... everyone has sympathy for MIL but I am just sooooo angry at her?

[dimplebum]

A bit of background info - I will try to keep it short

MIL is a smoker, a big smoker! She was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago, thankfully it was in its early stages and they told us if she stopped smoking they would operate on her to remove it and save her. She told us and the medical team she had stopped and so they operated (removed part of her lung). It was a huge operation that left her so ill that we thought she would not pull through at one stage. Luckily she did, but it was during her recovery that we found out she had never stopped smoking and that was why her recovery from the operation was so slow - well it almost killed her. FIL and DH (whos an only child) begged her to stop - to no avail - she still smokes to this day.

To try to cut a long story short, she is almost fully recovered but obviously still a high risk and has had repeated reminders to go for her flu jab - she refuses. So as expected, she has contracted flu, she is v ill. FIL has had to take time off work to care for her as she cant even get out of bed to go to the loo without FIL carrying her. Today they rang to cancel all our christmas arrangements, which isnt such a loss to us as we still get to spend it with my family but I really feel for FIL. Now she is refusing to take her antibiotics.

Everyone keeps asking about her giving well wishes and sharing their sympathy. Im probably being a cold hearted bitch but I am just so angry at her!

In my eyes so is being unbelievably selfish, everyone around her loves and cares for her so much and she is thinking only of herself. I am just so sad for FIL and DH.

AIBU to feel this way, DH thinks I am ...

YANBU for being angry - but if I had a diagnosis of cancer with months of waiting, tests, waiting, results, waiting, consultations I would be screaming for every bit of control I could, if that meant that the simple word "no" was respected - that's probably what i'd fight for and be incredibly venimous if I didn't get my way.

*venomous

I understand your point Biscuit, but that is very much cutting off your nose to spite your face. My mother nearly died of cancer, unrelated to smoking as she had never smoked in her life, but if the doctors had told her there was something she could have done to improve her chances we all would have been devastated if she had chosen to ignore them to take a stand.

Has nayone asked her why she is refusing her anti biotics? Or has she given any indication of her reasons?

On the surface it smacks of being very selfish, but when though on a little more, she is endangering her health, there must be a reason why?

My Step FIL was in many ways the same. he had a long and complex medical history heart disease nearly killed him in hospital for months week sin intesive care, told to give up smoking, became unemployable as he worked on oil rigs, but miraculously got better, and started smoking again, 10 years later got bowel cancer, had an operation nearly died of peritonitous and speticaemia, spent months and months in hospital (after the smoking ban) many of which in intesive care, came home for a day while in a hospice and first thing he wanted to do was smoke , he hadn't at that stage had a cigarette for nearly 6 months, but it was what he wanted to do. Cue huge row, MIL distraught as she had by then nearly lost him twice.

He then had an operation to remove a leg, again months in hosptial, came out and immediately started smoking again. Then finally got lung cancer and died 18 months ago. Throughout all of this my MIL cared for him, and loved him, and he smoked like a chimney.

My DH was permanently angry about this, and the pressure it was putting on MIL, but FIL was an adult, and it was what he wanted to do. He had had a life of pain, some caused by the smoking, but he enjoyed it and he did not want to give it up. He must have borken the addiction when he was physically prevented form smoking for months, but that didn't matetr, he wanted to smoke, he enoyed smoking. He had precious little in his life, and for that reson if he said he enjoyed smoking I have to say I always thought it was his choice. He knew it would kill him (which it did) we knew it would kill him, MIl knew it would kill him. But he had nearly died 3 times before the lung cancer got him, and he believed he should be free to do what he wanted, and what he wanted, genuinely wanted was to smoke. I didn't approve, but it was his choice to make.

MIL has also since died, and one thing I have always been sure of, is that her life was much better for having step FIL in it, that she missed him terriby after he died, but that part of him was the fact he smoked and he would never ever have given up, and she would never ever have given him up. And she was happier for that, and I suspect step FIL was happier for smoking.

I have never smoked, I never will. DH doesn't smoke. We both hate smoking and everything about it. But I think YABU. Your MIL is an adult, you may not understand why she behaves as she does, it may be unfair, but its her choice, and I have no doubt she knows that it will kill her one day, just like it killed my Step FIL. It doesn't make her any less of a mother to your DH, nor does it mean she loves him any less.

YANBU OP but sometimes, when you've been very very poorly for a long time, taking tablets and helping yourself is a huge deal. Whether her illness was self inflicted or not isn't relevant really. I understand why from your PoV you're angry I would be too, especially as she's not stopping. But depression, poorliness AND the massive inner strength it takes to quit may just seem like too big a hill to climb. Your MIL sounds like she's in denial, or worse, doesn't care whether she lives or dies.

YANBU, but you should show compassion, if not for your MIL but for the charade of the rest of the family, speaking the plain truth won't help any of you.

It's not rational, but neithers refusing food when you're greiving or getting blind drunk when you've been dumped.

YANBU to feel angry OP, nor do I think you lack compassion. It is simply that you feel more compassion for your FIL and DH who have no control over the situation than for MIL who is in control over whether or not she takes the advised medications.

You should perhaps discuss with your FIL where MIL is getting her cigarettes from.

I might also be inclined to have a chat with your MIL. Not in an attempt to change her behaviour, nor to berate her for it; just to ask her why she won't take her flu jab/antibiotics because you want to understand what she wants, and WHY. Several others have suggested depression, all too likely in the circumstances. Or, it may be a perfectly rational, un-depressed desire to not prolong her own life, if she regards the quality as unacceptable (in which case I might be tempted to point out the effects of her decision on her husband and son).

But I think you should stop feeling guilty for the anger. It is a normal human response to the situation. As, perhaps, is her behaviour.

Sorry, I disagree about it meaning she doesn't love him less. If you really love your child, then you do everything in your power to save them from pain. If you are fighting cancer and giving up smoking may help you to live longer, then you should want to give up smoking. A good mother would do that, because it is desperately unfair on your kids to carry on just because you want to.

If you get sick and do everything within your power to recover, but die anyway, at least your family have the consolation of knowing that everything possible was done. For this woman, she may die and her family will be left with thoughts of 'what if' and will feel guilt (undeserved) that they didn't do enough to stop her.

My mother died of cancer and would have loved the opportunity that your Mil seems to be throwing away. No you are not being unreasonable. She sounds selfish and ungrateful.
Someone with her history stands a high risk of complications such as pneumonia which could kill her. Perhaps her oncology team need to remind her of that before her ignorance kills her.

Ninky, that would depend on what my life was like at the time.

If I had to choose my life or smoking with my life as it is at the moment, I would absolutely choose my life.

If my children were grown up and settled, I spent many of my waking hours feeling ill or feeling miserable, and I knew I probably only had a matter of a few years anyway, the I would probably choose smoking tbh.

I know how that sounds, but I also think that when your times up then your times up.

My Dad died from cancer when I was a young teenager, as did my best friends Dad. Neither of them smoked. Then another friends dad (who became like a Dad to me) also died of cancer. he didn't smoke either and they were all in their fifties. My uncle died from a heart attack at 61, also never having smoked. On the other hand, I have an Aunt who lived until her late 80's after chuffing away at 20 a day, as did my ex dh's Nan. I'm not stupid enough to believe that our lifestlye choices have no affect on our life expectancy, clearly they do.

But when living isn't that great anyway, and when you know that giving up something that you really enjoy would be especially hard and may only make the difference of a year or two, I can easily understand why someone in the OP's MIL's position would choose to continue smoking. The fact that she is also not taking meds that she could easily take, suggests to me that she doesn't feel her life is worth hanging on to at any cost.

I can't believe how sanctimonious some people can be. Where is the compassion. I also can't believe that even if you vehemently disapprove of smoking (which I do) you can't understand that a very sick woman who knows that she is very ill, and nearly died is getting so much grief. I can't profess to understand why she still smokes, (I didn't understand why my step FIk smokes apart fromt he fact he wanted to) but she does. I don't approve of the fact she lied to the NHS to get treatment which may have been "better" given to someone who wasn't smoking, but that was not and is not our decision to make. I also fundamentally don't agree that it means she loves your DH any less, she may be being selfish, but are you really all saying you always do anything for your children and family no matter what the cost to you. If you are I don't believe you.

Your DH thinks you are being unreasonable. Its his mother, and if you love him, you have to support him. It's going to be worse when your MIL does die, and he will to want to have any doubt you cared as and when that happens. He will need you.

My brother did the same when he had leukaemia, refused to take his medication, the doctors couldn't understand why his blood counts were so low.

I was utterly perplexed by this: we had all gone through hell thinking he was going to die, my mum had taken months and months off work and stayed at his side for the best part of a year, he was only 26 at the time...I just didn't get it. Looking back though, I think he was just fatalistic by that point and not wanting to have to take responsibility for it.

I can understand your anger, but you don't sound very compassionate. This is a sick old woman and I think you need to be a bit kinder even if her behaviour baffles you.

I dont think YABU, but i do think you need to apoligise to your DH for what you said. He realy doesn't need to hear it.

On the surface I'd find it hard to feel sympathy, but then I'm "one of those ex smokers". Seven years on I still crave cigarettes and it's not easy but I did it for the kids.

However given the other things, refusing other treatments I think there's deeper stuff going on here. So I'd try to sympathise, but I can recognise how hard that would be.

If she has a reduced lung function and now has flu chances are her CO2 levels are raised and this can make people act irrationally (eg refusing the antibiotics)

She needs the antibiotics to prevent her secretions from getting infected and perhaps someone needs to explain to her that they will make her feel more comfortable.

she sounds frustrating and annoying. However you need to be a bit more zen about it- shes an adult and she can do what she likes. If shes leaning on people too much, they're adults and can make the choice how much their capacity is in terms of supporting her. Stop getting annoyed for other people (easier said than done I know)

Do you think she might be depressed?

I mean- she's survived lung cancer and other complications, so it's like the risk of smoking is suddenly minimised (in her eyes), and it's a comfort but not such a comfort, because she might feel dull and low all the time, that giving it up wouldn't be worth it in terms of satisfaction etc. I don't know. She doesn't sound very happy and sometimes you don't realise how other people feel about you- it's a very big sacrifice.

By the way, not all smokers are heavily addicted. I know someone who stopped very easily and never looked back, because she had really worked on herself and developing her willpower, and she was a heavy smoker before.

I know someone else who looks like she's being pretty selfish by carrying on smoking- knows her mum hates it, her father recently died from a smoking related illness. She's not heartless. It can just be so hard. It's different for different people.

i had a similar situation in my family, very long story that I wouldn't go into in case anyone recognised me, but all I can say is that no matter how pissed off you are, keep it in and try to remember that she is not a well person, physically or mentally from the sounds of it. difficult to do.

There must be a reason why a) she didn't go for her flu jab and b) won't take antibiotics. Neither of those things take much effort. So perhaps she is depressed, doesn't want to go on living. One option is to take her into hospital and put her on an antibiotic drip.

As for the smoking, my MiL was diagnosed with COPD a few years ago. COPD is caused by smoking and the one thing you need to do when diagnosed is to stop smoking, because it's the only thing that will slow down the progress of the disease. She refuses to stop. Her excuse is that it's the only thing in life that gives her any pleasure. This despite the fact that every puff she takes is making her more and more ill, more and more short of breath. She wheezes, she coughs, she can hardly breathe a lot of the time. What can you do with someone like that? Almost nothing as far as I can tell.

she still smokes to this day.

s'up to her then. I dont really have much sympathy for selfish people like that

shrugs

I think she´s selfish if she is making it unnecessarily hard for FIL.

But that said, it´s her illness to deal with as she sees fit.