to be offended by my childless SIL's attitude to my kids?

[Vi8]

We don't see them much as they live quite far, but when we do she completely ignores my two children, while expecting us to make a fuss over her dogs. She seems to love it if we tell the kids off, and expects them to be perfectly behaved and quiet all day. Her husband (my DH's brother) is ok with the kids, and I feel he would be more affectionate if it wasn't for her. I feel sorry for her but can't help the resentment I feel... I'm not sure how to deal with it, we will see them again over the Xmas period...

She sounds like a spoilt badly behaved child herself.Can you just not visit, maybe they will cop on if they realise they are bein6 a little rude to their visitors.

You can't chan6e her, just your own reaction. I would avoid if possible or else I'ld keep the trip short,or finally invite them to yours and then everythin6 will be on your terms.

Tbh I think it's a bit strange that you haven't even considered that maybe she's awkward because she has fertility problems. That would be my first thought.

You seem upset with her behaviour and judging her for it without even wondering if there's a decent reason for it. And now that it's been suggested, you still dont' seem too interested in it, and are thinking of just not seeing them anymore. This makes me think you are possibly BU.

panda I agree - OP I'm not sure anything you've said points to her really being nasty to your kids. You say she asked for a kiss? Surely that is showing attention? And I think 'stuff you' might just have been joking for the grown-ups' benefit.

I agree it's not a great joke but some people just feel awkward around children. I know I do around other people's.

Also, I find it quite odd that you say she is childless - and you feel sorry for her. Why? Do you assume that she wants children? I wonder if you do assume that and if it rather shows: she may find that annoying.

One of the few times in my adult life I have been genuinely irritated with my super-laid-back DSis3 is when I said I didn't want children and she said, 'So you'll just be the doting aunt, then!'

Something to think about. I don't see my cousin's kids often. Maybe at most four times a year. If I make an effort and they react like they are scared of me because they don't know who I am, then I step back from them. I don't try to push myself on them. I let them become comfortable around me.

To others it might seem as if I am ignoring their kids as I am not interacting with them but I am not. Its about letting them know they are in a safe and can trust me.

I have two nephews and a niece, who I see at least once every 2 weeks. We get along fine because they know who I am and trust me.

Just a thought.

Did the OP say she felt sorry for her Because she is childless or

She felt sorry for her (1 point)
She is childless (Seperate unrelated fact) ?

Maybe OP feels sorry for her because she is socially awkward.

Once she asked my three year old, who could't remember who she was, to give her a kiss. When the child didn't oblige she replied "well, stuff you then".... Sad

Actually, entirely understandable for someone who isn't used to children, and their lovable ways

Ok, this may be off target, so feel free to ignore...but sometimes it is not unheard of me to decide I don't like someone/their behaviour (often because I think they don't like me/my behaviour), and then pick evidence which 'confirms' that they are not likable, and therefore I am right

And they are wrong

Whereas in fact, it's all entirely understandable

Of course, I'm just talking about myself here. Again.

I expect very little from them... my kids have never had a birthday or xmas present from them, and I don't care that much. I think she has issues with alcohol, and I feel sorry for her for that reason, also she's now too old to have kids. But I am my children's mother and of course don't like the situation. When she said "stuff you then" she wasn't joking, as she then left the room while everyone felt uncomfortable. She also doesn't like it if I wash the children's hands after playing with the dogs and being liked by them, she makes the point to say dog's saliva is clean, etc. I don't want an upset, so we'll keep the next visit shorter, although it's hard as it takes a couple of hours to get there.

It could also be that her reactions aren't really to do with you.

My in-laws keep on at me to have children. I have a baby niece and I am so happy about her, but I do find it difficult to be gushy and excited to my brother and his wife when I'm feeling got at by the other side of the family to hurry up and have children. Of course I hope this doesn't show! But without talking to your SIL about what is making her act like this, you won't know whether her intentions are good or not. There are just too many reasons why she might be coming across the way she does.

Can't possibly tell who's BU without being a fly on the wall

While I like children in general there are some kids I can't warm to and hate that they are not told off in my house when they are being destructive and obnoxious. Your children might be like that, they might not.

Sorry, cross-posted.

I have to say, reading your post I feel really sorry for her too.

Please do try to talk to her about it. Saying 'stuff you' isn't nice (though I hope your child didn't realize), and it does suggest there's something really wrong.
Or what does your DH's brother think? Maybe your DH could have a word with him?

If she really does not like children or can't take these visits, it might be better to get your BIL out for days on his own with your family.

I think it would be interesting to know what she was like with you before you had children. Sorry, this is not very tactful but I wonder if it's not you she might have issues with, not your children?

This might be unfair on you, but all your posts sounds as though you do take a patronising attitude to her - 'childless SIL', feeling sorry for her, suspecting she has issues with alcohol, yet politely allowing for her....... I just wonder if she sees that you are obviously not keen on her and perhaps feeling a bit superior to her?

'ooo well same to you too" was the type of response that the very popular childrens entertainer I saw last week gave (to the huge amusement of the kids) to certain set up scenarios

I think there are many curcumstances where "stuff you too" is acceptable.

The problem is we only get to see them every few years. My husband wants to see his brother so it's difficult. I don't know what he thinks, but I don't want to raise the issue, as other members of the family have been upset by her intolerance and impatience towards everything and told her husband. I don't want to add wood to the fire.

Stuff you too is never acceptable to a 3 year old.

Then OP I would honestly leave it. From what you now say it seems as though maybe YANBU about her behaviour, but if you only have to deal with less than once a year, then leave it. I have a difficult relationship with my father but would expect my DP to be polite to him on the rare occasions we see him, even though my DF doesn't always reciprocate - it's just what you do with 'difficult' family members IMO.

Yes, I think you are right, Yonder... I'm just worried as there is another visit scheduled over the festive season... thanks

Well, if you're not prepared to tackle it and your DH can't talk to his brother, there's not a lot to do, is there?

I think there are ways and ways of talking to people, and if you're sure it'd be 'adding wood to the fire', well, maybe you need to be a bit more tactful? (Or quite possibly she needs to be less sensitive).

The flipside of saying other family members have been offended is the obvious conclusion that you all talk about her amongst yourselves, which isn't terribly nice really.

She's a stranger to your kids if you see them once every 2-3 years for a few hours. I wouldn't expect kids to take to her or her to be comfortable around them, especially as she doesn't have kids so kid-interaction is foreign to her.

It would be different if you saw each other more often.

If you just wanted your opinion confirmed, why come on here?

If you want to prove you're 'nice' and 'right', why not do the really brave thing and give her a call?

It takes a whle to get used to children, so she may just feel uncomfortable if she doesn't see them very often. She may feel awkward or just not like children very much - I know many people like that. Surely not everyone you meet loves your children? It's not like you have to see her very often, so I think just accept it. She might not be enjoying the visits either and is doing her best in her own way.

I'm a childless SIL/aunt, who also has dogs and also lives a few hours away from family so don't see family children that often (no alcohol issues as far as I know).

A few thoughts. If other family members don't get on with her/find her difficult, then that suggests it isn't about your DC but more about how she relates to your family as a whole - perhaps she finds your clan a bit difficult to talk to/relate to en masse.

People who have children (particularly under 5s) forget how incredibly noisy and tiring your DC can be. She may genuinely not know how to relate to them. She may well have difficulties understanding their speech if they are toddlers just beginning to talk. She may not have a childproofed house. She could well be very concerned about the interaction of your DC and the dogs, especially if they are not used to small, noisy randomly moving creatures in their space. Every parent thinks their child is well behaved in company - unfortunately this is not the case.

She may find it difficult that every adult conversation is either interrupted or is entirely about the latest wonders of PFB. Not every woman is particularly enamoured of DC, nor should they be.

Also you seem to be giving her husband a much easier ride. Why is this? Why are we so critical of women who don't gush and coo over small children, but men get given a pass - "I'm sure he'd be keen if she let him". FFS, he's an adult - if he wants to, then he will.

You clearly don't like her, and you sound patronising and judgemental in your views of her. I'm sure this comes through when you meet, and she may well have given up and thought she shouldn't bother with smug mummy.

Of course, she could also be a rude, ignorant cold person - in which case you have a decision to make about how much time you spend with her.

And why mention that they (as a couple) haven't bought presents? You say this doesn't matter, but if that were true then why mention it? Again, her DH is just as capable as buying gifts as she is - so why is this her fault? Do you/your family measure how people feel by the gift they give? If your DC are very young, then there is no way they will know or remember who has given them gifts. At that age, it is all about impressing the doting parents. For all you know, they could have started a savings acc for your DC, or be struggling financially and can't afford to buy gifts, or perhaps they just don't choose to - it's not a hanging offence.

Without knowing more, think you are probably BU.

If you only see each other every few years, then you are virtually strangers for a start, and she can only have met your children a couple of times.. and maybe the youngest only once as a baby, which seems hardly enough assume that she will be the same again this time you see her.

I didn't like other people's children before I had my own. Now I have one I still don't like other people's. What's more I don't expect others to like mine. When they do then of course I'm delighted, but I don't expect it. Seems pretty normal to me.

Agree with Scuttlebutter.

Before I had children I was completely unable to relate to children. None of my friends or family had young children and I was quite simply uninterested.

She's probably the same. As it is, she hasn't had children of her own so hasn;t had to change her attitude.