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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about this letter?

61 replies

EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 14:59

I got through today a letter from a solicitors in regards to a divorce, which i have no problems with but also custody of our son. He was abusive and now has the guts to divorce me and try to get custody of my son. I HAVE seeked legal representation and have an appointment to see a solicitor on 4th Januiary which was the soonest they could get me in, but i am really angry. Also, he's divorcing me! I cant wait to get him out of my life though, so wont be contesting against the divorce. It does upset me a little though, as i really did think at the time i married him that he was "the one". x

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 15:58

What i meant was i wasnt going to prevent it, i will let it happen and not put obstacles in the way. And he will have a relationship with both parents. JUST i dont want a relationship with his father, which i dont feel should affect anything. I know if i see him i will end up an emotional wreck and that is no good for my son or me. x

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 16:01

I would love drink, but cant if i plan to have a glass of wine at christmas cos it could affect my epilepsy meds, and i do not want to start having fits on top of it all!

OP posts:
hairytaleofnewyork · 21/12/2011 16:03

But as a co parent of your little boy, as hard as it is, you really do need to find a way through this! I know it's hard, ideally do. But you made a child together ... Alright contact between you is hard and you are angry with him. But for the sake of your child you need to find a way to deal with the anger. Youve got a lot of years both being parents together, albeit apart. Hopefully the heat of the situation will simmer down.

hairytaleofnewyork · 21/12/2011 16:05

Rem kayano I have read !

Kayano · 21/12/2011 16:08

But SHE doesn't need to see him after he has abused her. Any parenting contact could be done via sols, email, third party etc.

It would be horrible to be forced to see your abuser regardless if you had his kids hairy. I think OP has got a very good head
On her shoulders regarding this as she will allow contact for her DS sake but she should not be forced into a face to face situation on a regular basis.

Sorry about the drink op, I forgot Blush

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 16:09

He stabbed me in the leg! how can i have any sort of relationship with him. I lived in fear of him, and he will NEVER be welcome around my mums where i am staying temporarily. x

OP posts:
betternextlife · 21/12/2011 16:14

If he has been violent towards you you can use a contact centre. If you aare worry your ex will be abusive to your DC you can ask for supervised contact (eg only within the centre) or if you are ok with unspervised contact you can use it as a point to drop off and pick up your DC. This way you do not need to see your ex, and he doesn't need to know your address. see Contact Centre

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 16:14

Its okay, i'll enjoy it more christmas drinks more KAYANO. Thank you ffor your support

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/12/2011 16:15

Also re the sueing for costs and legal aid

totally unrelated random story

I crashed my car (my fault) but the guy sued me for loss of earnings and he was on benefits! He didn't even work and was suing for loss of bloody earnings Hmm

Pissed me right off. He got nowt

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 16:37

Glad he got nothing. Some people really do take the biscuit!! Language is improving, dont normally swear, not generally. it really did wind me up, cost? it cost piss all, thats just so i didnt seek legal advice! I did do law a A level but didnt really cover this but i am NOT stupid!

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 21/12/2011 19:11

Does anyone know what i can do regards of contact, only i never want to see him again. EVER. Its how i have been feeling since leaving so that is not just anger!

I am not going to advice you but I will tell you how it works and then it is for your conscience to decide what you want to do.

You both have equal rights to the child but the child lives with you so he has no automatic right to snatch the child. If he turns up at your home demanding the child you are within your rights to call the police and have him removed.

If you give him contact voluntarily and you turn up at your exes home to demand the child back same applies if you have Joint Parental Responsibility neither of you have any more rights than the other as things stand. If you think he might use the child to hurt you then be careful because he can..

He has no automatic right to see the child as I say he can take you to court for contact or shared cared or even custody as he has threatened where you only get to see the child for a couple of days a week.

Do you want to lose custody of your son and see him every other weekend and once in the week as it normal for the non resident parent? Is he a good parent now? Does he do more than his share now? Does he work? Would the child be put in child care instead of with the other parent? Lots of things to think about.

My ex was abusive as a father and a husband, so I had no choice but to take his court actions and fight them every step of the way. I did not co-operate with voluntary contact because I new in our totally feffed up family courts this would mean that I was didn't see him as a danger, and the contact I had voluntarily given would be used as a starting base and that would mean my child was in danger sooner.

Don't give up any contact until you have had legal advice to discuss your situation. It is extremely difficult, it doesn't work fairly, it doesn't put the needs or the child's safety first but only those of us who have been through it on behalf of decent mums and dads know this.

Don't give any contact until you have had legal advice. This is critical. Don't expect the system to be fair because it's not. Don't expect the system to put your child first, because it wont.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 19:18

I wasnt going to give him contact. HIS MUM facebooked me a message saying about having my son for a couple of days on january 2nd. I have told her that i need legal advice first and my solicitors appointment in january 4th (which is honest) and i have doctors on 5th (also true) which have already been booked before her message an hour ago. I booked the soliciotrs this afternoon adn doctors yesterday and i dont see why i should change my plans for her. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE!

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 21/12/2011 19:19

better did you know that if you use a contact centre and someone who has stabbed the child's mother only has to attend for normally six months or less, without being abusive to the child can then be deemed fit to have unsupervised contact? My ex was abusive to both of us, he only had to get through a few months of supervised contact before it would go unsupervised.

Thankfully he couldn't manage it but many can. Supervised seems sensible it really does and it should be, but our family courts are so messed up that to offer supervised only means you are shortening the time before they get unsupervised and to be honest if the father can stab the mother of a baby, he doesn't deserve to be trusted. the violent piece of crap

Legal advice OP and don't give any contact until you have been proper legal advice, until then no contact and if that is January tough shet on the man who stabbed you OP.

sitandnatter · 21/12/2011 19:22

Tell his mum no way it has to go through solicitors first as that is her son's choice. If she hands the child to him, you could end up having to go to court to get the child back. Don't risk it. As the MIL to your home to see the child without her son.

You are strong and wise OP, keep it up.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 19:24

she was asking on behalf of her son, which is why i told her i needed legal advice first. She tried getting custody of her grandaughter but lost the battle so she knows the system, and i am learning a bit more about it thanks to you mumsnetters and i can thankyou all enough. x

OP posts:
Teaandchristmascakeplease · 21/12/2011 19:45

When I petitioned my ExH for a divorce the standard petition and covering letter to him were extremely confrontational. The solicitors I used didn't just specialise in family law and I felt that because the aim of the firm in other areas was often to act aggressively to maximise trhe clients financial benefit, that fed into how they acted in divorce but it was the only one offering legal aid at the time. family law is totally different from litigation as the aims and objectives are fundamentally different. I actually re-worded it and amended the petition as I wasn't comfortable at all with the wording and found it unnecessary and inflammatory.

So try and bare in mind that it maybe a fairly standard document sent to you and he may have arranged it all weeks ago. It can take time for them to get things in the post.

What sort of housing are you living in? As he may try to argue that due to your living arrangements it maybe more suitable for him to have custody. So that is something to bare in mind. However due to his history I suspect he will not get custody at all. You sound very wise.

Just a few thoughts; Is your lawyer a family specialist lawyer with a conciliatory approach and resolution accredited if possible? Ask him/ her at the meeting what percentage of cases settle before final hearing (should be over 90%), ask what their approach to mediation is, and consider seeing more than one solicitor before deciding and see if you could work well with this solicitor.

I'm full of cold, so I hope this makes sense.

sitandnatter · 21/12/2011 19:54

Be careful Ellenandbump they know the system, you need to know it too and you need to know what you want to be the end resuit and how to achieve it. Wrong i know but the system stinks, it doesn't out children's safety first, I've seen that over and over.

If she has tried for custody of another grandchild don't trust her as far as you can spit.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 20:13

i wont trust her, ever nor will i him. The system does stink. His lving arrangements are hardly perfect, he is absolutley useless with money and there has been a number of occasions without gas and elevtricity and he is in a lot of debt, which i can prove as gas and electric were in my name and they were pre payment meters. x

OP posts:
hairytaleofnewyork · 21/12/2011 20:16

He stabbed you in the leg (that is gbh) and the police took no action? Shock

Did you press charges? Are there medical and police records? This would all help in terms of contact centre, surely?

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 20:22

I didnt go to the polcie after he stabbed me, partly cos i was stupid, but mainly fear, if i tried to leave he would actually kill me!

I did notify the polcie of the final attack which as only strangling and hair pulling and name calling etc.But didnt notify them of previous attack which there were many.

I didnt want to press charges just get an incident number and move on with my life. I do still have a scar from the stab wound, from a vegetable knife, but i dont think that would hold much weight. x

OP posts:
Rudolfsgottarednose · 21/12/2011 20:23

You need to have the violence recorded.

Is there a possibility that you may need hospital treatment because of your epilepsy? Unless it is documented as DV there is nothing to stop your ex gaining residency if you need to be hospilised. Your mum will not have the right over your ex to mind your son until you return. You may then find yourself fighting a residecy battle.

If you have any suspicions that he could repeat the pattern of DV in another relationship then you need to show that you can safeguard your son, now and in the future.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 20:24

How long ago did you split up and what contact has he had with his son since?

Rudolfsgottarednose · 21/12/2011 20:25

If there is a child present at the time of a DV incident, it is supposed to be noted, but tbh, the police often don't.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 20:33

My epilepsy has been stable for the last 4 years but i still twitch (like msiucle spasms) during the night all night, hence not safe to sleep with son etc, i was advised against it. But i was never hospitalised for it. My husband never bothered to phone an ambulance. So never was an in patient so to speak but did go to the hospital to see a specialist after mentioning these fits tomy doctor and it was then i was diagnosed. Thank fully my epilepsy is okay. He has had NO contact with our son since. The police didnt note that my son was present at the time, but i did get an incident report number., Think they couldnt really be bothered because i spoke to the met but it hah happened in northampton so they had to talk to northampton etc etc

OP posts:
Rudolfsgottarednose · 21/12/2011 20:43

Sadly the police are still lacking when it comes to DV and it's accurate recording.

It doesn't matter if you cannot prove what happened, just have it noted and keep records of all contact from now on.