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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry about this letter?

61 replies

EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 14:59

I got through today a letter from a solicitors in regards to a divorce, which i have no problems with but also custody of our son. He was abusive and now has the guts to divorce me and try to get custody of my son. I HAVE seeked legal representation and have an appointment to see a solicitor on 4th Januiary which was the soonest they could get me in, but i am really angry. Also, he's divorcing me! I cant wait to get him out of my life though, so wont be contesting against the divorce. It does upset me a little though, as i really did think at the time i married him that he was "the one". x

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 21/12/2011 20:51

I'm sorry you are having this extra grief just before Christmas but can I suggest that you cut all contact via Facebook and "unfriend"/ block both your ex and his mother. Only I cannot think of a more unhelpful means of communication than Facebook right now. Also, be aware that if you make unguarded remarks on Facebook in the heat of the moment, they can be used against you too.

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 21/12/2011 21:06

Pandemoniaa advice about removing them from facebook is a very good idea.

Have you spoken to womensaid for advice? They maybe extremely helpful as well.

Original poster

EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 21:54

I havent been in contact with womens aid but maybe i should do. Mum aslo pointed out that to get at me they may well phone social services which will strengthen their custody case and say i am an unfit parent as i had PND, So i thought maybe i could self refer, can i do that? x

OP posts:

sashh · 22/12/2011 03:19

He has timed the letter to upset you.

He has asked for custody to upset you.

A friend had a similar thing so she phoned ex and said he could have the kids knowing full well he didn't want them as he was having too much fun as a newly single man. He backed down - now that is a risk, she knew how he would react but might be worth a letter from the solicitor asking about his proposals for living arangements, education, access to you and grandparents etc.

Put the letter in a drawer that you will not open. Have a glass of wine and enjoy Xmas

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 07:41

Sashhh NO sorry that it very bad advice, she should never get her solitictor or herself to write to him saying she is considering him as the resident parent. Never. Sorry Sash don't mean to be rude but that is playing right into his hands. How can she offer him residency, or make it clear she is considering it then say he is not a fit father and has stabbed her in the leg?

Don't do that OP, it might have worked for one person's friend but it is a high risk strategy that could see you losing residency. Playing mind games isn't the right thing to do when the family courts are threatened.

If you are going to say he is violent and unsafe then all of your actions should reflect that or his solicitor will make mincemeat out of you.

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 22/12/2011 07:45

I would talk to Womens Aid. Have a read of the full link in put in my last post. They will know what's best regarding your situation.

whomovedmychocolate · 22/12/2011 07:53

Oh EllenandBump that's very hard for you. Look divorce does get nasty - it always does, even in the best of circumstances. My ex-DH and I decided to split up but even so it got hard and that was without children involved. His solicitor may be a shithead, and so might he but that doesn't have to effect you. In his head you've had the audacity to reject Mr Wonderful and so clearly you are bonkers. The stories he tells himself make him believe you deserve to suffer. But you'll be shot of him soon and frankly solicitors don't DO anything over christmas and nor do courts so you are missing nowt in not seeing one till January, in fact it's better because your solicitor will not be pissed off with you for making them work the week before christmas whereas HIS solicitor will be fed up of their client and keen to move on.

It will get better. This is your last christmas married to the numpty! :)

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 08:03

Nicely saidwhomovedmychocolate consider it his bestest ever Christmas gift to you. . I got my Decree Nisi on my birthday. It's hard now I can remember each and every solicitors letter landing on my doormat and the sickening feeling I got with each one. I wished at the beginning I had known how it would have worked out as it would have saved me a couple of years of worry. Just chill now, there's nothing that can be done until you see your solicitor, as I and others have said he has no rights to see the child unless you voluntarily agree to it.

He has the right to take you to court but he won't get a hearing until way after Christmas so don't worry, enjoy your Christmas and see what happens in the new year.

Original poster

EllenandBump · 22/12/2011 18:26

Thank you everyone for all your support. It is hard but i have to sort myself out now. Housing isnt helping either, the letter i got through basically says they do not believe that he was ever violent to me. Which has quite annoyed me, that and the fact that the council sent it recorded delivery to the wrong address (54 instead of 13 how do you mess that up!) and there is no 54 in my road, so i got the letter second hand from claire my housing aid legal repressentative, and i have to ask for a review by 06/01/11 and if i had have waited until after christmas i would have had no chance of receiving the letter before that date and respong back to it.

OP posts:

deardear · 22/12/2011 18:46

Best thing to do is to start and write down what happened in your marriage and his attitude towards you and your child and state all occasions of DV.

How much contact has he been having and how long have you been apart - sorry if I have missed these bits.

Wouldn't contact his mum or him at all. He has got solicitors involved and you really don't want a third party sticking their oar in. The play school thing is a good idea and one to suggest when you see solicitor.

He can go for costs even on legal aid - they will just get repaid to the Legal Aid Board.

Try and suggest times for contact working either on a week or fortnight basis. Don't go over him having overnight for more than twice a week though as you could end up with a joint residence order rather than one in your favour.

I would tell playgroup in the meantime that he is not to have access to your child so he can't waltz in and take him.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 22/12/2011 18:56

There is a relationship section, or legal. Perhaps you could get this moved?

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