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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with being the driver?

55 replies

Lifeissweet · 21/12/2011 10:29

My DP doesn't drive. Since we got together, he has promised to do his test, but has never 'got round to it'. Now he has announced that he's not going to do it after all because he hates driving - it has become nearly a phobia for him.

Obviously that is fine and his decision. However, we have 2 DS's between us (one each) and another DC on the way in about 4 weeks. His DS lives on the other side of the city with his mother and, at the moment, I am ferrying him the 40 minuted journey backwards and forwards whenever he comes to stay with us. DP also stays there once a week, so I have to drop him off and pick him up (public transport really is a nightmare to get over there- 3 buses).

Today, he is coming back from seeing his DS and has just called for a lift. I'm feeling heavy and tired and have a stinking cold. This is the first day for weeks when my DS has been with his Dad and I am really enjoying doing not very much but browsing for baby stuff online. I don't want to get dressed and haul my fat, swollen tummy out in the cold. I am sick of being a taxi driver, to be honest. Do I just have to accept that this is how it is? (we can't move nearer his DS, btw)

I am dreading having a baby to get sorted and dragged across town all the time too. How is this going to work?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 10:32

It wont kill him to get on buses. It is early in the day, not late at night, let him make his own way home.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 10:33

Even if public transport is a nightmare, he has decided not to drive therefore he will have to get the bus!

He can't rely on you to ferry him all over all the time! Fair enough if you are going out somewhere but
I would be pissed at a call to be picked up like I was a glorified free taxi. bloody cheek

DoesNotGiveAFig · 21/12/2011 10:34

Tell him to accept that buses are the way forward and not to be so fecking selfish taking you for granted like that. Bicycle? Feet? Train? Get over himself?

AKMD · 21/12/2011 10:34

Tell him to get a bus pass. It won't hurt him.

Appuskidu · 21/12/2011 10:43

Tell him to get a bus! What did he do for transport for the last however many years of his life before he met you?!

I would say 'no, I am heavily pregnant and feeling ill'.

zimm · 21/12/2011 10:51

He has a right to choose not to drive. But he does not have a right to lifts. He should get the bus/taxi/train/walk whatever works....

Yulewithadragontattoo · 21/12/2011 10:51

The reason he needs to get the bus is because he refuses to drive. That's not your issue to solve it's his. He'll probably learn to drive pretty quickly if the alternative is erratic public transport. At the moment you're spoiling him - just leave him to it.

I know a couple where this was a source of much friction. The husband eventually learnt to drive in his mid thirties after the birth of their first child after years of putting it off. Turns out he's actually a really good driver...

Also a close family member is married to someone who can't drive for medical reasons. Obviously not his fault at all but it does put an awful lot of pressure on his wife to do all the driving. Put your foot down I say.

Saturdaynightbeaver · 21/12/2011 10:52

I sympathise My DH suffers from driving phobia - this is genuine - he was a brilliant driver until the death of a friend about 5 years ago and this seems to have ben the trigger. He will still drive a bit on small roads, but not A roads or motorways. He has sought help but, not effective. It is terrible for him - he tries to keep it a secret as I think he feels it is not very masculine to have acquired a driving phobia. However, any long journeys that we make he comes with me as a passenger to support me a I'm not particularly keen on motorway driving and he has bought a bike so that he can be independent. Driving phobia is awful. Saying that, if there is public transport, DP should be making an effort to use it when he can or get to the nearest station to your home.

doublechocchip · 21/12/2011 10:54

Definitely nip it in the bud now! My dh used to be a bit like this before he drove as between me, his father and friends there was almost no need for him to drive but like you I got sick of it and booked his theory test as a valentines day present and he'd passed within 3 months. I think perhaps if you stop being a taxi for him and he has to rely on the awfulness that is public transport his 'phobia' may start to improve!

DorisIsMerryOnChristmasSprits · 21/12/2011 10:56

hE NEEDS TO GET THE BUS!

Crabapple99 · 21/12/2011 10:57

Many families haev no car at all, so bus is not an unreasonable option.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 10:58

Tell him no, you won't give him a lift.

I sympathyse with his phobia, my dh has a different phobia that seems to rule our lives at times. But all I can do is support him, I can't take it away and I can't manage it for him. He has to have his own coping strategies. It has taken me a LONG time to realise this.

In your case, a coping strategy would be to use public transport. That way his irrational fear, as real as it is, is not enabled by you. Because if you enable it, you make the fear grow. If he has to suffer the effects of his phobia, he is likely to get pissed of with having to do so eventually and that will give him more strength to conquer his fear.

It's his issue, therefore it has to be his solution.

tulipgrower · 21/12/2011 10:58

Driving is not recommend in the last weeks of pregnancy, and it's not an emergency, so he can take the bus.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 10:59

Lifeissweet, I appreciate that your DP may have a phobia of driving but he really can't expect lifts off you all the time. What if you end up having a C section and are unable to drive for 6 weeks? And presume you are expected to drive yourself to the hospital in labour? Your DP really needs to address this issue and learn to drive. He doesn't have to drive all the time but it will be really beneficial to you to have a back up driver in the case of emergency. I do not have a phobia of driving but I used to be a bit wary. The more you drive the more competent and confident you become. Please sit down with DP and explain why it would be good for you all as a family for him to learn to drive rather than your DP just thinking about his own needs.

Original poster

Lifeissweet · 21/12/2011 11:16

Thank you all. I was feeling a bit U as I thought maybe I am only feeling this way because I'm tired and coldy. I usually don't mind too much and want to help. I certainly don't mind picking up DSS as he is only 2 and it's not his fault his DF can't drive. I also feel like it's not that much to ask for me to give him lifts. It makes his life so much easier and that's what you want for someone you love isn't it?

I think you may be right, though. I have friends on standby for the hospital trip if necessary, but part of me feels that DP should want to do that for me.

I have never pushed him driving because I didn't want to nag and hoped the baby would spur him on to do something, but I really don't want to make him do something that he is so afraid of. Maybe he will have to start being more independent, though.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 21/12/2011 11:19

YANBU at all. I don't blame you, I am 36 weeks pg and would not like to do that. If he does not want to drive than HE has to find alternative transport (bus, taxi, train) to see his son and pay for it himself! Its not fair on you, what would he do if you were not there to do all those things.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 11:21

I don't think you have to push him to do something he is afraid of. I think you just have to allow him to find out in his own time how much his fear is controlling his life.

If his problem never has a negative affect on him, he will never have an incentive to try and change it.

He problebly does want to change for you and the baby, but he will only ever be able to do it for himself anyway. If you have freinds willing to take you to hospital, then even if he is sad that he can't do it, accepting that he can't do it will be easier for him than doing the thing that scares him. Especially as doing the thing that scares him will take a lot of time and courage, whereas the thing that just makes him feel a bit sad and dissapointed in himself will be over with within a day and will be diluted by the joy of a new baby anyway.

Iggly · 21/12/2011 11:23

Has he ever driven? How can he have a phobia if he's not tried?

I speak as someone who only passed my test in February. I had a few lessons then built it up in my head that I didn't want to learn. Then convinced myself I didn't need to - but was actually a bit scared. In the end dh got me a couple of lessons for my birthday and it was the kick I needed. I had a fab instructor and passed in 7 months first time.

I'd be having serious words with him - what happens if you need a c-section and cant drive for weeks?!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/12/2011 11:24

I've found often that some (not all) non drivers have a sense of entitlement about people giving them lifts, and it seems like your DH is like this.

he has chosen not to drive, so therefore he needs to be prepared to use public transport. I would tell him to get the bus home!

Pootles2010 · 21/12/2011 12:42

Does he help pay for the car/petrol?

Rhubarbgarden · 21/12/2011 12:52

It's important you stop being a taxi service for him. I was in this position with an ex years ago and the resentment ate away at me because I felt mean refusing to ferry him around when I was able to, and he had that sense of entitlement that another poster described. In the end it contributed to the breakdown of our relationship - his attitude about it stank, quite frankly. You have the perfect excuse being heavily pregnant to put a stop to this now. He is being very selfish and needs to learn to make the best of public transport if he is determined not to drive. He may change his tune after hanging around cold bus stops for a while.

HoHoOpotomus · 21/12/2011 14:16

He is making choices here - you can make choices too!
He can choose to take public transport (or walk).
You can choose NOT to be his taxi driver (or do it and be pissed off).

He will never get his licence as things stand as he doesn't have to. Will he be expecting you to bundle up wee baby also to ferry him around? Start saying NO, and mean it. Hopefullly he will have a rethink re driving himself.

It will only get worse - a friend of mine is driving her family 2 days to get to her family for Xmas, and then drive back too. They have 2 kids, her DP doesn't drive so she is having to do 100% of the driving (while still BF - just mention this as it can make you extra tired). Nightmare.

Pootles2010 · 21/12/2011 15:10

Whilst i don't think non-drivers should expect other drivers to ferry them about (I live somewhere I don't particularly want to because i need to be on a bus route, so am pretty independent) please don't just dismiss people's phobias regarding driving as them 'choosing' not to drive.

I am now very slowly learning to drive, but I find it horrific, I've put it off for years, and don't think I will ever be a happy driver, iyswim. It really is awful, and I'd love to be able to enjoy driving, but that's the point of phobias - you can't help them, and they are illogical.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 15:31

Personally, I would never dismiss a persons phobia, but I do think phobias can be dealt with, they can be improved, and somethimes they can be completely overcome.

There is choice involved Pootles, and if you are learing to drive you are proof of that. While you may never be comfortable driving, you have chosen to try to do your best, in the same way as you could have chosen to do nothing.

Big Well Done for that btw, I do understand that it must be really really difficult.

If a person has a phobia it is up to them to learn to deal with it so that it does not significantly impact on other people. That either means finding a way to avoid having to face the thing that scares you, or it means taking steps to make the phobia less intense.

Therapy is available and can be very effective in dealing with phobias. Just because a person has a phobia does not mean they have a right to allow that to affect other people.

Pootles2010 · 21/12/2011 15:36

Yes but I haven't learnt yet. I get so tense, I weave allover the road (well not allover, but a bit), and it makes me make stupid mistakes. I am genuinely worried I will never pass

It just fucks me off that people get arsey with me about not driving (not when i'm asking them for a lift btw, just generally), when they often have their own things that they think are fine (example being woman at work who refuses to give blood as she's phobic of needles then laughs at me for being scared of driving).

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