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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH being utterly unfair? (sorry bit long)

54 replies

Lambzig · 20/12/2011 10:04

My DH has been working overseas on and off (mostly on) for the last three months. His project finishes today and he is arriving back tonight and is off work until 3rd Jan (UK based then).

We have a DD, 22 months old and I work three days a week (or more). As he has been away, obviously I have looked after DD, including a particularly frightening week where she was in hospital for a few days, followed by daily doctors appointments for a couple of weeks. Luckily she is ok now. I have bought all the Christmas presents for his and my large family, wrapped and posted them, made all the Christmas arrangements and shopping and planning (we have both sets of in-laws to stay for consecutive visits over Christmas/new year and they have to be fed and entertained). I seem to have a permanent and mutating cold/flu/laryngitis. I have missed out on any Christmas socialising as babysitters are thin on the ground/expensive and I am knackered.

DH has a great social life out there (not that I begrudge that as have done lots of travelling myself for work before DD and it can be pretty boring) and doesn?t work particularly long hours and has described this project as a bit of a jolly.

He has been dropping hints that he expects not to do much when he gets back and last night it came to a bit of a head. We had booked lunch out together tomorrow (DD?s last day in nursery and I am not working so only chance to do something just us) and he said that he thinks he will be too tired and wants me to cancel it. He then went on to say that he hopes that I have arranged lots of things for me and DD and guests out the house over Christmas as he plans to do nothing but sleep and play computer games for two weeks. When I suggested that he might have to help out more and DD will want to spend time with him, he said that was my department because he had been away. Normally he is a very equal partner and helps with everything so am a bit shocked and very, very annoyed. Feel like his flipping housekeeper.

AIBU to think he is being utterly unfair or should I appreciate what he is doing for us (his view)?

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 20/12/2011 10:06

Utterly unfair. I have a DH who is away a lot, works crazy hours but the moment he's home with split everything. He has to understand that every hour he is away from home is an hour that you are 'on duty'.

zookeeper · 20/12/2011 10:08

He is being very unfair; perhaps he just doesn't realise how knackered you are and how hard it has been for you. Why don't you show him your post? Hope you sort something out with him.

Kayano · 20/12/2011 10:08

I would have it out with him

What a lazy sod

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2011 10:09

I think you two need to have a very long chat...

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 20/12/2011 10:09

YANBU. Feel free to throw a tantrum, hand him the toddler and take over his console. Or drop it.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 20/12/2011 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zookeeper · 20/12/2011 10:15

Grin. Forget my advice to show him your post, OP; show him this thread...

TopazMortmain · 20/12/2011 10:17

He has obviously gone insane... Let him sleep for 24 hours then make it clear that he needs to engage. You're not his nanny / housekeeper / social administrator...

Plus YOU need spoiling.

Snorbs · 20/12/2011 10:18

He then went on to say that he hopes that I have arranged lots of things for me and DD and guests out the house over Christmas as he plans to do nothing but sleep and play computer games for two weeks.

What an utter cock.

StewieGriffinsMom · 20/12/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dustinthewind · 20/12/2011 10:25

'Normally he is a very equal partner and helps with everything so am a bit shocked and very, very annoyed. Feel like his flipping housekeeper.'

You need to make a stand now, have a long and hopefully calm and logical discussion pointing out his role as partner and father isn't a part-time one.
Do it now, because if it becomes an expectation then it will be so much harder to sort out a year or two down the line.
If he's usually equal, fair and loveable, then he needs that to be said, and his wanting to change it questioned.
He may be tired for a day or so and sleep, but then it's up and running as a partner and father 100%.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/12/2011 10:25

What an arse hole!

Tell him what you expect. List everything you have done while he's been away (as you have done here) and how hard it's been for you, and then tell him what you need. For eg that you need him to do his job as a dad so you get a few days to yourself and on the other days he is expected to do at least half of everything, entertaining, cooking, housework, being with his children etc.

If he won't agree to this then tell him that there is no point him coming back if he's not prepared to do his job of a father and a husband.

puzzlesum · 20/12/2011 10:26

he said that was my department because he had been away.

How does that work, then? Is his theory that he's had no 'downtime' whilst he's been away (which can certainly be true for some when working away from home) and so now he needs to decompress over the holiday period? Per-lease. If he has a long, long journey back I would be moderately sympathetic to one decent sleep but after that it's game on - the house, dd, everything becomes his department whilst you take a well-deserved rest, with a chance to recover before Christmas.

Unless, of course, he's going to do all the cooking, entertaining, washing, tidying, and looking after dd whilst you have both of your families over for Christmas, one after the other? In which case I'd give him 48 hours to rest up for that.

Dustinthewind · 20/12/2011 10:27

Why not start off reasonable and puzzled before kicking the shit out of him?
Give him the chance to realise what an arse he's being?
To remember what a fantastic thing having a family at Christmas is, and how it shouldn't be taken for granted?

VikingWenceslas · 20/12/2011 10:28

Baseball bat, games console.

ColdTurkeyRemains · 20/12/2011 10:32

Seriously?

I hope he has some redeeming features.

Bogeyface · 20/12/2011 10:34

If I may edit vikings post

Baseball bat, games console, testicles

Original poster
Lambzig · 20/12/2011 10:35

Thank you for saying he is being unreasonable, as around 3am this morning I was wondering if I was being unfair and a bit precious (as I know some people cope on their own permanently very well) now feel that I can tackle it better.

I think he has got a bit spoiled as over there he has an apartment with a maid and a cook and has obviously got used to it Xmas Grin

We have been together for 12 years and prior to this project (which he has hated doing as he is a homebody and simply refused point blank to travel away from home for the first year of DD life and has moaned about this trip constantly, in tears when he has to go back) I could not have asked for a more equal and involved partner - he has just descended into complete knobdom over this and you are right, I should just tell him a very mumsnet 'that wont be possible' when he outlines his lazing plans.

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 20/12/2011 10:35

Talk first.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/12/2011 10:35

What an arse. I would be putting him straight on a few things.

pinkyp · 20/12/2011 10:36

Yanbu

Original poster
Lambzig · 20/12/2011 10:37

Coldturkey Bogeyface, smashing the Wii/Playstation/Xbox with a hammer has been a long cherished fantasy of mine!

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/12/2011 10:37

So he's in an apartment being waiting on hand and foot, no doubt too going out for nice meals AND getting a full nights sleep every night as well as relaxation time after work and he says that YOU should be doing everything over Christmas whilst he sits about on his lazy arse?

captainbarnacle · 20/12/2011 10:38

He's behaving like a child. You're not his mother. OH works abroad permanently. Yes, I give him a day or two of rest, but then he takes the boys out of the house for a few hours a day, gives me a bit of space for myself. Your DH needs to grow up. Omputer games ffs.

SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2011 10:40

Yanbu

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