... everyone has sympathy for MIL but I am just sooooo angry at her?

[dimplebum]

A bit of background info - I will try to keep it short

MIL is a smoker, a big smoker! She was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago, thankfully it was in its early stages and they told us if she stopped smoking they would operate on her to remove it and save her. She told us and the medical team she had stopped and so they operated (removed part of her lung). It was a huge operation that left her so ill that we thought she would not pull through at one stage. Luckily she did, but it was during her recovery that we found out she had never stopped smoking and that was why her recovery from the operation was so slow - well it almost killed her. FIL and DH (whos an only child) begged her to stop - to no avail - she still smokes to this day.

To try to cut a long story short, she is almost fully recovered but obviously still a high risk and has had repeated reminders to go for her flu jab - she refuses. So as expected, she has contracted flu, she is v ill. FIL has had to take time off work to care for her as she cant even get out of bed to go to the loo without FIL carrying her. Today they rang to cancel all our christmas arrangements, which isnt such a loss to us as we still get to spend it with my family but I really feel for FIL. Now she is refusing to take her antibiotics.

Everyone keeps asking about her giving well wishes and sharing their sympathy. Im probably being a cold hearted bitch but I am just so angry at her!

In my eyes so is being unbelievably selfish, everyone around her loves and cares for her so much and she is thinking only of herself. I am just so sad for FIL and DH.

AIBU to feel this way, DH thinks I am ...

Sad non understanding of addiction here. Her actions speak volumes, she doesn't value herself enough to look after herself. I understand where you are coming from OP, but it is not lack of regard for her family that is driving her actions, it's lack of regard for herself and that is so sad.

She's a grown up. She may be acting in a way which you find well you actually seem to find it inconvenient more than anything incomprehensible, but it is none of your business. It's not actually anyone's business although her husband and children are probably the worst affected by her choices, moreso even than herself. That doesn't mean anybody, ever, for one second, gets to make those choices for her. The instant she became an adult, she became responsible for herself, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Your feelings aren't unreasonable, but telling the rest of the family how you feel is.

How incredibly sad. Some people just can't give up, you know. It is a terrible addiction, especially if it is started young.

It sounds to me as though she knows she is very near death, and there's not a single thing she can do about it. It's up to her whether she wants to fight, it's her life. The alternative is lots more medical intervention, and she may have had enough.

I think you have to accept that at that stage people really aren't considerate of others. Dying is quite a difficult and private business. It isn't selfishness. I think you sound very cold-hearted indeed, and quite immature, to think people can change the habits of a lifetime just like that, when there is addiction involved. It will probably make no difference whatsoever at this stage anyway.

Everyone loved her and cared about her when she was young and fit and lively. And a smoker. Why not now? She's still the same person. You need to accept her as she is, and be grateful for the positive things she has done in her life. Such as bringing up the boy who became your DH.

Your hard-heartedness will not be helping him at all. She's his mum! She's ill, possibly dying.

I think YABU.

not necessarily true about ill or dying people not being considerate of others. Sometimes that's all that's important to them, making it as easy as possible for those they leave behind.

YANBU to be annoyed or frustrated but best to keep it to yourself and support your husband.

YANBU OP. Anger is a very normal reaction in a situation like this...people need to realise this and ease up on the OP. I actually think her anger is an indicator of how much she cares, not how little.
OP, you are seeing your DH in pain, and feeling angry towards the person who is causing it. This is not rational, but it is understandable.

id be angry at fil as well

if he has to carry her to the loo - then he is buying and supplying the fags.

Fallenpetal is right. People can stop if they really want to

And thats the problem. Most smokers dont really and truly want to. They know they should, they may be suffering from health problems as a result of smoking, their family may be pressuring them, they cant afford it orthey may have watched friends or family die from smoking, so they know they have to give up. But they dont really want to and thats why there is such a high failure rate amongst attempted quitters.

I say this as a confirmed smoker who is currently not smoking. I know I will always be a smoker, but sometimes I wont smoke. Its like being an alcoholic, you can be a sober alcoholic, and this is the same. When you dont really, in your heart, want to quit then you wont.

Oh you may have months or even years where you dont have a cigarette, but in your heart you wont have given up. And all it will take is a drink too many after a bad day and someone who doesnt know offering you one, and you are back on 20 a day. I know this because I have done it, and so have several of my friends. I started again after I had the baby (6 months) when I found out about Hs affair. I have recently quit in my pre-xmas detox, but it has been absolute hell and I know that at some point I will end up smoking agin. My BF quit before she got PG, 8 years ago, and she says that sometimes she would rip someones arm off to get their cigarette off them! She doesnt because she has an iron will, but she never feels like an ex-smoker, but a smoker that isnt currently smoking. An old friend of mine watched her mum die of lung cancer and she smokes more now than she did before.

However, my late FIL decided that he didnt like being a smoker and quit one day. He was in the pub, put his fag out and said he wouldnt smoke again. His mates laughed at him and placed bets, but he never had another cigarette and didnt miss them. He had done it because he wanted to, so he succeeded.

I don't quite understand why someone would go through a huge operation to remove lung cancer & then refuse treatment for flu. Did the op cure her cancer or does she still have it? Maybe if she still has it she has just come to the point where she wants no more medication for anything - sad as it is, it is also usually understandable. Every person I have ever lost has been lost to cancer and people just have different thresholds as to how much treatment they can take I'm afraid.

If, however, she has been cured & now won't accept treatment for something like flu then I would tend to agree with those who say she sounds depressed - it doesn't add up really does it?

op - i know what it's like - FIL did nothing to help himself (heart problems, ate cheese every day, didn't take meds, refused to do even light exercise). it is so terribly frustrating & you can't think how to help a person. also had a cousin who refused chemo because he believed that a healthy diet & positive thinking would be better for him.

the answer is - you have to just accept she is who she is, you can't control her. your dh may want to talk about this, and if he thinks you're dismissive of her, may not want to talk with you. some people do things like this to be attention seeking/selfish, they enjoy the drama & people dancing attendance on them. others do it out of fear, or a belief that they will somehow find their own cure.

was MIL generally selfish & attention seeking anyway, or not? because that will probably be a big factor in her behaviour. it could be fear or a huge case of denial.

(tbh, if i was told I would get a life saving op. IF I gave up smoking, I would say I'd given up smoking whether I had or not. I don't smoke, btw, but kind of feel she was pretty much forced into lying in that scenario)

You're not being unreasonable at all. Nor hard hearted. If this was my one of my parents I'd have gone ballistic about smoking in these circumstances. My DF lost his battle with cancer (nothing to do with smoking, he didn't), she has another chance (someone said she's probably dying, I thought OP said she'd almost recovered). If she has developed a fatalistic viewpoint then perhaps your DH can have a chat with her doctors and call a cancer charity to get some advice on how to help her.

What a shame for your DH and DFil.

I agree with Bogeyface about the desire to give up. However, I smoked for a decade and for much of that was trying and failing to give up. I was never a really heavy smoker but at least ten a day and it pretty common for me to be fishing around the ashtray for longish butts if I'd run out and the shops were shut. I finally gave up about a decade ago ( got people to sponsor me to quit for Cancer Research). I can honestly say that I don't feel like a smoker at all, even when roaring drunk have no urge whatsoever so it can change. I'd assumed I'd always be stuck with the urge so no-one was more surprised than me when it stopped. Am so glad I gave up (and with the exception of people who have already been treated for a smoking related disease, have no problem being around smokers).

fallenpetal Some could argue that you were selfish and bought on your own serious health probs by smoking in the first place, knowing the risks and therefore taking up valuable NHS resources. It is through luck and not action that you are still here today.

Good on your for quitting, but don't judge those who can't or don't, even after a health scare. My dear gran is nearly 90 and has smoked anywhere between 20 and 40 a day (maybe sometimes more) since she was 13. I certainly would not expect her to quit the moment she has a health scare and definitely would not deem her selfish for not doing so.

As a none smoker, all this smoking bollocks really annoys me anyway. If you don't die of bloody lung cancer you can quite easily get any other form of cancer, you could have a heart attack, blood clots etc. Any number of things - we're all going to go at some point you know. And not smoking doesn't neccessarily mean you live longer, at all. In fact, all but one of the younger deaths I've known has been a none smoker. My brother died last year at 28 of severe pneumonia and a blood clot. They also found he has type 2 diabetes and something seriously wrong with his colon whilst he was in intensive care fighting this illness. He never smoked, was quite active, ate reasonably well. He might as well have had a bloody cigarette, several takeaways, and lots of nights out on the town. It certainly wouldn't have made his situation any worse would it - only difference if we'd have had something to blame for him dying. That is all.

Actually, she's not thinking of herself at all, which is the problem.

Poor woman

kissangel the point is that the operation is generally only life saving if you give up smoking. If you go on smoking then chances are you will die anyway. So it is a very legitimate question (the same question is asked of alcoholics getting liver transplants).

OP I have total sympathy with you. My dh is a smoker, and when he starts to get ill from it I have no intention of being sympathetic. Yes he is an addict, but essentially he smokes because he wants to. He has just started to get a smokers cough and his mother died at 50, so it's not that unlikely that it will shorten his life. It is really really shitty to have to watch and he knows damn well how much it upsets me and our children.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, at all.

YANBU in my opinion. I have a family full of people with mental health issues and addictions not just smoking. My own mother who is relatively young and has suffered heart attacks and strokes ect due to poor health and yet continues to smoke. It's not quiet as simple as her being selfish, there is a lot of background to it but yeah I get very frustrated. It hurts me to see her unwell or unhappy because she's my mother and I love her. Just like the rest of my family but they are all self destructive and I find it difficult to maintain relationships with them.

It's all well and good to say be compassionate but how much can one person take. I get called selfish by my family because I keep them at arms length because as I said it hurts me to see them unwell and hurt and I can't help them. I can't spend my life feeling guilty and hurt for the way they choose to continue to run their lives. There is help out there and there is only so much I can see it from their point of view.

It's a no win but I think you are entitled to feel how you feel, as you've said you wouldn't dream of saying anything to MIL and what you said to DH was a slip up, you're human! No ones perfect, give yourself a break and have a whinge to someone who's outside the family like MN to vent your frustrations.

YABU, you are certainly lacking in any compassion for your MIL

she needs your help/encouragement, not your thinly disguised sympathy

YANBU. Until you have had to live with a family member who has an addiction you'll never really understand the frustration when they simply won't stop even though it is damaging their health and possibly killing them. My father is an alcoholic, who is in complete denial about his situation. He even had a warning from his GP that he would be dead within 6 weeks from liver failure if he didn't stop. He did, briefly, but then started again. He refuses all offers of help from us, but at the same time tells his friends that we haven't offered to help him - you just can't win.

I've had to accept that he is the way he is. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Scary for her and her family.

Think you should suck it up and be nice.

YANBU, it must be terrible for all of you and you are entitled to your feelings. Your slip to your husband is understandable but I'm sure you'll be more careful in future. :( for you all.

My dad started smoking aged 11. When I was a little girl, I told my mum I was scared he was going to die. He quit smoking, there and then. His addiction was so bad, he was hallucinating when he quit. But he did it - because he had a child who was worried for him. His love for me was greater than his addiction. And this is what it comes down to - does your mil love her family enough to try and do the right thing by them?

Now I know my dad is a strong person, and not everybody is. But at the very least your mil should be taking her medication. I think she is selfish and I wouldn't disguise that viewpoint from her. The person I feel sorry for is your dh, who has to sit back and watch this, powerless to stop it.

Maybe she is weak and truly cannot give up smoking - but she could try, and she definitely could take her other medicine.

I wouldn't say anything to my husband - he wouldn't need it rubbed in, but I'd be thinking the same as you and my mil would get no sympathy from me.

Someone said up thread that your fil must be buying her cigarettes. if he is, then he's enabling her to continue smoking and he should stop.

I agree with bogeyface.

Who says that just because you have a smoking induced illness that you will automatically really want to stop?

Do you expect a diabetic to never want to eat fudge?

I managed to give up smoking really easily when I found out I was pregnant. It really was easy, I just stopped and didn't think about it again. Until after I had had ds2 and was out with other people who smoked, then I started again. Now, I don't want to give up, and the giving up seems like a really really hard thing to do. It would take a lot of determination that I simply don't have. I like smoking. And as I eat healthily, excercise and am generally very fit, I refuse to feel guilty about smoking when there are plenty of overweight, unfit parents that continue to regularly eat chips and cake who would never have their love for their children quesioned because of their unhealthy habits.

It annoys me that smokers are fair game to have a go at for their 'selfish' behaviour, when apparantly someone who overeats and is lazy when it comes to excercise deserves understanding and compassion because of their chosen bad habits.

It is perfectly possible to love someone dearly and still be fucking angry with them. I know I have felt this way in the past.

But Slave, if it was your life or cigarettes (as in the OP's MIL's case) which would you choose? I loved smoking, as did DH. I know if I started smoking again now I would fall in love all over again. But my life, and DD is more important.

Here's a thought, if she's too poorly to get to the bathroom alone, surely she is too poorly to go to the shops to get fags. You FIL needs to stops bringing her cigarettes in bed.

It's unbeleivabley tough, but doctors say my nan (who died last year) almost certainly lost a few precious years because my grandfather enabled her to smoke dying each stroke recovery. And for that reason she never truly recovered from each stroke, despite doctors saying she would if she stopped smoking. She was 60. Grandad now feels guilty everyday that if he had not given her cigarettes, she might still be here.

Yes the OP sounds like she lacks compassion, but caring for someone is bloody hard work. And making your carers lives even harder is very very selfish in my opinion.