Wedding logistics problem with 6 year old dd any thoughts?

[BloodyWedding]

Exh and I have been split for 4.5 years. He moved 2.5 hours away after we split, sees dd once a month-ish. I've asked him (as has dd) to see more but he won't.

He is now getting married. No problem with that at all. No feelings of that type between us. He is getting married somewhere 4 hours away from where dd and I live so an 8 hour round trip. He has asked dd to attend. He has come up with no ideas on how she gets there, who will look after her while there and how she will get back.

She does not want to stay overnight and to be fair I don't really want her to either for following reasons:

1. only relative there that i know will be his father, dd sees him maybe three times a year. He has a new girlfriend I've never met and he will be sharing a room with her.
2. His father got smashed at our wedding, I'm not sure he wouldn't do the same at this one and therefore I wouldn't want him looking after dd
3. I wouldn't trust him to actually go to bed/the room when dd wants to, I think he would send her on her own and stay at the reception

We've asked exH for suggestions but his best so far is that dd goes with him on the Thursday when he goes to this place and returns on Tuesday when he comes back but can't stay with him Saturday as that's his wedding night! (Can see his point but where is she supposed to go Saturday??).

My DP has now said he will drive dd there and back on the same day and will go for a meal or something during the time of the wedding/reception.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off with exh for not making arrangements or coming up with possible suggestions and for the fact that when it was pointed out to him that it was a long way for dp to drive there and back said he'd give us half the petrol money?

Do you have any relatives on your side that could take her? Or does he have any others (you may not know them, but your childs father would).

Personally I would say it isnt really practical for her to go.

He's being unreasonable, but since it's his wedding think your DP's suggestion is a good one, or both you and DP go and get a cheap B&B for the night.

How old is your DD? Will she be daunted by attending the wedding without anyone to "look after" her?

Yes, is there a friend / relative who DD knows really well who could attend the wedding with her?

Squeaky - my parents who also live 4 hours away (ie by me) offered to take her and bring her back and then when the date of the wedding was announced it is the same weekend as their (booked 6 months ago) holiday, arghhhhh.

I'm not sure about relatives on his side. There is a sister but she lives abroad as does the other sister. We're waiting to hear if they're going to wedding.

I think DP will definitely take her, we wouldn't want her disappointed, I'm just narked at his attitude I think.

Do you drive if so could you drive her there stay on a b&b drive back at your exh expense

It sounds such a faff and you dont really know anybody who is going does she have any paternal aunties/uncles who can take her look after her during the wedding ? , OR if you and your Dp could afford to maybe make a weekend out of it stay somewhere friday drop her at the wedding and pick her back up again and go home sunday , ?

what would be your solution OP

Oops, sorry, you've already said she's 6. not surprised you're pissed off!

Dozer - she's 6 and quite a young 6 I would say, this is why she doesn't want to stay the night, she's said she would but only if in Daddy's room. Unfortunately I don't think he'd go for that on his wedding night

Will have a think about friends that could do it. To be honest though all our friends have their own dc and wouldnt want to travel 8 hours either. Exh and I don't have any mutual friends that dd knows at all.

WIBTU to ask him if he'd have dd in his room on his wedding night?? It would wouldn't it?

Can the three of you all go up, deposit her at the wedding and go off yourselves for a nice meal then pick her up and head to b&b? I appreciate it's a big ask though.

And it still doesn't solve the problem of her being unescorted during the do, which would bother me with no designated carer.

How old is DD?

Whoops should read thread title

As for having her in his room etc, well she's his 'problem' as well isn't she? (YKWIM) So I don't think it's that big an ask.

Unless they've splashed out and hired an entire hotel for the weekend, there should be a separate bar to the function room where the reception is being held. Take a newspaper/book into the spa and be on site for your DD.

If she's actually that bothered about attending the wedding of someone she doesn't seem to know very well...

erm It would make for a very huffy bride in she were to stay on the wedding night . when i got married dd1 stayed with a friend who couldnt come to the wedding It was last minute though and she was nearly int he middle of us on the wedding night .

Bliss - I wish! He's offered half yes half the petrol money, no way would he pay for a B&B. Unfortunately I don't drive either.

MrsJay - that's a good idea, we have a 23 month old dd so could get a holiday express type family room maybe, will look into that. Sounds a lot easier than 8 hours in one day.

Feeble - I'm not sure. I kind of want to say to her she can't attend because of logistics but then I really dont want to disappoint her.

I think I just wanted him to appreciate that it was a big ask and that really he should be coming up with suggestions and solutions not us. Its obviously getting to me because its reminding me of why I divorced him

Does she really want to go?

When is the wedding?

Gwen - that's whats worrying me too, the no designated carer bit, Im worried about how shes going to get from church to reception, whos taking her to the loo etc, who's watching her at the reception etc.

I've never met the bride.

Purple - thats a good idea too, we could semi gatecrash. I think I'll ask him where the wedding is, we might be able to book somewhere nearby and loiter as you say, good idea.

I'm still laughing at dd spending night in same room though. Although if it was me I wouldnt be bothered at all, its the first night of your marriage but there will be plenty of others and they do live together so no 'special specialness' if you see what I mean

bloodywedding Travel lodge do some good rates on rooms , dunno if the wedding is in a sight seeing type place but im sure you could do something with your toddler on the saturday , make it a bit of an adventure so your DD doesnt feel like its going to be a hassle going to the wedding , you wouldnt make out it was a hassle to her but Littlies think all sorts .

Squeaky - she seems to, and I worry that if I disuade her she might resent me in years to come?? What do you think?

Wedding is first weekend of April.

I think it is up to your ex to come up with a solution. If he doesn't do that, maybe it is not that important to him that his DD attend his wedding so why should it be for you?

I would say that give you nearly 4 months to make arrangments (or rather for her Dad to make them!).

The woman he is marrying is going to be her stepmother, and I think she ought to have some involvement in the logistics of it all too.

Does your daughter know her very well, does she go to stay with them for holidays at all?

What time is the wedding? Could you drive up Saturday, book a b&b for Saturday night, then return home on Sunday? If you do I think you should ask your ex to pay for the b&b. Either that or she stays in his room on the Saturday night. I don't think he'd complain about paying if that's the alternative

While YANBU to be annoyed at his attitude, I would go all out to make sure DD attends (sounds like you are doing). She'll remember that you did that for her, and no one can ever say you "stopped her" attending her dad's wedding.

Does your DP get along with your ex? Would your ex mind if your DP attended as your DD's carer?

yes definately up to ex to sort out arrangements.