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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask (D)P to sleep on the couch tonight?

63 replies

teacoupons · 18/12/2011 20:16

I have Fibromyalgia and have not been well all day. I woke up at 11am and my DP said to my friend ?Let that fat, lazy bitch stay there and I'll do everything myself?.

He's been in a mood all day but as soon as I heard he'd called me fat I broke down. I told him to go away as I was crying and later on explained I'm not just anfry at him but it also really hurt me. He said ge shouldn't have said it and was angry. He's now reading a book in the kitchen 'giving me my space' but would I be unreasonable to ask him to sleep on the couch tonight?

I really don't want to sleep next to him. He knows the issues I have with my weight and illness and for someone I love who tells me I'm gorgeous and supports me the best he can to say that, it really fucking hurts.

OP posts:
Mandy2003 · 18/12/2011 20:23

From a fellow fibro sufferer, sharing a bed with anyone when you have fibro is horrible, IMO, even on a good day. You have my sympathy.

JamieComeHome · 18/12/2011 20:30

I think that lazy and bitch are equally bad ....

I this out of character? I can't recall my DH of 20 odd years ever calling me one of those names.

If he really is sorry and wants to give you space then he should understand you not wanting to sleep with him tonight. But I'd tell him (tonight) that you want to talk to him about what's going on, tomorrow.

Liluri · 18/12/2011 20:35

How sad that a man who is supposed to be your partner feels it appropriate to use insults about you to your friend, especially when you are ill.

Where does he get off talking about you behind your back in your own home?
Did your friend challenge him about it?

If this is a regular occurrence then perhaps you need to look into surrounding yourself with supportive people, rather than those who make you feel worse.

Original poster
teacoupons · 18/12/2011 20:35

Not entirely out of character but enough to shock me. He's not stooped to that level sober before. I know it's hard on him being out of work, living off me and having 3DC's to be a lone parent to when I have a bad day but his words make me feel worse.

He's looking in to becoming my carer and in no uncertain terms have I told hom that being my carer means caring and not calling me names.

God, I don't know. It's shocked me a lot since everything has been.on track with us and he's gettong counseling.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 20:36

I would be telling him to go and sleep on someone elses couch and to get the fuck out of my sight. :(

Original poster
teacoupons · 18/12/2011 20:37

My friend challenged him. She said how dare he speak to me like that and how I don't choose to be ill. She has been my rock sonce she's been temporarily lodging here.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 20:38

If my H ever called me a fat, lazy bitch to my face, or to anyone else, he would no longer be my H

and where he slept would be none of my concern

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 20:39

he wants to be your carer ?

I would rather Hitler was my carer

seriously

Hippymum89 · 18/12/2011 20:40

Bin him pronto, what a to**er!!

NinkyNonker · 18/12/2011 20:43

I can't imagine this, I am angry for you.

FeebleFeebie · 18/12/2011 20:44

why dont you sleep on the sofa if you dont want to be near him

girliefriend · 18/12/2011 20:45

How dare he call you names?

Why are with this guy?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 20:46

feeble really ?

you think a woman with a chronic illness who has a verbally abusive arse as a partner should sleep on the sofa ?

really ?

Original poster
teacoupons · 18/12/2011 20:47

Looks like he'll be on the sofa!

I know he has issues, we both do. Dealing with me with Fibro and Bi Polar cannot be easy but it's not exactly a walk in the park for me either. He's gone to counseling and spoken with my doctors to help him learn more about the facts that it's not just mind over matter but he has a long way to go before I even consider letting him become my carer and not look for more work. I work (from home) and study and I'm ill so it doesn't let him off the hook at all. I'll be having a serious discussion with him tomorrow. I'm still very upset as you can probably tell :(

OP posts:
Akiram · 18/12/2011 20:48

He wants to be your carer? Why? Excuse my ignorance but will he recieve money for this? So he wouldn't care for free but he would do it for cash? Apologies if I have got that all wrong.

Original poster
teacoupons · 18/12/2011 20:52

He is practocally my carer anyway. I still pull my weight with the DC's, cooking, cleaning, school run etc but he has to physically carry me up the stairs some days, help me out of the bath, become practically a single parent etc. i've been advised to apply for disability benefits so he'd get money by applying for carers.

OP posts:
Original poster
teacoupons · 18/12/2011 20:55

He's been in the kitchen writing me a heartfelt letter about his fuck ups and how he's trying to be better for me. It was lovely, things I knew but nice that he had acknowledged them. He's not off the hook but it's a start.

Still a sofa for him tonight.

OP posts:
Liluri · 18/12/2011 20:57

I think you probably need some time apart from each other, so I would very strongly suggest to him that he gets a job.

Any job.
Anywhere.

He needs to go to the job centre every day / hand out cvs to every local business / do whatever is needed.

If you need a carer, please don't give the role to someone who verbally abuses you.

You cannot help your illness, and if he is irritated/annoyed by it, then he is not the right person to be your carer.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:00

ah, the crocodile tears will sway you

until the next time

you know when twats make these unguarded comments like "fat lazy bitch" this is the real person don't you ?

and the soppy letters written after the fact are just to make you STFU

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2011 21:25

It was a vile and disgusting thing to say...even though it sounds as though you're both under an awful lot of strain.

I hope he means every word of his apology letter.

BeerGrinchPotter · 18/12/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockinhippy · 18/12/2011 21:38

as a fellow FM sufferer, without wanting to upset you more & make you evaluate your life with him, when you already are ill & that stress will not be goood for you - I've locked my DH out for far less Angry

it would be vile & disgusting to say to your face if you were well, let alone be bitching behind your back to a friend about a situation you really cannot help - you both have your crosses to bear & are under a lo of strain, but this is never an excuse for out & out abusive behaviour to someone who is ill - how dare he be so unkind to the woman he is meant to love Angry

I'm glad he's trying to put it right, but he needs a damned good kick up the backside, doesn't the idiot realise that its behaviour like this that adds to your illness & makes you worse - & then he dare criticise you for what he in part is causing - words fail me - but if he were mine, he'd be lucky if he got to share my bed after a monthHmm

YADNBU & give him a slap round the face from me - I am so Angry for you

Original poster
teacoupons · 18/12/2011 21:40

What do you think I should do? I won't throw him out without giving him a chance as I love him and he is a great father to our DC's who adore him but I obviously can't put up with verbally abusive behaviour, even if he meant every word of his written and spoken apologies. I can't see reality right now as I'm blinded vy pain and feelings.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:45

I think you should tread very carefully wrt him becoming your official carer

I think you should apply zero tolerance to verbal abuse

I think you should not accept apologies made after the fact

I think if you do those two things, any decisions you thought you might have to make, will get taken out of your hands

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:45

three things, sorry