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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding logistics problem with 6 year old dd any thoughts?

63 replies

BloodyWedding · 18/12/2011 17:28

Exh and I have been split for 4.5 years. He moved 2.5 hours away after we split, sees dd once a month-ish. I've asked him (as has dd) to see more but he won't.

He is now getting married. No problem with that at all. No feelings of that type between us. He is getting married somewhere 4 hours away from where dd and I live so an 8 hour round trip. He has asked dd to attend. He has come up with no ideas on how she gets there, who will look after her while there and how she will get back.

She does not want to stay overnight and to be fair I don't really want her to either for following reasons:

  1. only relative there that i know will be his father, dd sees him maybe three times a year. He has a new girlfriend I've never met and he will be sharing a room with her.
  2. His father got smashed at our wedding, I'm not sure he wouldn't do the same at this one and therefore I wouldn't want him looking after dd
  3. I wouldn't trust him to actually go to bed/the room when dd wants to, I think he would send her on her own and stay at the reception

We've asked exH for suggestions but his best so far is that dd goes with him on the Thursday when he goes to this place and returns on Tuesday when he comes back but can't stay with him Saturday as that's his wedding night! (Can see his point but where is she supposed to go Saturday??).

My DP has now said he will drive dd there and back on the same day and will go for a meal or something during the time of the wedding/reception.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off with exh for not making arrangements or coming up with possible suggestions and for the fact that when it was pointed out to him that it was a long way for dp to drive there and back said he'd give us half the petrol money? Grin

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 18/12/2011 17:53

I think its up to your ex to come up with a solution being a responsible adult to take responsibility for her for the duration, one of his sisters (or both together) sounds ideal. But a (female?) family friend would be fine as well.

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 18/12/2011 17:53

You don't want to be a "spectre at the feast" but a room full of rowdy drunk strangers, barely lit by flashing disco lights and with every word rendered inaudible by cheesy disco music, is not a safe place for a child.

And he will either be inviting you and your new family as guests or he will be paying for your petrol and B&B to be a taxi service and provide the adequate supervision he's incapable of organising.

I think a wedding reception could be a pretty terrifying place for a 6yo! it's my idea of hell and i'm 30

Original poster
BloodyWedding · 18/12/2011 18:00

Chaotic - bloody brilliant idea Grin

I'm glad I'm not being too unreasonable and I'm pleased other people feel she needs a designated carer too.

DD doesn't know the rest of exhs family at all, only the father and sister. The wider family are spread all over world so has only met say twice in her life.

She's met the bride to be twice too.

Think I'll talk to exh again (lucky me) and suggest the sister/bb/ dd in his room options and see what he says.

Thank you all Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodyWedding · 18/12/2011 18:39

Jesus Christ - Just spoke to him, wish I hadn't bothered.

The reception till 1am is at a different venue to the hotel. The hotel is 15mins away.

The venue is a 'hire whole thing' special place just for weddings, ie not a hotel with a separate bar/room we could hide in.

His suggestion is that she shares a 'family room' with his father/father's girlfriend but on closer questioning the 'family room' doesn't have a mutual door, ie its just two rooms next to each other, not connected. So he actually expects a 6 year old to spend the night in a hotel room on her own.

Mooted the question of him paying for a B&B for us. He laughed Angry

OP posts:
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 18/12/2011 18:52

Sounds like she won't be going then, as he can't take responsibility for his child's care Angry

And, in years to come when she asks, you can say "I'm sorry, darling, but Daddy was too busy getting married to look after you properly and I love you too much to take any chances leaving you with strangers for all that time"

RedHelenB · 18/12/2011 18:58

I don't get the big deal about children attending their parents weddings tbh.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 18/12/2011 18:58

I think you should stay nearby, can't just you & dd go? Why are you sending dp?

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 18/12/2011 18:59

Oh well, what a shame she isn't going. My dd wouldn't be under those conditions. He hasn't thought about her or her welfare one tiny bit.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 18/12/2011 18:59

I don't get the big deal about children attending their parents weddings tbh.

Why on earth not?!? She's his family , why shouldn't she be there?

myBOYSareBONKERS · 18/12/2011 18:59

I personally would not allow my children to go and they are older than yours. What if there was a fire? Would she be any-bodies priority?

It would really worry me.

I would put all of this in an email i.e your concerns and suggestions and ask for a response via email. Then you always have proof that you didn't stop your daughter going to the wedding but that it was an unsafe and unworkable situation.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 18/12/2011 19:00

She should be a bridesmaid!!

Christ I wouldn't remarry and not have my own kids there

LondonMumsie · 18/12/2011 19:10

Can you stay in the room that is to be your DDs?

Original poster
BloodyWedding · 18/12/2011 19:29

Dp has to go as I don't drive.

We asked if we could book same hotel but is fully booked for the wedding guests.

She's going to be a flower girl (because we prompted him, he didn't think of this on his own but I knew she'd be heartbroken if she wasn't 'something' ie bridesmaid/flower girl)

We've left it that he will go away and think of some more solutions (ahem) but probably DP will drive down and back the same day. He would bring her back after the first dance I think, about 8, get home for midnight. Just need exH to tell us who is going to look after dd during the day now.

Suggestion to go and stay overnight was good but thinking about dd(2) in a car for 8 hours (even over 2 days) doesn't fill me with joy, but if it has to be it has to be.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/12/2011 19:31

I have to say I don't think much of your ex's wife, marrying a man whose child she's only met twice.

Original poster
BloodyWedding · 18/12/2011 19:44

Imperial - that's an interesting point, I'd never thought of that. I've never met her. We did say when we split up that we'd meet each other's partners before they met dd and when I met DP he wasn't introduced to dd for a long while and the invitation to exh to meet him first was extended many times but exh didn't want to.

I asked re meeting the fiance but was told no

OP posts:
Stropzilla · 18/12/2011 20:20

Can you ALL go? Tell Exh that 6yo is not old enough to be anywhere alone, and that you and Dp will sit by the back but be there for DD. Maybe attend the reception for a little while then back to the B&B. If he decides this compromise isn't good enough, and really only wants her there, alone, he's not thinking of her interests at all. Part of me wonders if he's only invited her for the look of the thing :( . I'd be saying - via email - that if this isn't good enough for him then sadly his daughter will not be attending his wedding as noone will be taking parental responsibility for her and you are not willing to risk her safety over his groomzilla-ness. Well, bridezilla is used and I think he's being a bit of the male equivalent!

I wouldn't ask for any financial help on this one, as it sounds as tho it's going to cause some friction, and although it isn't fair on you I'd be doing all I could to get DD there.

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 18/12/2011 20:28

I was about 6 when my dad remarried. I was only invited tO the reception. We lived nearby, made our own way there and hardly saw my dad when we were there. I was quite upset at the time. Dd may not know SM very well, but he is her dad. IMO she should be going. But, her dad should be arranging for her to go. He should be showing her that he values her presence, and wants her to be there. Having been there, I'd never want my children to be in the situation that I was in as a child.

betabaker · 18/12/2011 20:37

I think you need to decide if you can organise it with/without his help, or maybe his fiancee's. If not, a gentle white lie to your DD - something vague and adult about hotels and bookings - wouldn't be out of order, as long as he knows you aren't 'Not letting her go'
She can send a present, and spend time with them looking at the photos, but at that age I don't think she'll remember not going for the rest of her life!

ImperialBlether · 18/12/2011 20:44

I think she should go for the wedding itself and that's it, tbh. There'll be a lot of hanging around with people taking photos etc and she won't know anyone.

Pretty shameful of him not to be the one thinking about this.

PicaK · 18/12/2011 21:21

What an arse - seems like you are well shot and that your new DP is such a sweetheart who will seriously put himself out for your child.

That said you have to get her there. She can't miss it.

Travellodges are clean, big and cheap if you book 6 months in advance. Just grit your teeth and make it easy for your daughter.

Check where she is sitting for the meal though - your ex has prob got her pencilled in to be on the table with his work mates.....

ZacharyQuack · 18/12/2011 22:06

I think you and your DP should gatecrash the wedding to be there to look after your DD. It sounds like no one else will be watching out for her, the poor lass.

Take a newspaper or a good book and sit at the back Xmas Grin Or wear the dress from your wedding to ex. [fevil]

zipzap · 18/12/2011 22:11

I'd try to speak to the new wife to be as well and give her the problem too - say that the best option so far that your ex has come up with is that dd shares their room on the wedding night 'as obviously there is no way a 6 yr old can be alone in a hotel room.' and that he will have to lOok after her during the ceremony and reception too, if she needs food or the loo or entertaining and that you are so glad that dd will have such a nice understanding stepmum etc etc :o. Might concentrate her mind on sorting something more suitable! And if there is room for her to be in by herself then could she share it with your dp, even if she has to be on a truckle bed.

Original poster
BloodyWedding · 18/12/2011 22:15

PicaK Grin you're probably right!

Zipzap & Zachary - very Grin too.

You lot have really cheered me up thank you. Especially the bit re dp being a sweetheart for putting himself out, he is very good with her, has been her 'dad' I suppose for 3 and a half years odd.

OP posts:
talkingnonsense · 18/12/2011 22:16

I think you need to speak to the bride, statistically speaking she is probably doing most of the planning. He may be telling her a different story too. Have you got a home number you could ring on?

LiegeAndLief · 18/12/2011 22:19

YAsoNBU. I have a 5yo ds and there is no way I would want him to attend a wedding essentially on his own. There needs to be someone she knows and you trust looking after her in the daytime, not just at night - what if she needs the toilet, or help getting food if buffet type thing, or finding where to sit, or just generally being entertained and looked after? She is only a child and unless much more mature than my 5yo really can't be expected to fend for herself at a wedding. Ds would be disorientated, very unsure of himself and upset in that kind of situation.

And definitely NO WAY would I leave him in a hotel room on his own without an interconnecting door.