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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH being utterly unfair? (sorry bit long)

54 replies

Lambzig · 20/12/2011 10:04

My DH has been working overseas on and off (mostly on) for the last three months. His project finishes today and he is arriving back tonight and is off work until 3rd Jan (UK based then).

We have a DD, 22 months old and I work three days a week (or more). As he has been away, obviously I have looked after DD, including a particularly frightening week where she was in hospital for a few days, followed by daily doctors appointments for a couple of weeks. Luckily she is ok now. I have bought all the Christmas presents for his and my large family, wrapped and posted them, made all the Christmas arrangements and shopping and planning (we have both sets of in-laws to stay for consecutive visits over Christmas/new year and they have to be fed and entertained). I seem to have a permanent and mutating cold/flu/laryngitis. I have missed out on any Christmas socialising as babysitters are thin on the ground/expensive and I am knackered.

DH has a great social life out there (not that I begrudge that as have done lots of travelling myself for work before DD and it can be pretty boring) and doesn?t work particularly long hours and has described this project as a bit of a jolly.

He has been dropping hints that he expects not to do much when he gets back and last night it came to a bit of a head. We had booked lunch out together tomorrow (DD?s last day in nursery and I am not working so only chance to do something just us) and he said that he thinks he will be too tired and wants me to cancel it. He then went on to say that he hopes that I have arranged lots of things for me and DD and guests out the house over Christmas as he plans to do nothing but sleep and play computer games for two weeks. When I suggested that he might have to help out more and DD will want to spend time with him, he said that was my department because he had been away. Normally he is a very equal partner and helps with everything so am a bit shocked and very, very annoyed. Feel like his flipping housekeeper.

AIBU to think he is being utterly unfair or should I appreciate what he is doing for us (his view)?

OP posts:
samandi · 20/12/2011 10:43

Well he sounds like a barrel of laughs ....

Of course YANBU. I would be furious if DP told me he expected me to entertain our kid and everyone else outside the home while he dossed around by himself. Can't see what the point of a relationship like that is really.

ohanotherone · 20/12/2011 10:44

You aren't his maid/housekeeper/slave......

My husband comes home after doing 60 hour weeks and puts the bins out!

Twat! (yours)

PattySimcox · 20/12/2011 10:47

HIBVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

OneHandFlapping · 20/12/2011 10:52

"he has an apartment with a maid and a cook..."

You need to sort him out,or guess which role you're going to be playing for the next 20 years.

Original poster
Lambzig · 20/12/2011 10:55

Thank you. Am going to ring DH before he gets on the plane and have a chat, so it gives us both time before he gets back.

OP posts:
DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 20/12/2011 11:20

He might just be thick imagining you have done nothing for the last few months but swan about going for coffee with other mums and doing a little light laundry between spa appointments.

You need to set him straight, gently but very firmly, and then tell him mutually agree how you are going to pick up equal shares of holiday chores so you both get a rest over the break.

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 20/12/2011 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acanthus · 20/12/2011 11:26

Have you made clear how tough the last few weeks have been when you have spoken on the phone, or have you been stoic and unwilling to complain? Clearly communication has not been fab between you recently.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 20/12/2011 11:37

OP - Acanthus has a point. My DP travels a lot on business, and I find it much harder to talk about anything contentious or annoying when we catch up by phone. When you've only got 10 minutes at an odd time of day due to time zone differences it's often much easier just to say 'everything's fine' rather than explain exactly how frustrating something or other is.

If you're anything liek me you might have accidentally given your DH the impression that life has been much smoother over the last few months than it has been, so he's imagining your life to have been much less stressful than it actually was.

lazarusinNazareth · 20/12/2011 12:01

I think I would question that he didn't want to spend time with me and the dcs tbh. Agree that the first day or so he should have some 'vegging' time but after that, he is a husband and a father.

CailinDana · 20/12/2011 12:27

If he thinks you've had such an easy time of it then he should be able to do your job no bother. Tell him you're letting him live your life for a couple of days, as he considers it so relaxing and feck off to your mum's or a spa or something.

I don't get why some men reckon women at home have such an easy life, yet when they're faced with doing exactly the same job they freak out Confused

Original poster
Lambzig · 20/12/2011 12:52

Have left him a voicemail to call me before he flies, but expect he is travelling to the airport. I am definitely not the stoic type, but trying not to whinge every time he calls as he is a 'fixer' and would get frustrated that he cant do anything about it. I probably played down the whole hospital thing as he couldnt come home (although obviously would have if it was serious) and was really upset about being away and didnt want to make him feel worse.

Am going to say that I can understand about not wanting to go for lunch (although was looking forward to actually going out the house for fun without a baby - we last went out just us in August), and he can have a lazy wednesday, but after that he has to come with me to take DD to see santa and to my sisters on Thursday (his nephews are desparate to see him) and that I am going to have a lazy Friday.

OP posts:
andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 20/12/2011 12:58

You've been nursing a very poorly little girl, that alone is exhausting - when's your chance to recover? Angry

kelly2000 · 20/12/2011 12:59

Take his families stuff back, and do not organise anything for them, and telephone and cancel them coming over explaining that Dp says he does not want to do anything but sleep and play computer games, and as you are ill, working, recovering from DD hospitalization etc you cannot do everything for his family too. Or you could tell him to save him hassle, you and DC are going to have chirstmas with your fmaily, so he can get sleep and play on his computer in peace. he is being a complete arse demanding you now become his maid of all work. If he was single what would he do about his family at Christmas?

ChunkyPickle · 20/12/2011 13:04

You need to have a firm word, but without being aggressive as I find that counter-productive.

I sometimes have the same issue (although just weekends these days, not whole weeks/months) and I find that catching him, and calmly pointing out that I haven't had any time alone all week, and that he needs to step up and be the primary carer for our son for at least one day at the weekend works.

Yelling, acting annoyed, bodily presenting the child to him etc. don't work as well as he gets angry too, but clearly and reasonably telling him seems to kick his brain into gear (he knows how demanding it is to look after a child all day, as when I'm working that's what he does)

zipzap · 20/12/2011 13:58

I would just parrot back to him what you expect to do once he's back - why should he be the only one that gets to make fantasy stAtements like that?

So 'well I hope that once you've recovered from your jetlag on day 1 that you're ready to hit the ground running because I'm exhausted by doing everything [insert lots of details!] and you've had a lovely relaxing time away, just a little bit of work and then all pampered, maid, cook etc. God, I wish I had an easy life like that sometimes, especially as when you're away there's no respite, it's 24/7 especially when dd was so ill. I can't wait for the meal together as it's the one thing that's been getting me through the last few weeks, a bit of grown up conversation with my dh and then the chance to collapse and get better while he is here to look after dd, entertain guests, do the cooking, etc etc.'. And carry on like that for several minutes without giving him a chance to interrupt.

And then when he starts to point out how unreasonable you are being, you get to ask why, since he is making exactly the same demands as you except you have obviously had a much tougher time of it while he has while he was away so you deserve lots more time off

Then you hopefully get to laugh about it together, he will see how unreasonable he was being and you then get to share the jobs between you.

You also need to point out that he should take his computer games out with him when he next goes away (or buy one out there) to work, when he has lots of spare time in the evenings with nothing to do given the maid etc do it all for him. Then he will be able to look forward to time with you when he gets back!

Cherriesarelovely · 20/12/2011 14:08

He is being really really U!!! He is also being very childish. He is a parent and as such ought to be taking on more of that responsibility particularly if he doesn't see much of you and DD.

chipmunksex · 20/12/2011 14:12

Nice post zipzap Smile

eurochick · 20/12/2011 14:51

I think letting him have 24-48 hours of downtime to gather himself would be fair (although that doesn't mean cancelling the lunch but him doing anything major) and is probably in your interest too so he can recharge his batteries a little. Not doing anything but playing computer games is deffo not on.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 20/12/2011 15:01

I think you have hit the nail on the head lambzig and was just about to say it myself. He has spent 3 months abroad getting used to be waited on hand and foot, not having any family responsibility and not having to work particularly hard. Maybe he has secretly realised how hard it can be raising a family or maybe he hasn't a clue how hard it has been for you and just wants to carry on with the life he has become accustomed to. You need to get this sorted ASAP as your DH is being very unfair. By all means cancel your lunch together as a compromise but make sure you sit down and have a proper chat. Anyone would think he would love to be involved with his family having been away for 3 months.

zipzap · 20/12/2011 15:28

Why thank you chip :o

Original poster
Lambzig · 21/12/2011 11:37

Thanks for all your advice - it was very good to know that I was not being unreasonable by standing my ground. DH returned my call and started with an apology, saying that he realised he had been a bit of a wanker, just that he was dreading me meeting him at the front door with a long list of chores (which I do secretly have - those bathroom tiles aren't going to regrout themselvesXmas Grin), but that he appreciated he had gone too far the other way. He has also booked me a facial and a massage for friday morning to say sorry and he will take DD out.

He arrived back really late last night, but we had a chat this morning and he seems fairly up for sharing dealing with everything. He played with DD for a couple of hours (so I got to have a long shower with the bathroom door actually shut, oh the luxury) before I took her to nursery. He is now having a snooze and we will see if we still feel like lunch when he gets up, or we can both go and pick her up.

OP posts:
lifechanger · 21/12/2011 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKMD · 21/12/2011 11:47

Excellent but I had such a good suggestion about how your DD inserted toast into the games console so you were super-helpful and sent it off for repair, for it to be returned some time in January :o

KatAndKit · 21/12/2011 11:50

"your department"???? WTF? This is his child too and he has decided she is all your responsibility so that he can spend hours on computer games like an overgrown teenager? Surely he should have been looking forward to spending time with his wife and child? Surely he has been missing you both while he was away? If this is not the case I suggest you tell him to go and play computer games somewhere else.

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