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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh is lazy?

98 replies

SadieGeneration · 18/12/2011 13:28

We are moving in 3 weeks. We have a 1 year old I'm also pregnant in last trimester. We need to pack , do loads of stuff like garden as in rented , pack etc. The usual moving stuff.

Today I printed the mail redirection and filled in and will take tomorrow which is easy enough. I then packed up stuff from ds room that we won't need. I ran out of boxes so went to garage and dragged more boxes in that were flat packed in one large box.

I then made us lunch, we used the bread so just said we needed bread. Dh said he would pop to the shop as 5 mins away, so I text him a shopping list 11 items we need simple stuff like bread, milk, fruit etc. A basket full basically. He then went mad and said he didn't want to get all of that. He got a bag and stormed out in a huff. I took the big pram and went shopping twice this week filling up the shopping basket as I don't drive unlike dh. This isn't easy with ds.

He intends to watch 2 football matches later , he ironed a couple of work shirts earlier so don't see how he is going to help with packing.

I know he works all week and I'm sahm but I feel I am the only one trying to get organised for the move and he gets like a sulky teenager the minute we start trying to do anything and even going to the shop alone seems to be too big an ask.

He does have a stressful job but I'm getting sick of being treated like this. We are away for a week over Christmas so that's why we need to get on with packing and sorting house so we get deposit back. Aibu should I just do it myself and let him rest at the weekend?

OP posts:

OhdearNigel · 19/12/2011 13:06

You do have a job, OP. Looking after a 1 year old is your job and IME it's a considerable amount more stressful than even the most stressful job.

OhdearNigel · 19/12/2011 13:10

KittyFane, I assume that post is a joke. You packed your husband's clothes for him so he could go away for the weekend ???? Do you have "muppet" tattooed on your forehead

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 19/12/2011 13:12

The point of asking you where the airer is is to reinforce that all domestic work is YOUR responsibility. Not his. And don't you forget it.

He wanted to make sure you knew he was only helping, and it's still YOUR job, and you should be pathetically grateful to him for his help.

You decided not to play his game, and pointed out he was being a dope. So your punishment was to be told you're unattractive when you call attention to his twattery, and you got ignored for the rest of the evening.

This is supposed to condition you to just do everything yourself from now on and not bother him. Happily I don't think you're going to fall for it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 13:18

There are some women on this thread who might as well have "doormat, wipe your feet here" tattooed on their forehead

These toddler-men, enabled by capable women who can't see how much they are being disrespected

It's very sad

Original poster

SadieGeneration · 19/12/2011 13:52

anyfucker I don't think I'm a doormat but I'm sure there are men out there who do more than my dh. He might well be suggesting washing is my job by asking where the airer is but perhaps I should make him a map so he doesn't get lost next time. Im not going to get stressed about it now, quite a lot is packed mainly by me! So he can pull his finger out and get on with the rest of it and his mother will not be doing it , she can help with ds and help me with cleaning so we leave it in a decent state .

OP posts:

OhCobblers · 19/12/2011 14:22

AFFAMP I agree. I generally try and stay away from posting on these threads as i can't believe how some people can be treated as such mugs and doormats. I would never in a million years put up with this treatment or behaviour.

lolaflores · 19/12/2011 14:47

Sadie, both you and his mum are pulling him out of the shit pile he has created. I am so sorry that he is such a waster, don't allow him to continue being one on your time.

Original poster

SadieGeneration · 19/12/2011 15:01

Lolaflores dh isn't a waster he works very hard leaves before 7am home at 7pm. Our house isn't a shit pile or did you mean situation in that post? Like I said I'm not doing any packing now so he has over 50% of it to do himself.

I did more housework when we both worked full time without dc but I used to have 1 day off in the week so did housework then so we could spend the one day I was off at the weekend together. However now things are very different but dh obviously got used to not doing much housework or tidying. He will soon wake up and smell the coffee when the next baby arrives and I have no chance to do it.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 19/12/2011 15:44

No I meant the state of his marriage to be honest. And you would do housework alone, to have time together. Set out your stall from the get go. They will not change, and playing brinkmanship will not make a difference. He will not wake up. I can guarantee that. You cannot be responsible for him, you can only do what you need for yourself. I think you intriniscally see the house work as your area "I have no chance to do it", you spent your one day off in the week doing housework. You need to let go of it as your domain too.

mynewpassion · 19/12/2011 15:48

So you are saying he's not lazy generally but just lazy a couple of days because of football?

Original poster

SadieGeneration · 19/12/2011 15:57

Ok so my marriage is a shit pile instead lola!
I do think as a sahm normally I would do more housework and I am happy with that. As I'm heavily pregnant he has been hoovering stairs and upstairs so don't have to drag dyson up. He does a few bits like emptying dishwasher but never dusts , tidies , mops kitchen etc. I find normally I can do most things with ds but when I have a newborn too he will have to help out more and put the effort in at weekends which he did when ds was born.

My main point is the moving issue and him barely packing anything up for two days at the weekend. I think that was pretty lazy. If he wanted to watch footie fine but why not pack on the Sat instead. Also it's the general huffy vibe he gives off when actually doing anything. As if it's not his stuff too.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 19/12/2011 16:13

sorry, when you asked is my DH lazy, and then you described the living nightmare you were having getting your house sorted out to move. So, is he lazy? It sounds like you allow him to be lazy, enable his laziness and then moan about it. Which way do you want this, he is lazy, or he isn't? He puts in the effort sometimes, or doesn't? He watches footie, he is lazy? He didn't listen to your suggestion to do it on Saturday? Thoughtless.
You are sounding quite confused dear heart.

Original poster

SadieGeneration · 19/12/2011 16:28

I'm not confused at all but thanks for your concern . I told him I had made a list of what needing doing on Friday night. I didn't tell him to do anything on Saturday it's up to him to decide to do things , same as I decided to do it on Sun and had a rest Sat afternoon after finishing Christmas shopping.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 19/12/2011 16:35

To me, he was procrastinating with a bit of laziness throw in but I think you were also exaggerating a bit.

GooKingWenceslas · 19/12/2011 16:47

KittyFane I would have been tempted to set fire to the bag.

but I am in a mood today.

EasilyDistracted77 · 19/12/2011 16:56

I'm afraid your DH sounds a lot like many other men who have grown up having their mother do everything for them. So, it's now your duty to make sure your DS doesn't grow up like that :)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 17:35

Yes, too many women step right into the shoes of mummy for these mummy's boys

The problem is, when your own children see you passing on the fallacy that housework is women's work, it heads up the next generation too

diddl · 19/12/2011 17:36

It seems to me that a lot of men are just inherently lazy-if they can get away with it.

My daughter automatically started doing things for herself much younger than my son.

For example looking after her own room, making drinks/toast etc for herself.

With my son I had to "make" him do things by refusing to do them myself iyswim.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 17:46

I would be lazy, if I could get away with it

You get (in this situation, not all eg. not in an abusive relationship) the behaviour you will settle for

So, if you enable laziness in a bloke, don't be surprised if that is exactly what you get

Insomnia11 · 19/12/2011 17:52

I shared a house with three other women at university. One of them (who is still a dear friend) insisted on doing all the chores but then would moan about us not helping. This provided me with a valuable insight into what not to do when I live with someone. If you do everything for someone, they will let you and come to expect it, it's not a man thing. So don't.

Original poster

SadieGeneration · 19/12/2011 17:52

Apart from the moving issue and me being pregnant , if a sahm do you think we should split housework equally then? I would have thought a sahm usually does the majority of housework?

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:02

No, I don't sadie, that is not the crux of this thread, though is it ?

I work PT

When DH is at work, and I am at home (like today), I do the jobs that need doing that day that day eg. food shopping and laundry after the weekend

On the days we both work, we share chores equally in the evening eg clooking, sorting out kids, some cleaning

At weekends, we again split things. Child care, cleaning.

There is no way on earth I would spend a precious day off in the work doing all the chores so he could have a full day off at the weekend. Why is his leisure time more important than yours ? That is madness.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:03

clooking ? cooking

mynewpassion · 19/12/2011 18:07

If there is a SAHP, then he/she should do the majority of the housework. Weekends and evenings are shared.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:09

Evn though I don't work 5 days a week, my weekends are equally as precious as his

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