a lot easier these days, there's an awful lot of support and products available.

It's largely psychological and if you are really determined with the right support and appropriate products you are very likely to succeed in quitting.