To ask (D)P to sleep on the couch tonight?

[teacoupons]

I have Fibromyalgia and have not been well all day. I woke up at 11am and my DP said to my friend ?Let that fat, lazy bitch stay there and I'll do everything myself?.

He's been in a mood all day but as soon as I heard he'd called me fat I broke down. I told him to go away as I was crying and later on explained I'm not just anfry at him but it also really hurt me. He said ge shouldn't have said it and was angry. He's now reading a book in the kitchen 'giving me my space' but would I be unreasonable to ask him to sleep on the couch tonight?

I really don't want to sleep next to him. He knows the issues I have with my weight and illness and for someone I love who tells me I'm gorgeous and supports me the best he can to say that, it really fucking hurts.

He is living off you and plans to live off you even further by becoming your carer, when he has no sympathy or empathy? Are you mad?

Get him the FUCK away from you. he is a cocklodger now and wanting to apply to be a state sponsored cocklodger.

One that you won't easily be able to get rid of, one that he can fight legally to stay on as.

What chance do you genuinely need to give him? He called you fat, lazy and bitch in one single sentence to his friend in your earshot. WTF does he say when you CAN'T hear him.

He is NOT a great father, he is a LAZY FECKLESS ABUSIVE FUCKWIT, and the only thing he is doing is teaching YOUR DC to grow up and treat YOU like shit.

You will end up trapped and even more horribly abused by this man than you are already. This man will go on to physically hurt you, more likely than not.

Call WA, and get help, support in RL to free yourself from this dreadful man.

Personally I think you should make damned sure he knows this is his last chance - you can't have him contributing to making you ill & then slagging you off in such a vile way for being ill - its a vicious cycle that will only end up with you getting worse & worse - he doesn't even have alcohol to hide behind

maybe print off some FM info & make sure he reads it - make sure theres plenty about the effects of stress & also look into counselling for you both - relate maybe, ask about staff who are experienced with marriage problems due to health problems.

In fairness as you well know, FM puts a massive strain on relationships - & even the best of partners can feel it at times - I've had similar from mine too, though he was drunk at the time - it was almost the end of us & he knew I meant it otherwise I could never trust that it wouldn't happen again - thankfully I got through & it hasn't, so theres hope, but he needs to REALLY feel the hurt he's given you & then to start forward from there, you can't let it be just another argument that gets shoved under the carpet, because hes good in other ways - he needs to be a good husband to you too - for better for worse - in SICKNESS & in health

NO NO NO. Last chance? why? He's already abusing an ill person! that HAS to be as low as it gets FFS! There is literally NO excuse for him doing what he is doing other than because he can.

You can't reason with these pricks. They fundamentally don't give a SHIT about their victim. This guy LOATHES the OP. There is nothing else for it. To say what he said about her, when she is ILL to his friend, for her to hear? Only LOATHING & HATRED brings that about.

He is a WRITE OFF. He has to know that he is BINNED. THEN and only then is there a REMOTE sliver of a chance that him LOSING everything may jolt him into thinking perhaps he's got it a bit wrong.

Anything less than a complete rejection, ideally isolation from his family and friends, his total loss of support is enough to make someone like this re-examine his behaviour.

He said it to her but I was not in ear shot. My friend told me about it when she came in later.

You make yourself very vulnerable if you allow someone who can talk about you like that to become your carer. Please think carefully about it. Someone who can talk about you like that has the potential to abuse you if they are in a position of power over you.

OTOH, perhaps he isn't a bastard, maybe he isn't coping. It is a lot for one person to do. If that is the case, that is also a reason for him not to be your carer.

I have fm.

I actually have a few adaptations and aids, including a medical bed that ss provided to me (lifts up and down at head and foot and raises and lowers). Without it, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning some days.

Would that be something worth asking for?

My husband sleeps on a small bed next to mine. I know what it's like. I live it. I know how much they have to do for you. I also know that if they give any sign at all that they resent it, or they can't cope - you have got to make other arrangements.

OK about the earshot thing then. He told YOUR friend?

Bollocks to him, nasty evil piece of work.

I refuse to allow ANYONE to say that a person being ill is just cause to say Fat lazy bitch. I repeat, if he says that out loud to your friend, what is he NOT saying?

Who gives a flying fuck about him and if he's coping or not coping. BTW, this is NOT about this at all, he's just plain nasty and the LAST person that should be near someone that needs help, that needs a carer.

Hecate, how many times has YOUR H called you a fat lazy bitch when your FM is flaring up? I'm guessing NONE, not once.

This man is not fit to care for a pet rock, let alone a human being.

I know it sounds extreme, but you need to stop thinking you can talk him round, that if he knew what you felt he would stop. he KNOWS what you feel, he KNOWS you are ill and he STILL does it. He is an abuser. An abuser of a person in dire need of care and help. he is lower than anything I have ever come across.

Please get RL help. Please contact your GP, HV, Womans Aid, anyone and everyone. You need this man removed from your environment asap.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It can help you understand what is going on here.

I've not read it but I will look out for it.

I know he's having a hard time coping. He doesn't know what to do for the best, tries to help but it can make me worse and, as he's said, he never knows what he'll wake up to or what to do for the best. Sometimes he feels so highly strung he shouts out but I know that's normal behaviour, even if it isn't satisfactory. Luckily I know he's getting help and I'm rethinking him becoming my carer and feel he should be at work.

None, houdini. Thank god. If he did, then I would take action, of course. But I know everything he has had to do for me for so many years, and it's hard. I am not excusing what this man said. It was vile. But it is possible for a carer to get to breaking point. Rates of depression among carers are very very high. Some carers do get to breaking point and when they do, they can do some terrible things, say some terrible things. This is not the same as saying it is ok and it is certainly in no way the fault of the disabled person. You've got no control over the situation and a right to expect decent care and not abuse. In fact, I said that either way is a reason for him not to be her carer.

NO NO NO. Last chance? why? Houdini - for ALL the reasons Hectate so eloquently put above - sadly FM. as with any debilitating & disabling illness, affects the WHOLE family, not just the person who is ill - & sometimes outside pressures on top, makes for overload & explode -

can you HONESTLY say that never in your life you have you lashed out when hurting yourself & said something in anger that you haven't really meant ???- it happens, thats just human nature & with the burden with illnesses like FM brings it makes it inevitable at some point that the carer, or other members of the family just don't cope - usually that happens because they care -

only the OP knows whether her DH is really an abusive character, or just another casualty of her FM & struggling under the burden & lashing out, however IF he is an abuser, then she will be better off without him - literally better, as he will have an adverse affect on her health, so for her own sake she needs to act - otherwise he DESERVES a chance

in all honestly if DP said that to me he'd be sleeping on his mums sofa.

Honestly, I have BPD, my partner also has to deal with a lot but if he would never call me that.

I would tell that lazy, abusive git to get a job. A proper job. Not cash in on your illness by staying home and 'caring' for you.

You poor thing. I have fibro too and my dh has never called me a fat lazy bitch. We live with constant pain and disturbed sleep. They may never fully understand what we go through but there is just no need for this I would send him to the sofa xxx

"can you HONESTLY say that never in your life you have you lashed out when hurting yourself & said something in anger that you haven't really meant ???- it happens, thats just human nature & with the burden with illnesses like FM brings it makes it inevitable at some point that the carer, or other members of the family just don't cope - usually that happens because they care"

From my understanding of the OP, the person who is hurting here is the OP, not this foul mouthed cocklodger.

And NO, i have never called any person, vulnerable or otherwise names like that. I am not that kind of person that would attack someone. I would defend myself, but attack? Not me, and never a person that is having difficulties.

Calling someone a Fat Lazy Bitch to her friend is UNFORGIVABLE. This man is not a carer. He is about as low as they come. I hope teacoupons finds the strength to stand up to him and tell him to fuck the fuck off.

What he can do for the best is to get a job, teacoupons, a good enough one so there is money to PAY a proper person to help where you need it. He can do this, whether or not he shares the same house as you actually.

I hate bullies. I have a special level of hatred for those that abuse those in pain, suffering and in dire need of care.

I hate bullies. I have a special level of hatred for those that abuse those in pain

Houdini that is all too obvious from your response & smacks far more of baggage from your own personal experience, than a level headed sensible response to the OPs post - I'm sorry its sounds as if you've been through the mill, but you can't go through life thinking everyone is tarred with the same brush & forcing advice on people based on your own life experiences - thats not in the OPs best interest, any more than staying with a bully - in fact TBH, I'm sure without meaning to IMHO it smacks of bullying others into seeing your POV :(

The OPs DH may well be a bully, but from what is written he may also be a genuinely good man, struggling under the weight of being out of work in difficult economic times, feeling angry with himself for what he sees as himself being lazy & transferring that anger onto his wife - on top of that he has a sick wife, with an illness that only us sufferers can truly understand as it waxes & wanes so much & he is angry at seeing her in so much pain & watching her work & study & feels guilty as hell that he isn't pulling his weight & saving her at least part of her torment - & men being men, if they can't "fix" it get very uptight - very possibly lots of things at play to make his actions NOT excusable, but understandable -

not saying that makes it right - it most certainly doesn't, but surely if the latter applies he deserves more than being treat less than a dog - booted out because he let his anger get the better of him & lashed out

as I said only the OP KNOWS how he really is & IF he is genuinely a bully, then I do agree with you that she's be better off without him, but IMHO your OTT response & insistence that we all agree with YOUR take on it, says far more about you than the OPs DH - I've even found myself wondering if we are reading the same posts - yes he's acted like a complete Dick & was bang out of order & needs kicking into touch - but that doesn't mean he IS one & isn't necessarily grounds for ending an otherwise good marriage.

What he can do for the best is to get a job, teacoupons, a good enough one so there is money to PAY a proper person to help where you need it. He can do this, whether or not he shares the same house as you actually

I DO agree with that though, it doesn't sound like he's coping well with the loss of identity due to being out of work, causing more resentment aimed at the OP as his new job will be to be her carer - financially understandable if no works available & IF you can get DLA - not easy for FM & even harder for an FM carer:( & also having my own DH home on holiday this last week I know how just having him around has knocked me right off kilter with my own routine of pacing etc & it is affecting my own health & TBH as a result has made me really ratty with him as I'm in more pain & thets in itself has caused a few arguement's here -

its a vicious cycle & where as I don't in any way condone the OPS DHs behaviour - it IS bang out of order, there is just as much the possibility that he is a good man, who made a mistake in difficult circumstances as there is him being an abusive bully - & only the OP knows the truth of that

"Arguments" is one thing

Stomping off to the pub is one thing

Getting ratty and narky out of worry/stress is one thing

Calling the person you are supposed to love a "fat lazy bitch" is quite another

Am not sure how that is defensible at all, because it is calculated to wound, deeply and right at the heart of a vulnerable person's self esteem

Hand on heart, I have said a lot of horrible things in my time. It's no excuse, but one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is saying horrible things in order to push people away.

But I've never said anything like that to anyone I'm meant to be caring for and definitely not referencing the illness/problem that person had. I think that's the difference here. I can't imagine how vulnerable that would make the person feel.

I can totally understand getting stressed out and being grumpy, but the OP depends on her partner. And he obviously resents that.

because it is calculated to wound but is it though - how do we know, sitting here behind our monitors reading a few lines written by tea when she's obviously ( & quite rightly) deeply upset, that it wasn't just a man in a stinking mood for whatever reason & a nasty knee jerk reaction to something said that he is now GENUINELY deeply sorry for ?? - we CAN"T know - only the OP can - thats all I'm saying

I too live with FM have done for 9 years now - diagnosed severe along with M.E. so I know too well the effects this kind of stress can have on our well being - so if I KNEW for certain this is normal behaviour for teas DH, then I too would be screaming KICK HIM OUT & DON"T LOOK BACK!!! - but none of us know that - only tea does - so I prefer to keep my advice more balanced & let tea draw her own conclusions as to whether or not she has a future with him - after all, that wasn't what she was asking

I said a terrible thing just over a year ago. My PIL had purposefully ignored me on my birthday because they were cross about something extremely trivial. I was very, very hurt. Not least because I always make such an effort for them on these occasions.

I am afraid that I told DH I wished his DF would die. It was a terrible thing to say. I think it was because the hurt had been building up for years and I just exploded. No excuse, though.

Since then, the FIL has been diagnosed with cancer. Coincidence, but brought it home to me just how nasty I had been.

but the OP depends on her partner. And he obviously resents that yes thats very likely - hence why him getting back to work & tea making other arrangements for her care would be a far better plan - it doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage though - just that things need to change for both their sakes

Agree totally with rockinhippy.

I honestly believe it was a knee jerk reaction to what he felt was a shitty time. That doesn't excuse my upset and I won't forgive him for saying it but I will forget it. He is trying to make up for it as he was angry and obviously resentful toward my condition.

We have both agreed that, for now, at least, he will not be my carer and is off to the job centre tomorrow to look for work. He is finding it tough and he needs a break from all of my ailments plus the housework plus our lodger and our children. It doesn't help that we have debt to pay and two quite large bills had to be paid today just before Christmas. The stress undoubtedly gets to him. He is not a bully usually. Sure, we'ce had arguments and when he's been drinking he can be vile but he is on anti depressants, going to counseling weekly and has stopped drinking more than one or two pints at a time. It's a time of change for him and me and we're muddling our way through.

Alas, he is still on the sofa but we've discussed and are now talking.

Sounds like you've both really got it tough teacoupons. Wishing you all the very best xxx