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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that when her DS smacked mine in the face, she should have told him off?

61 replies

Birdsnotbees · 19/12/2011 12:00

This is a genuine AIBU as I just don't know whether I'm making too much of this.

Right, so was at a mutual friend's xmas party. All very lovely, kids behaving, grown ups had a few drinks but not pissed. Towards the end of the afternoon the older boys (aged 4) start to get a bit fractious. My DS wanted to play with a toy so I told him to sit and wait. Friend's DS wades in, snatches said toy. My DS tries to get it back. Her DS smacks mine in the face, hard. It made a big noise and left a big red mark. Everyone saw and heard it.

My DS was shocked and I took him away to see if he was OK. Now, my friend is very laid back when it comes to boys being rough. Our two DS's have known each other for years, usually play OK but over the past few months I have noticed her DS getting much rougher. He pushes my DS a lot (and I mean a lot) and can be really unpleasant. If my DS ever pushes back (he doesn't always as he's quite quiet), then her DS wails and makes a HUGE fuss, and only at that point does my friend do anything about it. She rarely (if ever) checks to see if my DS is OK I guess because he's quiet stoic and just takes the flack he gets from this little boy.

But yesterday when her DS hit mine she said nothing AT ALL. Just let her DS keep the toy he'd taken and basically go unpunished. About 10 mins later I heard her DH half-heartedly telling the DS to say sorry, but he refused.

I actually feel quite hurt. It's wrong to hit other people. I couldn't reprimand her son as he did it right in front of her (& everyone else), and so the message to my DS is 'it's wrong to hit other people except when it comes to you.' OK I know I'm reading too much into it with that line but I am pretty upset. No one has ever hit my DS and I'm left having to explain to him why it was wrong that his friend hit him yet no one (including me) told him off.

I don't know what to do. Should I raise it with her (which would end our friendship I know)? Should I cool things off with her and her DS? I feel bad for not sticking up for my DS.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 12:04

I cant understand why you wouldnt intervene yourself and say to the child "that is not a nice thing to do".

Sod sitting there waiting for an ineffectual parent to reprimand their child, especially when she has form for not doing it.

IndigoBell · 19/12/2011 12:06

I'd have told the kid off :)

BluddyMoFo · 19/12/2011 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theincredibequeenofwands · 19/12/2011 12:09

I'd keep your son away from hers.

Am aware that it would affect the friendship but keeping your child safe is your priority.

If I was in your shoes I'd stay well away from them.

blackeyedsanta · 19/12/2011 12:10

oo I agree with the first 3 posters, I would have told off too.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 19/12/2011 12:10

I'd have said "hey, don't do that, that's not very nice"

I did drop a friend though for exactly this reason - I got fed up with her kids attacking my kids and then complaining that my kids were whingey - well yes, that's because your kids keep thumping my kids!

slavetofilofax · 19/12/2011 12:13

I would tell the child myself. You can do it calmly so your friend has no reason to get offended, and if she does, then I'd stop spending time with her.

scarletforya · 19/12/2011 12:14

Yep, I would have told the brat off also. The kid is a brat because she is letting him be.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 19/12/2011 12:15

I would have said something too. And I don't tend to see friends whose kids are unkind to mine very much. Sometimes friendships can dwindle if parenting styles differ hugely and it sounds as though that is the case here

LovesBloominChristmas · 19/12/2011 12:17

@ fuzzy

SimoneD · 19/12/2011 12:17

Yes, would definately have said something at the time to the boy - dont know how you could have contained yourself! Maybe your friend thought it wasnt a big deal because you ignored it at the time.

choceyes · 19/12/2011 12:19

Yes I would also have told the boy off - saying "don't do that, it's not very nice". I'd find it very difficult not to actually. Your poor DS, hope he is better now.
Your friend should defnitely have intervened and said something to her DS.

pantspantspants · 19/12/2011 12:19

Everytime he does something unacceptable tell him so. I fine a very stern DON'T followed by a nice 'do that' works well.

Kick up a fuss, make a scene, tell every parent there what he has done and generally embarrass her into dealing with her tired child. or go and tell her what happened and then say 'so how were you planning on dealing with this?

ISayHolmes · 19/12/2011 12:31

Hmm, well she can't be a very good friend if you say that mentioning this to her and discussing it "would end our friendship". You seem pretty firm on that. I would bring it up anyway and in future stand up for your son. It's clear that she isn't going to do anything.

Callisto · 19/12/2011 12:32

I actually think that you should be defending your son a bit more. If you can't protect him from being pushed around then you shouldn't force him to play with this child. As for the hitting - I would have said something too, and been very cross if she hadn't backed me up. Jesus, if her husband had hit your husband in the face I doubt you'd be seeing her again, why subject your child to it?

NotJustForClassic · 19/12/2011 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoTmania · 19/12/2011 12:34

I would also have told the child off. Just a simple 'people aren't for hitting' or 'that's not a nice thing to do'.

Original poster

Birdsnotbees · 19/12/2011 12:35

OK thanks everyone. I was just really shocked and as it was such a horrible thing I really expected her to say something - or her DH, who was also in the room. I should have said something I know, and I feel terrible about that.

I have spoken to her before about when the boys start fighting and said, so what shall we do about it, and her view was to let them get on with it. She had a point, as young boys do tend to tussle a lot, but this just seemed way above that - and so I wanted to get a reality check from you.

I just can't believe she didn't do something. Or her DH. Or, in fact, me. Feel like I've let my son down a lot actually and I'm just so crap that when I meet someone who seems to know more about kids than me (and she is quite dominant, has loads of mummy friends etc., whereas I don't have quite so many) - I always tend to let those people take the lead instead of going with my gut instinct. Which in this case was to haul her DS out of the room and sit him on the bottom step until he said he was sorry!

OP posts:

Original poster

Birdsnotbees · 19/12/2011 12:36

Callisto - I don't force him to play with this child. They used to be quite good friends and go to school together. We happened to be at this party; I didn't drag DS there kicking and screaming!

OP posts:

Original poster

Birdsnotbees · 19/12/2011 12:38

OK, another question. Should I say something to her next time I see her, or just let it drop now and tackle it if it happens again?

And what shall I say to DS? I want him to understand that not only was this boy wrong, but so were all the adults (including me)?

OP posts:

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 19/12/2011 12:41

I wouldn't say anything now - you didn't do or say anything either. But next time it happens, you must say something.

And I would be totally honest with your DS and say what you've just written - the other boy was wrong and the adults were also wrong for letting him get away with it.

This kind of ineffectual parenting really gets on my nerves because it makes it so bloody hard on the kids when they start school.

FunnysInTheGarden · 19/12/2011 12:45

now I have 2 DC and a bit of experience I would tell another child off, but not sure if I would have been sure enough of myself with DS1. I think once you have seen it a few times, you realise that the only way to sort it is to deal with it yourself

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/12/2011 12:45

If I was in your position I would have told the boy off there and then, myself. I can't stand parents like your friend that just can't be bothered to discipline their children. It's laziness.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2011 12:46

How confrontational are you feeling?

I would probably explain that, having thought about things, you had now decided that the pushing/hitting b/w your boys has got out of hand and is now a no-no. If it happens again give her a chance to deal with it (5 sec should be enough) or you do. Probably the friendship will go south, at least for a while but the alternative seems to be your child being a punch bag so so what?

HandMini · 19/12/2011 12:47

Birds, good advice generally in this thread. Nothing wrong with saying something to the kid, esp if his parents are right there, as then you can't be acccused of going behind their backs. I would not mention it now, but be on the alert next time.

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