Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with being the driver?

55 replies

Lifeissweet · 21/12/2011 10:29

My DP doesn't drive. Since we got together, he has promised to do his test, but has never 'got round to it'. Now he has announced that he's not going to do it after all because he hates driving - it has become nearly a phobia for him.

Obviously that is fine and his decision. However, we have 2 DS's between us (one each) and another DC on the way in about 4 weeks. His DS lives on the other side of the city with his mother and, at the moment, I am ferrying him the 40 minuted journey backwards and forwards whenever he comes to stay with us. DP also stays there once a week, so I have to drop him off and pick him up (public transport really is a nightmare to get over there- 3 buses).

Today, he is coming back from seeing his DS and has just called for a lift. I'm feeling heavy and tired and have a stinking cold. This is the first day for weeks when my DS has been with his Dad and I am really enjoying doing not very much but browsing for baby stuff online. I don't want to get dressed and haul my fat, swollen tummy out in the cold. I am sick of being a taxi driver, to be honest. Do I just have to accept that this is how it is? (we can't move nearer his DS, btw)

I am dreading having a baby to get sorted and dragged across town all the time too. How is this going to work?

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/12/2011 15:52

How long have you been together?

My family have to get 3 buses to come and see me. It's not ideal but they chose to not learn to drive so that's what they have to do. I sometimes give them a lift home if it's convenient but I have my own life to lead and am not a taxi driver.

It takes a big chunk out of your day driving other people around. On Christmas day they won't be able to get the bus so I will spend around 2 hours in the car when I'd much rather be at home with my kids!

whitesquirrelswill · 21/12/2011 15:55

YANBU. You just need to refuse and he will have to learn to manage with the buses. Or he will just have to make changes to his lifestyle to enable him to not drive (e.g. move closer - why can't you do this?, or to an area with better public transport connections, or just visit his DS near his house and only take him out locally there).

I have never driven, for various reasons, but I've never had any sense of entitlement about getting lifts. I made sure I lived in an area with excellent public transport (five mins to a zone 1 tube, it's far cheaper and quicker than having a car), have a railcard so it's cheap to go by train and I'll use a taxi if there's no other option. I've managed to cope this way as a LP for over a decade so surely your DH can!

But if you are really annoyed with being the only driver, and he doesn't/can't drive (and I don't think it's reasonable to force him), then you might have to agree to moving somewhere where public transport is reasonable. I think three buses is pretty awful for a regular journey, especially if it's a return trip.

SebastionTheCrab · 21/12/2011 16:08

Doing the journey twice a week must be a pain. Is a compromise possible where you'll do the journey to pick his DS up but your DH has to get the bus for the mid-week visit?

GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/12/2011 16:13

Do you not mind your DP staying at his exs house overnight? Not saying you should, just wondered.

notveryinventive · 21/12/2011 16:20

YANBU (whoops nearly left the N out there)

I am the only driver too and it really bothers me especially when the weather isnt particularly nice (ie icey or snowy) cos I feel that if we have to go somewhere I HAVE to suck it up and drive when Id rather not. DH doesnt understand its not nice to drive in some weathers as he doesnt know what its like.

Also I hate food shopping, but I have to go so we can get it in the car (Not a fan of internet shopping either as I perfer to pick my own bananas, etc)

Having said all that if DH wants a lift somewhere and I dont want to he will get the bus if he had to.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/12/2011 16:57

notveryinventive I know what you mean about picking your own bananas. I do all my other shopping on the internet, tins, bread, frozen etc and then pop out for all the fresh stuff as I need it. Shorter shopping trips and saves me money as I can plan meals better.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 17:09

Pootles, the point is that you are trying. I think the fact that you are giving it a go is what makes all the difference. Even if you don't pass (which I wish you lots of luck with and I hope you do!) you have still made the effort. And you have already said you don't expect lifts everywhere, but the OP's DH does expect lifts and hasn't made any effort.

I understand what you mean about people having double standards though.

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2011 17:32

Yanbu

I really don't think I could be with someone who didn't drive.

It would irritate me beyond belief.

forehead · 21/12/2011 20:03

Agree with Santa, i would be pissed off if my dh didn't drive or refused to drive as it would make my life much more difficult.
OP,your dh should get the bus.

frenchisbest · 21/12/2011 22:35

My partner cant drive as he cant see very well, we have 2 children under 2 and like you a step daugter who live miles aways.. I will drop to or pick him up from the station if it is not too late or too early (ie the kids in bed...) or not too cold for the little one and especially not when i was heavily pregnant.. The thing is he doesn't expect me to pick him up or driving him anywhere unless i offer, you are doing him a favour because you love him but you are not his personal driver.. And will he expect you to take the new baby with you everywhere too when he /she hungry, tired...??

scarletforya · 21/12/2011 23:07

You're enabling him and babying him and making him dependant. He's making a mug of you to be honest. You sound very nice but he's taking advantage.

The more you ferry him around the less he will bother to learn. If he has a 'phobia' (which I seriously doubt, just to convenient an excuse) well then, that's his tough shit. He has to get the bus. It's not your problem.

You need to start as you mean to go on. If he realises he can manipulate you into doing things for him, driving will only be the start of it. You'll end up parenting him and believe me that gets old really fast.

Time for a bit of tough love OP!

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 21/12/2011 23:26

Phobias can't always be seen off that easily, sadly.
But as others have said, that doesn't mean you have to be his chauffeur. His phobia should inconvenience him, not you.

skybluepearl · 21/12/2011 23:29

I'd let him catch the bus or pay a taxi sometimes just to relieve you. Maybe explain that to him. He as a driving phobia yes but you are exhausted and your needs matter just as much.

SebastionTheCrab · 21/12/2011 23:36

scarlet what makes you think he is pretending to have a phobia? Honestly, how is he going to benefit from that?
Phobias (including driving phobias) are very very real.
I still don't think OP needs to drive him all the time but you really can't dismiss his fears as being a convenient excuse. That's not fair.

startail · 21/12/2011 23:40

Bus, my DFs decided that with troublesome contacts lenses and no coordination that learning to drive was a waste of money. She is an expert at walking, buses and trains. She made sure she bought a pram that would do public transport too!

FabbyChic · 21/12/2011 23:44

He is a grown man, you are not a cab service, also what about the cost and wear and tear on your car? Does he contribute to petrol? running costs?

Sorry but he has to be self sufficient, not be a drain.

justabigdisco · 21/12/2011 23:46

driving is not recommended in the last few weeks of pregnancy? since when?

FabbyChic · 22/12/2011 00:00

A driving phobia yeah sure he does, he has a cost of driving phobia.

SebastionTheCrab · 22/12/2011 00:03

Did the OP mention costs FabbyChic ? What made you come to that opinion?

TheNewMrsC · 22/12/2011 00:07

Are you me ????? Apart from we only have one dc I could have wrote thus !!!Grin

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/12/2011 00:28

Glue, can I just ask why you're driving your family back home on Christmas night. I'd hate to do that. Why can't they catch a taxi? That's what most people would do, unless they have a great sense of entitlement or do lots of other favours for someone.

Agree, OP, your OH does have to learn. DH and I split the driving everywhere. Sometimes I go out and get the DC late at night, sometimes he does. Sometimes he drives back from places, sometimes I do. We share the driving on holiday, too. When I was pregnant, obviously I did all the driving back from places/restaurants, etc as I couldn't drink. I did get fed up with it and couldn't wait until I could relax and let someone else drive back from parties or weekends away.

Unless there is a very good reason I think everyone should learn to drive as early as possible.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 22/12/2011 08:57

IloveJudgeJudy Doesn't it cost a fortune to get a taxi on Christmas day? I have heard it does and they are poor.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 22/12/2011 08:58

IloveJudgeJudy Unless there is a very good reason I think everyone should learn to drive as early as possible.

I don't agree with that. They are enough cars on the road! They are not compulsory!

lady007pink · 22/12/2011 09:04

I could have decided to have a phobia about driving when I moved to the country, but I was going to have a very lonely existence if I didn't get up off my arse and do something about it. I an a very nervous driver, but I just get on with it and it gets easier the more challenges I do and succeed at.
He just has it too easy, having lifts on tap. STOP GIVING HIM THE LIFTS, if public transport really is that much of a nightmare you'll find his "phobia" will disappear miraculously!

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 09:55

For me, it would be more than the fact I was having to act as a taxi driver in my spare time (and I would resent that as you do, OP.)

I would actually lose respect for a man who wasn't independent and relied on me to ferry him around. I would feel like his mum. I'm not saying all men should drive but I do think all men should want to be independent and to sort out their own travel arrangements. All women too, for that matter.

Swipe left for the next trending thread