Wedding logistics problem with 6 year old dd any thoughts?

[BloodyWedding]

Exh and I have been split for 4.5 years. He moved 2.5 hours away after we split, sees dd once a month-ish. I've asked him (as has dd) to see more but he won't.

He is now getting married. No problem with that at all. No feelings of that type between us. He is getting married somewhere 4 hours away from where dd and I live so an 8 hour round trip. He has asked dd to attend. He has come up with no ideas on how she gets there, who will look after her while there and how she will get back.

She does not want to stay overnight and to be fair I don't really want her to either for following reasons:

1. only relative there that i know will be his father, dd sees him maybe three times a year. He has a new girlfriend I've never met and he will be sharing a room with her.
2. His father got smashed at our wedding, I'm not sure he wouldn't do the same at this one and therefore I wouldn't want him looking after dd
3. I wouldn't trust him to actually go to bed/the room when dd wants to, I think he would send her on her own and stay at the reception

We've asked exH for suggestions but his best so far is that dd goes with him on the Thursday when he goes to this place and returns on Tuesday when he comes back but can't stay with him Saturday as that's his wedding night! (Can see his point but where is she supposed to go Saturday??).

My DP has now said he will drive dd there and back on the same day and will go for a meal or something during the time of the wedding/reception.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off with exh for not making arrangements or coming up with possible suggestions and for the fact that when it was pointed out to him that it was a long way for dp to drive there and back said he'd give us half the petrol money?

OP I'm sorry to hear your ex is being an arse. I'm at him suggesting that your DD spends a night on her own in a hotel room, which is essentially what would be happening as the 'family room' is two separate rooms.

My ex phoned us up from Gretna Green to tell the DC that he'd got married.

Tbh I think your ex should have invited the mother of his child (ie you!) and your dp too if he really wanted to put his dd's feelings first. I know it may be a bit 'weird' and not ideal to have your husband to be's ex at your wedding (or your own ex) but I think, given the circumstances, he should be putting your dd's feelings first (it is his dd after all) and he should be a bit more understanding that, for a 6 year old, her dad marrying someone she barely knows and having hardly anyone around her that she knows for the whole day at a wedding, I'd imagine, would be a very emotional and scary day for her at such a wee age.

Having her own mum there would be just be a bit of support. But it doesn't sound like he is thinking much at all about how your dd feels about it all considering everything you have already said about his rubbish "suggestions", and the fact that she has only met her soon to be step mum twice, so I'm sure that wouldn't be an option.

Hope you manage to sort something out. I wouldn't be happy with any of the suggestions he has made so far for your dd but it is good you are your dp are obviously making such an effort to make sure she attends and is well included.

Talk to the bride.

There may be a teenager / granny type attending who could take on the carer bit. At one friends wedding she assigned each of her friends a person to look after if they were going to be on their own at all, I got the grooms mother, someone else got unacompanied children.

If there is no one then ex should pay for someone, a babysitter / day nanny.

Definitely stay with her, ie book a b and b - treat yourself and partner to a nice trip. Did you say you had another dc or did I make that up? If so then enjoy having child to yourselves for a few hours.

Chaotic now that's bad

Is it weird then that exh's fiancee has only met our dd twice? I've never really thought about it to be honest.

I have no phone number for his new house (where he lives with his fiancee) and not even the address! Every time dd sees him either he comes up here for the day (and brought fiancee last time), or if dd goes down there she goes to his father's and exh moves back in for the night (he was living with the father until he moved in with fiancee).

I have no way of contacting the bride I don't know her number and I don't even know her last name!

Think we're going to book a b&b and all go down for the weekend. Still doesn't solve problem of no designated carer for the daytime but I've told him he needs to sort that (although he'll just ignore me). Just a shame my parents are on holiday that weekend or they would have done it all (although that would still be annoying as it would be my side that sorted it iyswim, but at least dd would have been very well looked after).

"Is it weird then that exh's fiancee has only met our dd twice?"

I dunno, but I know DP's 6yo Niece and 4yo Nephew well enough that DNephew comes to stay in the holidays (Niece has severe ASD, we try and give SIL some respite and DN some 1:1 attention) and that's after a 2 year relationship. We're not engaged yet, but when that happens the wedding will be planned around DNiece's needs so that she (and SIL) can be there for at least part of it...

"Is it weird then that exh's fiancee has only met our dd twice?"

As a mum and step-mum......imo yes. How can he be marrying someone who has no relationship with his dd? How does he know it'll even work, she might not even want to be a step-mum but doesn't know because she's spent next to no time with your dd. It's a tough job!

Dh and I had been together 4+ years when we got married. Our dd and his dd (10 at the time) were bridesmaids and my ds's were witnesses. The girls didn't need a designated carer...... we looked after our children. Surely they're part of the day too??

I think you should try to speak to the bride. She may have no idea what's going on, or about kids tbh! Does she have any?? A babysitter type scenario might be a good idea. That is, exh pays a teenager to attend and care for dd if he can't/won't do it himself. My dd is 5.5 and loves have a teenage girl babysit!

Op- YADNBU.

I would not be happy at all with this, even if my child was older. Who is she going to sit with and who will be looking after her? Those are questions I would want answering by my ex.
I would do the b&b thing, don't leave her with the drunk fil and girlfriend. I would collect her straight after the reception too, if she doesn't know anybody really well then that will be enough for her.

Good luck!
Btw is there any mention of bridesmaid at all? Surely she is high up on the list or have I missed that.

I don't understand why you or DP haven't had an invitation to attend the wedding with DD. I don't understand why your exH has made so little effort with his DD, especially in terms of his fiancee - is it not important to him that his DD knows and is comfortable with her step mother? Why is there such a lack of maturity here?

I would be concerned about sending DD at all if her father can't promise you that he will be able to keep an eye on her himself. I know he's getting married but DH and I got married after DS1 was born and we managed to throw a party and supervise him at the same time. My Mum was quite helpful too (think wedding dress, messy eleven month old, you know..) but he sees her every week, not once in a blue moon.

I think your DD would probably be quite confused and upset by being dumped (not implying that you or DP are dumping her, YKWIM) at a party full of people she doesn't know and then largely ignored by her father for the duration.

Could you maybe ask your ExH if there will be any other similarly aged children attending - could DD be introduced to one of the families before the wedding takes place, and maybe play with them on the day?

To try to answer questions:

Exh fiancee works with at risk children so I'm assuming will be ok with children. She has no children of her own (that I've been told about anyway).

I have no idea why she hasn't met dd more, I think because exH only visits every 4 - 5 weeks as it is so she probably hasn't had much chance. We've asked him to visit more often say every 2 weeks, but he won't as he says its too expensive. He did originally say that when he got a 'proper job' (was made redundant from very good job, then worked for an agency) he would come up more often but now he does have a very good job again he still doesn't

This is the man that wouldn't come to dd's play because he couldn't afford it (he's an architect) I gave him the petrol money as dd would have been distraught if he hadn't turned up.

She has been asked to be a flowergirl (at my prompting).

I think he would also probably want to keep DP/me away from his fiancee as (I imagine) he has told her all sorts of reasons why he doesn't see dd more often and knows if she did meet us the truth could come out. I don't know this for sure but I am guessing, because I can't see why a woman would want to be with him unless he'd lied about the situation iyswim?

Bloody ex's eh?!

He sounds like a nightmare!

He Sounds very thoughtless. What is she going to wear?

YANBU at all!

I would not be happy sending a 6yr old (or even older) without a designated trustworthy carer to look after her during the day.

Cna't believe your Exh is being so naive and immature.