to think that when her DS smacked mine in the face, she should have told him off?

[Birdsnotbees]

This is a genuine AIBU as I just don't know whether I'm making too much of this.

Right, so was at a mutual friend's xmas party. All very lovely, kids behaving, grown ups had a few drinks but not pissed. Towards the end of the afternoon the older boys (aged 4) start to get a bit fractious. My DS wanted to play with a toy so I told him to sit and wait. Friend's DS wades in, snatches said toy. My DS tries to get it back. Her DS smacks mine in the face, hard. It made a big noise and left a big red mark. Everyone saw and heard it.

My DS was shocked and I took him away to see if he was OK. Now, my friend is very laid back when it comes to boys being rough. Our two DS's have known each other for years, usually play OK but over the past few months I have noticed her DS getting much rougher. He pushes my DS a lot (and I mean a lot) and can be really unpleasant. If my DS ever pushes back (he doesn't always as he's quite quiet), then her DS wails and makes a HUGE fuss, and only at that point does my friend do anything about it. She rarely (if ever) checks to see if my DS is OK I guess because he's quiet stoic and just takes the flack he gets from this little boy.

But yesterday when her DS hit mine she said nothing AT ALL. Just let her DS keep the toy he'd taken and basically go unpunished. About 10 mins later I heard her DH half-heartedly telling the DS to say sorry, but he refused.

I actually feel quite hurt. It's wrong to hit other people. I couldn't reprimand her son as he did it right in front of her (& everyone else), and so the message to my DS is 'it's wrong to hit other people except when it comes to you.' OK I know I'm reading too much into it with that line but I am pretty upset. No one has ever hit my DS and I'm left having to explain to him why it was wrong that his friend hit him yet no one (including me) told him off.

I don't know what to do. Should I raise it with her (which would end our friendship I know)? Should I cool things off with her and her DS? I feel bad for not sticking up for my DS.

I'd probably avoid spending time with this family for a while. I might give them another chance in the future to see if he has grown out of it, but if it ever happened again I wouldn't hestitate to tell off the boy quite firmly. I can understand why you didn't tell him off this time as you were expecting the parents to and probably caught off guard when they didn't.

Aw, don't beat yourself up. It's not easy. Parenting makes you face up to all sorts, doesn't it?

and I would say to your ds that it was very wrong what this boy did and the parents should have told him off, so you will not see them for a while, but if it happens again in future you will make sure you tell the boy off yourself.

Jamie - see, I thought childbirth would be the hard part. No one told me it doesn't get any easier...

You definitely need to have a word with the mother, tell her that the situation upset you and that you can't have your ds in that situation again. It frustrates the hell out of me at the number of people who don't tell their kids off when they do things like that. They do their children no favours at all and no wonder there are so many badly behaved little shits children about! I will always call my kids up on unacceptable behaviour and they are generally really good and not pushy and they don't hit because I have taught them that is unacceptable behaviour and will not be tolerated. I don't hit my children, I dont personally believe in that but I do tell them off and use time out or take away treats etc. One look is usually enough!

Oh and tell th child off next time too. I know a woman who has a little girl who is obviously used to getting her on way as her mother never tells her off - the other day she was being very pushy with my girl and tying to grab toys (at a toddler group) and as usual her lazy mum said nothing so I sternly told her that pushing and grabbing is not nice and please don't do that. The little girl was so surprised by this telling off but stopped at once, looked a little unsure and whenever she went to shove again looked to me first and I said no and she didn't do it. She just needed to be told and given boundaries.

I think you're being far too hard on yourself about what happened Birds. You were a bit unsure about what to do, and let the incident slide but it's not as if you joined in or laughed at your DS. More to the point, you found out what to do about it, and now you know how to deal with it in future. You recognised where you went wrong and did something about it, which is a million times better than just putting your head in the sand and doing nothing. You should feel proud of yourself for that. It's clear you care deeply about your DS and you're willing to learn as you go, which is far more than can be said for a lot of mums :)

Thank you cailin, that's really very kind. I'd say 'I hope it gets easier' but suspect it never will! But seriously thank you, and to everyone who has taken the time to respond (unanimously it seems, is that an AIBU first?!) - can't tell you how much that will help if/when something like this happens again.

Remember the mantra:

I. Am. So. Not. Being. Unreasonable.

coz the good ladies of MN said so!!

IS it worth keeping a friendship with someone like that? I have 3 boys - yes, they're rougher but this wasn't rough play. This was an unpleasant little shit attacking your son. And with her attitude he's going to be a very unpleasant big shit one day. I would drop them faster than shit through a goose. And tell her exactly why.

There's laidback and then there's just not teaching your children what is right and what is wrong.

Your DS sounds lovely and gentle. Can you find other friends?