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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about this letter?

61 replies

EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 14:59

I got through today a letter from a solicitors in regards to a divorce, which i have no problems with but also custody of our son. He was abusive and now has the guts to divorce me and try to get custody of my son. I HAVE seeked legal representation and have an appointment to see a solicitor on 4th Januiary which was the soonest they could get me in, but i am really angry. Also, he's divorcing me! I cant wait to get him out of my life though, so wont be contesting against the divorce. It does upset me a little though, as i really did think at the time i married him that he was "the one". x

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:03

Was he abusive to you both and was it ever documented etc Sad

I'm sorry OP you are really going through it ATM hug

You might get better advice re the legal side in legal Sad

TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:05

YANBU to be angry about the letter, particularly as you now have to stew over the Christmas period until you can see a solicitor. If he was abusive to you it would be highly unlikely for a judge to award custody to DS over you. Try to enjoy the Christmas break and you can start 2012 by getting rid of DH.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:07

What is he citing as reasons for divorce? What an arse Angry

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:09

Only abusive to me and it was documented once by the police and they took no further action. It does feel really hard at the moment. I was going to wait to divorce until after i had sorted out somewhere to live and all the benefits.

I have got a solicitor but have to wait until january 4th to speak properly to someone. I phoned citizens advice, and they advised that they could provide a list of solicitors that take legal aid cases. But i went online and found my own, it saves quite a walk tomorrow, and i have plans, and really wanted to get it sorted out asap. x

OP posts:
Laquitar · 21/12/2011 15:09

Aw endings always hurt even when you end something bad. It feels weird. I've been there. But at the next stage you will feel so glad that you ve done it.

I don't know about the legal side re your son but others might do.

Good luck and stay strong x

oldmerryolesoul · 21/12/2011 15:12

Well he knew you would get the letter just before Christmas didnt he ? Just another nail in the 'he's an arse' coffin. I reckon the timing of the letter was to wind you up..... try not to let it

TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:14

Ellen are you annoyed that he is divorcing you because he got in there first and you feel you are the aggrieved party who should be divorcing him? I am sure you are able to counter sue him or something anyway so you should still be able to cite his unreasonable behaviour. Obviously your lawyer will be able to advise you best. Good luck with it all.

kelly2000 · 21/12/2011 15:15

It is unlikely that the courts would choose the father who has been reported to the police for violence over the mother especially as the father is divorcing the mother. However he is still in all probability going to have visitation rights. You could always try spekaing to some womens charities and DV charities to see if they could give advice.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:16

I am not going to let it wind me up or spoil our christmas. He has even got the fucking (sorry pardon my language) nerve to ask me on facebook to send him pictures of our sons christmas! I was alright about getting that, i sort of understood, though still wanted nothing to do with him that he wanted pictures of the christmas, but when i got this letter through i though he was just taking the piss right out of me. I am sure he will not be having my son in his care until after something has been done legally so it is all done correctly.

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:19

I think he has the cheek to be all nicey nicey on facebook yesterday, when he must just have gone to the solicitors to get a divorce, HOW 2 FACED can you get!!! I dont care who divorces who, just the quicker the better really.

Does anyone know what i can do regards of contact, only i never want to see him again. EVER. Its how i have been feeling since leaving so that is not just anger!

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:20

Just be careful not to be too obstructive to him as he may try and use it against you in the divorce proceedings.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:21

Unfortunately as you have a son together you are going to have to see each other on occasion. It is down to the court/mediation to decide how that visitation takes place.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:22

And also did you speak to sol re legal aid with you still getting your benefits
Sorted etc? I should imagine you would qualify

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:24

Can i not arrange to leave him at play group and the he picks him up there one day has him for x amount of days, 1 day 2 nights etc, and he drops him back off there? Surely there will be something i can do to prevent me from having to have contact with him. I am not going to be obstructive. I am going to allow contact to him, just he will only be having contact with his son which he has a legal right to but hopefully i can find a way so that he doesnt have to have any contact with me. I was hoping i would be able to prevent him contacting me at all, but seems unlikely!

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:27

They have said to just bring all paperwork i have with me and yes i am entitled to legal aid, being on income based employment and support allowance. I have a legal representative regards of my current housing situation and she went through the process with me as to whether i would qualify for legal aid and told me i did so luckily i knew all about it.

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:27

I should imagine with him being abusive they won't make you see him so if he did get contact they would prob use a contact centre or some sort of middle ground. Worth making a note of these questions in a notebook to ask the sol on 4th

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:31

I am already making a note of everything i can think of and will be taking my note book with me. It has all the advice i have been given regards of housing etc in it. Absolutely everything.

This letter also says if i allow the divorce to proceed undefended he will not seek costs against me !!! He is using legal aid, what f***g costs? Sorry still fuming. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR UNDERSTANDING!

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:34

That may well work with the whole playgroup thing but you have a good number of years where there will be occasions where you will have to speak about your son and possibly meet to discuss certain aspects of his upbringing. So you should definitely be able to limit how often you see him but won't be able to rule it out completely.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:35

That will be because he doesn't want you to cite HIS unreasonable behaviour or abuse...

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:41

maybe i'll have to mention his unreasonable behaviour to my solictor

OP posts:
hairytaleofnewyork · 21/12/2011 15:51

Actually yab a bit unreasonable. he does have every right, as the father, to apply for custody, just as you do. However, any court will act in the vest interests of the child.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:54

I am not saying NO to custody just NO TO CONTACT WITH ME, which i feel i ahve every right to be upset he has done this just before christmas, which he knows is always an emotional time as our little girl would have been die boxing day. She would be five this year. I dont want to blank him out of my sons life, just mine, especially with everything being so recent.

OP posts:
hairytaleofnewyork · 21/12/2011 15:55

Also you don't get to "allow" or disallow contact. Your dc is not your property and has a right to a relationship with both parents.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:56

more hugs

As far as tonight goes... Hope you can wind down and get some
Clarity. Have a Wine or [tea] delete as appropriate

Kayano · 21/12/2011 15:56

FFS hairy READ a little!