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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by my childless SIL's attitude to my kids?

66 replies

Vi8 · 17/12/2011 16:03

We don't see them much as they live quite far, but when we do she completely ignores my two children, while expecting us to make a fuss over her dogs. She seems to love it if we tell the kids off, and expects them to be perfectly behaved and quiet all day. Her husband (my DH's brother) is ok with the kids, and I feel he would be more affectionate if it wasn't for her. I feel sorry for her but can't help the resentment I feel... I'm not sure how to deal with it, we will see them again over the Xmas period...

OP posts:

tigermoll · 19/12/2011 11:22

Bang on Scuttlebutter

I don't especially like children (even the ones I'm related to, shock horror) and when friends/relations bring them to my house, I try to be warm and polite. But I'm just not that interested in children, so I'm not going to play with them, ask them lots of questions, or want to brush their hair, hold them or whatever. I do find it wearing when they run around, make a noise, interrupt conversation, and need attention, - I understand that this is all perfectly normal/natural for children to do, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy it. I don't like kids, and if someone was cross with me for for not paying their children enough attention, I would consider that quite U.

scrappydoodah · 19/12/2011 11:24

Why should she have any interest in your kids? She has invited them, which is kind given her obviously discomfort round them, and is ignoring them not being overtly horrible.

What do you want, a fan fare?

I loathe kids, and love dogs. I am sure I'd be exactly the same in her position (but add in some pained grimacing when they do that squealing thing kids do)

ss145118 · 19/12/2011 11:26

Some people are simply self centered and lack empathy- the fact you have children isn't going to make them any different. She's interested in her dogs and no amount of talking is going to make her interested in your kids. She should make an effort because that would be nice but it sounds like it's not going to happen. Probably if she had her own kids she would still not be interested in yours. Just don't bother making an effort then you can't be disappointed.

redrubyshoes · 19/12/2011 11:32

Agree with Scuttlebutter and also OP - are you totally charmed with every child you meet?

Before DC's I was very hands on with some of the nieces and nephews and not others. I took my cue from the parents on that one.

Laquitar · 19/12/2011 11:44

I hate the threads when everybody 'feels sorry' for the unmarried or childless woman.

No wonder so many women rush into bad marriages or children they don't even want deep down.

Kewcumber · 19/12/2011 11:45

it doesn't sound to me like teh OP expects her SIL to be "charmed" by her children (and I reread it several times in case I'd missed it!) she would like them to be treated politely (ir not ignored or grumped at).

My family are not all "charmed" by DS - some are some aren't but if anyone doesn't treat him at least as politely as everyone else my mum (our matriach!) makes it clear very quickly that isn't acceptable. If you expect to be included in family occasions then you treat everyone with the same courtesy whether you get on personally with them or not.

I would at the very least get your D to ask his brother if there is a particular problem that you can help with as she is making visits uncomfortable for you and would like to avoid a repeat of it this christmas.

Maybe she just finds small children irritating and if you can't handle her behaviour then you either need to stop going or plan to do something else whilst you are there and just pop in for a quick visit.

OrmIrian · 19/12/2011 11:55

She doesn't like kids. I didn't much before I had my own and found them irritating even when they were well-behaved. I used to have to really grit my teeth and make a huge effort to make anyone's kids welcome in my home. She probably is trying to be friendly - she might be even worse if she wasn't making an effort!

redrubyshoes · 19/12/2011 12:00

Can't you arrange something that involves everyone like a boardgame or DVD so they are not sitting playing computer games?

ohanotherone · 19/12/2011 12:05

I wouldn't bother taking the children there! If DH wants to see DB, then he can do that, why would anyone want to spent 4 hours round trip in a car to see someone who is rude (stuff you to a 3 year old is pretty disgusting behaviour) and never gets them presents and is forced to be licked by their dogs, yuk. Even my DH's slightly dysfunctional batchelor DB manages a simple present. Just tell DH that! The world would be a much better place if people stopped being ridiculously polite for no good reason. I'm sure SIL would be mightily releived and can crack open a can of special brew and relax with DH!

redwineformethanks · 19/12/2011 12:07

I like most children but not dogs. Each to his own. Maybe she's upset if she thinks that you don't make an effort with her dogs?

If your SIL only sees your children rarely, maybe she's disappointed that they sit and play on your phone or on their own DS games, instead of engaging with their relatives? These DS games make really annoying noises. When parents are used to the noise, I think they don't realise intrusive they can be

CamperFan · 19/12/2011 12:11

Unless you are genuinely concerned for your SIL (which I suspect you are not?), I honestly think that if you only see them once every few years, I would just keep the visits as short as you can and politely put up with it. If your children notice the rudeness then you can give them a suitable reason on the way home. If your SIL says something completely inappropriate then politely but firmly point this out when it happens.

ViviPrudolf · 19/12/2011 13:09

Great post, scuttie, thanks for saving me the trouble, agree and empathise with everything you put.

ViviPrudolf · 19/12/2011 13:10

Ditto Camper

Ephiny · 19/12/2011 13:28

If it wasn't for the ages of the children, I'd think you were my SIL, OP!

I honestly just have no interest in her kids and no wish to interact with them in any way. I'd never criticise them in front of her, but I do find them quite noisy and irritating and badly-behaved, and if I'm honest I don't like them very much (or any children really).

My dog is much, much nicer, and more pleasant company, in my entirely unbiased opinion :)

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/12/2011 13:32

Vi8
"The problem is we only get to see them every few years. My husband wants to see his brother so it's difficult."

big clue in this statement

ceebie · 19/12/2011 13:43

Why doesn't your DH arrange to meet up with his brother from time to time, without the rest of you being involved? That's the most important relationship to maintain, and would save everyone else from unwanted visits.

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