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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

playdates? give and take?

71 replies

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:20

I am from a different culture and haven't been in the UK that long so I am still very confused and need your help.
Invitations? How does it work here? What is right & what is wrong?
I seem to invite children so they come with their parents, they don't invite my ds to theirs but they are always happy to come to ours and even invite themselves to our home; (Shall we get the dc together? Shall we come over next weel/this Friday?).
Is it normal here?
I really appreciate any posts on this because I am really confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:23

ANY :(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/12/2011 22:26

It is usually a bit of give and take, not strictly one for one, probably averaging out over time.

But if you haven't been in the UK long and want your DC to find a group of friends, that could be a reason to have them over a bit more than being asked back?

I mean you'd be doing it for a reason for your DC rather than sticking to the normal way things turn out.

A good way for you to meet the parents as well, if you're up for that kind of thing Smile

thepeoplesprincess · 16/12/2011 22:29

Take it as a compliment on your home.

I always invite myself to other people's because my flat is a shithole.

MitroChristmasEve · 16/12/2011 22:30

There is usually some reciprocation of invitations - that is normal and polite here.

However, some people are very keen to get out of their own houses (and let their children make a mess elsewhere). You seem to have found the few people who like to invite themselves - most people don't do this.

If you don't want to be hosting all the time, then suggest meeting at softplay or swimming pool, or just say something like: "Oh yes, my DC is dying to come to yours to play with your kids toys!"

If you have a larger house and / or garden than the other parents, then the others may think it is less trouble for you to host (whether that's true or not!).

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:53

MitroChristmasEve: I think you are right about the house, garden,...It is no trouble at all but I can't help it is very rude and selfish of them to do so all the time. I feel they make no effort at all.
I take it as a compliment but I still feel bad as I am not used to this way. I am afraid that I will just stop trying :(

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GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/12/2011 23:00

Well they obviously like your company. They are rude though not to return the invite but it doesn't sound like it's personal, perhaps more just a reflection of their circumstances or home.

I would casually mention that your dcs have been talking about going to their friends house next time. Or perhaps just be upfront and say "lets do it yours this time, my place is a mess" or something.

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:06

Trust me I have done it all before I started this thread.
By the way the other parents invite each other back??!!! Yes sure they live in similar houses and mine is different but I am no snob.

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AgentZigzag · 16/12/2011 23:08

Don't stop trying Smile

You might find your DC start to prefer some over others and you'll invite different children round and find out who invites back, or which you don't mind not inviting yours back because your DC get so much out of them coming round?

It's not unchangable, and try not to take it too seriously.

Go into the invites solely for the reason that you're doing it because it's something your DC like to do, if you get an invite back then you're quids in.

xyfactor · 16/12/2011 23:33

I don't like the term playdates.
What's happened to children finding their own friends?

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:39

Sorry about the use of the word 'playdates' I wouldn't choose to use it either (English is not my 1st or even 2nd) however parenst at my ds school use it so I did.
My ds invites his friends , I don't invite the parents and that's why I am confused about the whole thing.

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xyfactor · 16/12/2011 23:50

BlueElephant90 no apologies needed :)
It's me that should apologise for my clumsiness although I do hate the term.
Not the person who uses it.
Your English is a lot better than my second language of German.

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:54

xyfactor :) tHANK YOU

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:55

Thank you

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pigletmania · 16/12/2011 23:56

Well yes imho it should be reciprocated, and you do reserve the right to say no, or dc would love to come over to yours and see what they say.

xyfactor · 16/12/2011 23:57

No probs.
I wish you well in your endeavours Xmas Smile

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2011 23:59

Blimey this thread has turned very formal all of a sudden Grin

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:05
Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 00:06

Thank you piglet, I have tried but they don't seem to get the hint. The answer usually will be like 'yes that will be lovely, perhaps before half term? let me check it when I get home.and will get back to you...' few days later( thinking I have forgotten) 'oh my ds is missing yours shall we get them together? I would love to see you as well, shall we come on...?'
Then I say no as I will be this or this...few days later the same thing all over again...
I am tired of it :( My ds likes his friends and his friends like him but this is a nightmare, silly really, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:08

How long has it been going on BE?

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2011 00:08

Ziggers do you realise your smoking jacket is actually....errrm smoking? Xmas Shock

Blue I've been a Mum for 20 years and have never experienced this so. I wouldn't say it's particularly typical of our 'culture'

You get weird/ignorant/odd people in every corner of the world. It seems you're just unlucky enough to have got quite a few of them.

pigletmania · 17/12/2011 00:09

blue you sound too nice, I would say to them, well we are quite busy so will get back to you on that one. Or shall we meet in the park and play. There are some people who are just takers.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:13

'I'll have that thank you'

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 17/12/2011 08:18

Ask them what day they are thinking of and then say

Yes we're free, how about we come to you for a change? It isn't convenient to come to mine.

Shock at English being your third language. Am very jealous that you have such brilliant language skills.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 17/12/2011 08:34

I think you're going to have to be more assertive. Next time say "yes a playdate would be great, lets do it at your house this time, tomorrow?"

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 08:48

I am new to having children over and was very surprised that BOTH parents came with their child. I thought one would be fine to check things out but not both and not each visit.

I did as GlueSticksEverywhere recommended and said 'yes getting together would be great but I would rather come to your house this time. With one family we host five times to their one; they never get together with all three families - some people are selfish and rude . If the children didn't get on well I wouldn't bother. I can't choose my son's friends ( as much as I would like toXmas Grin)