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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my 5 year old that she should send Christmas cards to everyone in her class, not just her friends.

100 replies

corlan · 19/12/2011 20:49

It just goes against the spirit of goodwill to all to exclude people at Christmas. I quoted Tiny Tim's 'God bless us, every one!' and tried to get through to her that it's the season of goodwill to ALL men, but she's not having it!

I work on a team of about 12 people and I send cards to them all even the ones I don't much care for! I probably get cards from about 5 of them but I don't care - it's just a really simple and easy way to spread some cheer.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I being a total muppet?

OP posts:

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/12/2011 09:07

fluffy that is nice.

nulgirl · 20/12/2011 09:10

My dd sent about 10 including 3 teachers - she is such a kiss-ass :). I have no idea all the names of her classmates and thought it was better to only send a few than risk only missing out a couple. I like the idea of a whole class card. I don't personally send any cards as I feel they are such a waste of money and paper.

sparkle12mar08 · 20/12/2011 09:21

YABU. There are all sorts of calid reasons why you might leave just one or two children out. Why on earth should I make my child send a card to the bully in his class who has thumped him on at least five separate occasions in the last 15 months?! No fucking way! That child has been the bane of our and others' lives since he started the school and has it coming to him, frankly.

sparkle12mar08 · 20/12/2011 09:24

And for what it's worth 3cutedarlings, my ds is very good friends with the child with SN in his class, and indeed has actually stepped in to protect that child from the bully I just mentioned. He may be only 5 but he certainly knows the difference between a nasty child and a child who's lovely and kind but just a bit different.

exoticfruits · 20/12/2011 09:29

I think that it is a huge over involvement by the parent-just because at 5 yrs they can get away with it.
Some DCs like writing cards and want to send to the whole class-so fair enough. Mine didn't-6 was about their limit and we luckily didn't get into 'must write a card because we got a card'.
Even at 5 yrs I wouldn't have wanted a card from a DC that had nothing to do with me the rest of the time. I don't think that mine ever remotely had a clue as to how many cards DCs did or didn't get. Everyone will get a card because the teacher will send one and probably the TA and even the Head.
There is also this huge assumption that the SN DCs get left out. My DCs may have only sent a few, with free choice, but they had friends with SN and if they were friends they got cards.

daytoday · 20/12/2011 09:38

Although my DC send cards to their whole class, I would not give any thought to what other people do. I appreciate that each family has it's own way and reasons. I wouldnt loose sleep over cards. But if you want your DC to send cards to all then that is lovely.

I have a grown up middle aged SN brother so that affects my thinking. I couldn't give a fig about popularity etc.

BendyBob · 20/12/2011 09:41

I think children should be left to choose their own friends and write cards to whoever they want to. Making a 5 year old write out 30 odd cards just to appear to be 'nice' to everyone regardless of how they feel about it negates the worthiness of giving the thing. You can't force friendships.

NormanTebbit · 20/12/2011 09:42

Solve the problem by not sending any at all.

Miette · 20/12/2011 09:44

I think if the teacher is allowing the children to hand out cards in class or giving them out and having a grand opening session in class, then that probably explains why children are feeling left out. Our school sends them home in the book bag to be opened at home and I really don't think my children could care less who has and hasnt sent cards.

NormanTebbit · 20/12/2011 09:44

You just have to get over the 'inviting everybody, cards to everybody' thing because it just becomes an absolute siege. dD3 writes cards to friends, invites friends to her party, it's just ridiculous to do anything else.

chinam · 20/12/2011 09:48

My DD is 6. She is bringing in a card for all the children in her class. When she is a bit older and has actually decided who her friends are - as apposed to now where she has a new best friend everyday, she can send them to her little circle of friends. Until then everybody gets one.

cacklingdragon · 20/12/2011 09:48

I'm not sure what everyone seems to have against inclusion. There is a lot of mention of lack of time/funds to send cards and the environmental impact it has (which I totally agree with ). I have no DCs but as a child I asked my Mom and Dad to get me cheap boxes of candy canes and handed these out - No writing, not much effort and everyone appreciated it.

As an adult I have continued this tradition and still don't send cards but usually find something token and silly (like candy canes or one year a job lot of mini playing cards {which I ofcourse thought was so ironically funny}. Now I only give these to people I like ...but... children should include each other as there is plenty of time to learn about the 'real world' later on.

YANBU

scarborough1980 · 20/12/2011 09:53

YANBU. Said same to my 5 year old.

BendyBob · 20/12/2011 09:54

Oh my..I can just imagine the upset if anyone turned up with a box of.... sweets to hand out. At school??

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/12/2011 10:01

I think Christmas cards are quite political ? the issues of who you give them to, do you have to send one back to everyone who sends you one, etc ? and I'd be inclined to just let your DD send them to her close friends only. If she sees them outside school/knows their addresses then I might even get her to send them out outside school, to avoid the awkwardness of handing them to some people in the classroom and not others. I don't really agree with the school thing of everyone giving out cards in the classroom precisely because it can expose political issues of who is and isn't friends, who's more popular than others etc. I was shy and awkward at school and remember finding it excruciating; I'd have preferred a no-Christmas-cards classroom. Also, people like receiving things through the old-fashioned post, so I think it'd be nice to help your DD stamp and send them.

cacklingdragon · 20/12/2011 10:06

LOL BendyBob, rebellion is goooood!

shuffleballchange · 20/12/2011 10:25

Just let her send cards to who she wants to. Do you send cards to EVERYONE on your street or EVERYONE at work?? Sending cards should be a pleasurable nice thing to do not a chore.

Sillyoldelf · 20/12/2011 10:26

3 cute darlings just because parents don't enforce sending cards to all children it doesn't mean that our children leave them out of parties etc etc. You are being very judgmental . My DD is a child who is very sensitive towards the needs of children with sn . Rather than moan at parents who have other pressing matters than enforcing the writing of 30+ cards ( I really don't have time and my DD is well and truly worn out and ready for a holiday ) have you thought about talking with your child and playing down the importance of receiving Christmas cards . That would be far more constructive for both of you. As things stand you are getting very upset and angry with the situation . Is it really worth it ?
Rather than focus on play dates have tried net working with mums ? IME that is a far more effective way of securing play dates .

SomekindofSpanish · 20/12/2011 10:27

Why don't you let her send them to her friends and get her to write one for the whole class as well? That's what I got my 3 DSs to do.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/12/2011 10:39

Whilst I dont agree with making kids send Christmas cards..
Its not really that simple silly. Unfortunately parents still avoid children with SN and dont want their children to mix with them. ( Sorry if I am assuming wrongly that you dont have a child with SN. You might have )
They think they will 'do something' if they are invited to a party etc.

All the networking in the world will not bridge that particular gap.

My DS has SN. He was left out at mainstream school. I moved him before he got old enough to really clock what was going on. He now goes to a Special School which is 100 x more inclusive.

Back to the cards thing. I HATE the way cards have become some sort of bloody marker of how organised/thoughtful/generous you are.

A couple of years ago there were people announcing on FB that they had sent their cards in November with smug glee. Ironically the people who were doing it were the biggest cowbags in the area and the ones to spread the most evil gossip.

But they sent everyone a card so that was ok then

LongWayRound · 20/12/2011 10:41

If you are concerned to teach children the value of inclusiveness, surely the class card, and just the class card, is the way to go. It gives the school an opportunity to stress the importance of including all the children, since handing out individual cards is bound to mean that some children will get fewer than others. Inclusiveness AND reduced wasted of natural resources = ideal solution?

Sillyoldelf · 20/12/2011 10:57

Perhaps we are lucky in our school , I don't have a child with sn , but there are lots of children with sn in the school. Those children are wonderfully included and are never without friends, the school works very hard for this to be achieved . Our DD has always invited various children with sn to her parties , and has played at their houses etc etc . Just because she has left them off her card list, tbh is more about time than anything else . She has literally sent a handful to her closest friends. I have a chronic illness myself so really can't sit down night after night to ensure 30+ people get them . The flip of the coin too is that we don't only practice goodwill at Christmas , we strongly encourage our children to do this all year through . Of course I have empathy with mums of children who have sn . My heart really goes out. But please be aware that even the most popular of children may only get a handful of cards. There are lots of factors affecting the writing of Christmas cards, money, time, whether the child will write them etc etc .
Would parents of sn children rather that we single out their children to receive Christmas cards ? It's a genuine question I would be interested to know the answer , for my own learning !

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/12/2011 11:04

DS just wrote a handful of cards out...what is the point in sending cards to people he has no connection/friendship with....would that not completely take away the point of sending a card in the first place.

YABU - let her write cards to her friends.....personally all this niceness, I think the world has gone mad!

NormanTebbit · 20/12/2011 11:47

Dd3 had a party recently where she invited 12 classmates. There are some parties she hasn't been invited to. Same with Xmas cards. They need to get used to this otherwise later years going tobe very hard.

exoticfruits · 20/12/2011 13:27

I agree NormanTebbit, DCs don't continue doing this and it is going to be hard later on. I don't see why they should send cards to those they have no connection with. People seem to assume that there are no firm friendships in reception/year1 but this is not the case. They are not set in stone and will no doubt change-but they do have special friends.
My DCs school had a good name for SN and worked hard to be inclusive of all DCs throughout the year. I would hate to be sent a card because someone felt sorry for me-I would rather they didn't bother.
Sending cards is supposed to be enjoyable-not some chore where they spend 5 nights writing them.
A parent needs to help their DC get over disappointments-not try to make sure their DC is never disappointed.

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