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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by my childless SIL's attitude to my kids?

66 replies

Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:03

We don't see them much as they live quite far, but when we do she completely ignores my two children, while expecting us to make a fuss over her dogs. She seems to love it if we tell the kids off, and expects them to be perfectly behaved and quiet all day. Her husband (my DH's brother) is ok with the kids, and I feel he would be more affectionate if it wasn't for her. I feel sorry for her but can't help the resentment I feel... I'm not sure how to deal with it, we will see them again over the Xmas period...

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 16:06

Are your children a bit boisterous or naughty when they go to her house?

Not everyone is going to adore your kids in the same way that you do, and she may well be resentful of you too, if she has been unable to have kids.

I dont think you need to do anything to "deal" with it.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 16:06

Smile and be polite through gritted teeth of course Smile

And don't treat your children any differently, she doesn't get to tell you how to behave with them.

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 16:11

Some people don't like children. That's her problem - if I were you I would avoud spending time with her as much as possible.

StupidLikeButton · 17/12/2011 16:12

Don't stay there all day....

mynewpassion · 17/12/2011 16:13

Maybe her dogs are her pseudo kids. She wants you to love them and pour affection on them as you want her to do to your kids.

samandi · 17/12/2011 16:13

Why do you feel sorry for her?

samandi · 17/12/2011 16:15

She seems to love it if we tell the kids off, and expects them to be perfectly behaved and quiet all day.

If she's anything like me, perhaps she just doesn't like it when kids are a pain in the butt, especially when they're in her home and running around doing things they're not supposed to be doing, and their parents refuse to tell them off.

Original poster
Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:16

Thanks, I am taking the smile-and-be-polite approach, and I understand not everyone will find my children as funny and charming as we do. They can be boisterous sometimes, but not when we are there (I tell them to behave before we go in, and I think they sense they are not welcome). But to ignore them is plain rude, they are human beings too, and part of her husband's family. Once she asked my three year old, who could't remember who she was, to give her a kiss. When the child didn't oblige she replied "well, stuff you then".... Sad

OP posts:
Takeresponsibility · 17/12/2011 16:17

This may be completely up the wrong tree here but

Is she ttc or can't have children?

Maybe she feels slightly resentful that you have children, or she may feel that her life would be perfect if she had kids, and feel slightly better that you have the perfect family set up (in her eyes) but your kids are not as well behaved as her (substitute for children?) dogs?

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 16:20

Some people don't know how to talk to children, and I felt sorry for the people in the supermarket this morning when they were treated to DD2s high pitched crying, because you do get used to it a bit and forget what it's like to not be a parent.

Original poster
Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:24

I happen to love dogs, so do my children, and we do make a fuss over them. I make the point to talk about them, etc. My children do not run around, they sit on the sofa playing with my phone or their ds, and when they ask for paper to do a drawing (I forgot to bring some last time) she gives them a tiny scrap and tells them not to ask for more. If we want to see each other from time to time we should all be understanding, not just us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:27

yes, maybe she wanted kids and couldn't have them, I don't know. But I don't like my children to be treated like that, like I wouldn't like to be treated like that.

OP posts:
Panda1234 · 17/12/2011 16:30

This all sounds really one-sided.

Asking your 3 year old for a kiss is hardly being unaffectionate or ignoring her, and it sounds like she tried to make a joke when your DC said 'no'.

You say you feel sorry for her but haven't said why. If she can't have kids then I doubt she'll want to be pitied - maybe she's picking up vibes from you as well as you picking them up from her?

buggyRunner · 17/12/2011 16:31

My sil used to be a bit like this- not liking me bfeeding, thinks kids shouldn't watch tv, go out for lunch etc. Yet we found out they were ttc for a long time and are preg now (due shortly Smile) and she is so much nicer. Think it must have been tough for her (as dp and I got preg v quickly both times and have been together far less time than her and dbil.)

I am looking forward to her eating her words Grin

LoveInAColdClimate · 17/12/2011 16:31

YANBU. I have been really stung by my SIL's total lack of interest in the fact that we are expecting her first niece/nephew. It's not U to expect your DCs' aunt to take an interest in them and engage appropriately with them.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 17/12/2011 16:32

Well, tell her then.

You are allowed to tell someone when you find their behaviour objectionable. You don't have to grit your teeth and take it. You can tell them how you feel.

If you choose not to do that because you decide that you are not willing to accept the consequences of doing it - eg falling out - then that is a choice that you have made and really all you can do is remember that you have chosen to say nothing because you prefer it to tackling her about it.

Rocky12 · 17/12/2011 16:33

OP - I get the feeling you are somewhat smug about all of this. My children are the centre of the universe and everyone should find them as adorable as I do. And do your children really not run around!! You dont seem to accept her dogs (which are often like children to some people) but fully expect her to accept your children. Maybe she is ttc or maybe she just isnt keen on children....

motherinferior · 17/12/2011 16:35

I really didn't like people feeling sorry for me when I didn't have children.

Also, three year olds are in the main quite hard work, I find.

So I think perhaps she finds it all quite hard too.

Original poster
Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:35

We always make the effort to visit when they are around, every few years. As we are obviously such a pain,maybe we should stop, let them visit us. All happy.

OP posts:
Snowy27 · 17/12/2011 16:38

How old are your children?
My OH is not a 'child' person- he likes children (we're having our own!) but he doesn't know how to talk to or play with young children, before I moved in he never had them round as he found his nieces intimidating and having spent no time with children had no idea what to expect behaviour-wise from them, plus our house was not at all child 'friendly'. Now they're a bit older he finds it easier, he can have a conversation of sorts with the eldest and he's happy to cuddle the little one.
Could this be the problem?

Of course she could just be a cow!

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 16:38

It might be one of those situations hecate, and I know them well, where if you did tell someone (especially when they're family) what you feel about the way they're behaving, that WWIII will break out.

No matter how calm or rational the way you say it is.

It's easy to say 'just tell her', but sometimes it's not worth the fallout if you don't see them that often.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2011 16:40

Have you tried talking to her about it?

You could start by saying you don't want to hurt her, but you're getting the feeling these visits aren't going as well for her as you'd hope, and is there a problem? And then work up to the kids thing.

I don't have a lot of sympathy with her if she just can't be arsed with them or expects them to be silent all the time, or whatever. But as people have said, it might be there are other reasons and maybe if she confides in you, you will both be able to feel better and work out ways to make the visits better for all of you.

Maybe she feels looked down on because she doesn't have kids?

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 17/12/2011 16:41

But I said that. Grin "If you choose not to do that because you decide that you are not willing to accept the consequences of doing it - eg falling out -..."

Telling someone how you feel is always an option. You just have to decide if it's what you want to do or not, based on what you think might happen and whether you are prepared to deal with that.

Original poster
Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:43

yes, I can confirm that my kids, 9 and 4, don't run around, scream or fight! they do in our house, of course, but not their's...

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 16:47

hehe sorry hecate, skim reading again Grin

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