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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my 5 year old that she should send Christmas cards to everyone in her class, not just her friends.

100 replies

corlan · 19/12/2011 20:49

It just goes against the spirit of goodwill to all to exclude people at Christmas. I quoted Tiny Tim's 'God bless us, every one!' and tried to get through to her that it's the season of goodwill to ALL men, but she's not having it!

I work on a team of about 12 people and I send cards to them all even the ones I don't much care for! I probably get cards from about 5 of them but I don't care - it's just a really simple and easy way to spread some cheer.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I being a total muppet?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 20/12/2011 07:32

If I have 3 DCs and they are all supposed to send 30 cards it makes 90-or is this just supposed to be a reception thing?

exoticfruits · 20/12/2011 07:32

Pity the parent who has 5 DCs!

Chandon · 20/12/2011 07:39

MY DC just send cards to their friends.

So do I.

So only send about 10 cards every year.

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 07:41

Cant remember that far back.

Fortunately boys tend to get past this twee stuff a lot earlier than girls!

doublechocchip · 20/12/2011 07:48

yanbu, I made dd (also 5) do all the children in the class. I went through the class list with her and let her pick originally and she chose about 25 so wasnt going to leave out 5 kids on their own. If it was a case of her just wanting to write them to 4 or 5 then it wouldn't be so bad but I think its awful when just a couple get left out especially when they're so young.

Sillyoldelf · 20/12/2011 07:48

YABU ! O my god why on earth should she send them to people she doesn't like ? You are not doing your DD any favours . You are setting her up to be a passive people pleaser . You are not helping her to foster her own values with your attitude. What a complete waste of time sending cards to people you don't like !

exoticfruits · 20/12/2011 07:51

I think it should be like parties-one per age of the DC.
You must have very compliant DCs if they are going to write 30 cards without fuss and putting them off cards for life!
I also can't see why you would want a card from someone that you have nothing to do with generally in the class.

exoticfruits · 20/12/2011 07:54

It also isn't helping the DC to get over disappointments. If everyone is forced into writing cards it is pretty meaningless to get one. They won't be doing it in the juniors, unless they are the sort who like writing cards and have parents willing to spend a fortune on cards.They probably won't be boys- who may not send any!

mrsravelstein · 20/12/2011 08:04

my dc haven't sent cards to anyone at all at school, that's an even better solution... i honestly don't understand getting 5 year olds to send cards.

Flubba · 20/12/2011 08:19

I'm really surprised just how polar the opinions are on this thread. Normally there's some kind of halfway meeting point but here there are either those of you who think the OP is right (she's not), and those of you who agree with me (and I'm always right Xmas Wink :o)

3cutedarlings · 20/12/2011 08:28

I see that the vast majority here feel that its ok to leave out DC dont like/play with ect. I have no doubt what so ever that some of those left of will be DC with SNs and thats fine is it? be cause your child needs to learn not be a passive people pleaser!! Hmm. Its clear that most here have no idea what its like to parent a child with SNs, tbh i only posted here as i thought that giving the other side of the story may help some think differently, silly huh?

Im just grateful to the few parents that do encourage their children, to spread a little happiness. My DD is unlikely to EVER belong to a nice little social circle.

4aminsomniac · 20/12/2011 08:34

Not really about children/school, but at work I always found card giving a nightmare! I instigated a charity donation instead, and the company matched the total. No hurt feelings, same financial impact, someone else benefited ..... great!

Shakirasma · 20/12/2011 08:34

YANBU
I was so grateful for the handful of cards my DS received from his reception classmates.
He has ASD and if all the kids had only sent to their mates he wouldnt have got any because he has no friends, and he really loves to open cards.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 20/12/2011 08:37

This is why it's much better to do what my DS's school does - the children are encouraged to make one big card for the whole class that goes on a big board. No one gets left out, no one is wasting time and resources sending cards to children they never speak to.

My DS also loves opening cards. I let him open all the cards that we get in the post and he appears to be perfectly happy with that Hmm

MorelliOrRanger · 20/12/2011 08:40

I asked my DD who she wanted to send cards to (she's in reception) and she said she wanted to send to everyone.

Next year I think it may be a bit different. She recieved cards from all but two in her class so I assume most of the other parents did the same.

Had she chosen to just send just a few I'd have been happy with that too.
Her choice IMO.

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 08:40

My kids have always written their own xmas cards. My son writes very few as he hates writing and my daughter writes loads. Neither has ever sent cards to the whole class, but then I never did when at school and I'm not a big xmas card sender. I have never written any cards for my kids. I'll give them cards to use if they want but it's up to them how many they choose to write.

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 08:45

I think some of you have too much time on your hands with getting out class lists and standing over your kids as they write cards. How to turn the whole thing into an unpleasant chore. If they can't remember a kid's name they shouldn't be sending them a card. If they spell the name wrong because they are small it doesn't matter. Give them a few cards and let them get on with it. Feeling obliged to give someone a card even though you don't want to is adult social obligation crap. Keep the kids out of this sort of nonsense.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/12/2011 08:52

This is one of the reasons I hate Christmas cards. They have become meaningless bits of paper. They are now written so as not to upset someone rather than as a true indication of regard.

Surely if we insist on sending them to all members of the class we are buying into the 'if you dont get one you are not popular' and making it worse?

IME they end up left in book bags anyway.

If a child wants to send to the whole class thats fine but why make them? My DSs wouldnt have a clue how many cards they got in comparison to other class members anyway.

daytoday · 20/12/2011 08:56

I ask that my children send Christmas cards to all children precisely because it is always the same children who get left out. I wouldn't force friendship in them but parties and cards should be inclusive. Its not hard to encourage that attitude in children.

They are not people pleasers but they understand that kindness grace and good manners will serve them well in life.

Obviously if they only wanted to send a couple of cards fine.

AsinineLadiesDancing · 20/12/2011 08:57

Surely part of the fun of being 5 is that you don't feel an obligation to follow crazy invented social convention? To impose that on a child is so depressing.

Just let them be free to enjoy being 5. If they want to write cards, let them. If not, that's fine too.

I have four dcs, youngest is 6, I provide cards and let them do their own thing.

feelokaboutit · 20/12/2011 09:00

Hi Corlan - YANBU. I have 3 dc (5, 7 and 10 years old) and all three of them sent cards to everyone in their class. The elder two did this all by themselves as they remember and know how to spell everyone's name. My 5 year old used the class list to help her but she still did it off her own bat and seemed to enjoy doing it. I think there is a real camaraderie at school and though all my children have their own closer friends, their class as a whole is important to them and I don't think it is false to send a card to everybody. It is a good wish for the holidays and as some posters have said, these are children we are talking about - who (especially the younger two in my case) love receiving and opening envelopes! Also their relationships are hopefully not set in stone in the same way that adults' relationships are... Just because they are not playing with x, y or z this term doesn't mean they won't in the future. I think a card is a way of acknowledging someone's daily presence in your class and life.

fluffytowels · 20/12/2011 09:02

DS1 wrote about 10. They were lovely, each with a drawing and he worked really hard. I tried to get him to write them to people who had sent him one but to no avail.

As I had not quite summoned up the effort to write my own I decided not to force it, as that would take away from the pleasure he got from sending the ones he did willingly.

I made him send one to the new boy though, just in case he didn't get many.

spiderpig8 · 20/12/2011 09:02

YABU and are over involved!!

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 20/12/2011 09:05

How do you do inclusive parties daytoday? Do you invite every child in the class? Shock

I would never be able to afford that

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/12/2011 09:06

I really dont think that not sending Christmas cards to everyone is an indicator of future selfishness and insularity (is that a word?).

Call me grinch but I cant stand bloody Christmas cards. I particularly dislike the ones that are obviously sent because you happen to share the same office as somone. I dont dislike the person for sending it (I am not that bad) but it all seems so bloody pointless.

I send them to my family and friends who dont live near me. I say Happy Christmas to everyone else.

The loss of DD really made all this card writing worse so I stopped. I hated having to stop myself adding her name to the cards. So I only send a few now and I do them through moonpig.

My younger DSs are not interested in sending cards yet. If they want to send them I will get them some cards and help them. If they dont want to send them I wont push them.

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