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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

playdates? give and take?

71 replies

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:20

I am from a different culture and haven't been in the UK that long so I am still very confused and need your help.
Invitations? How does it work here? What is right & what is wrong?
I seem to invite children so they come with their parents, they don't invite my ds to theirs but they are always happy to come to ours and even invite themselves to our home; (Shall we get the dc together? Shall we come over next weel/this Friday?).
Is it normal here?
I really appreciate any posts on this because I am really confused!

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 17/12/2011 08:56

Egg Both parents! That's not, really not, supposed to happen unless you specifically invite them both! That's shocking!

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 09:13

We opened the door like me Xmas Shock DH Xmas Shock and DS Xmas Grin. Not only did they both come they expected dinner.

They have very thick skin and are a bit strange. We have started to meet as a group of three families and do this at teatime Saturdays. They have asked if we can change it to either during the week (because both their DC stay at the GPs on Sat and Sun night) or on a Friday cos we get a takeaway and they like Chinese. No is a full sentence Xmas Wink

mummytime · 17/12/2011 09:30

If both parents come over its a bad sign. They never did it to me, but one set of "odd" parents used to do this to a friend. She'd invite one little boy over, and would end up with the whole family. Personally I suspect the whole family is on the spectrum and in denial
OP I would just counter any suggestions with, well how about we come to yours, or even the sorry I can't do it at mine its a tip at present (even if its not) or whatever.
Its easier in summer as you can suggest meeting up at the park instead.

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 09:54

From all the posts above I can see that I am just not assertive enough. I am very assertive in many ways but not in situations like this. If a child flaps their eye lids I'll go yes go on come over but then I always end up with the whole family...I'll work on that.

worraliberty: I am glad to hear it and I really hope to have similar experiences to yours. So far I haven't been lucky.

Agentzigzag: a year and a half!

ThatsNotSanta: Thank you I am still working at it. I like tha brummy accent by the way:)

OP posts:
Eggrules · 17/12/2011 09:57

Yep - whole family here too. Some people socialise this way Xmas Confused

Time for hints are over BlueElephant90. I don't think it is rude to say it would be great to get together but would rather it was at your house. Kids like visiting and checking out other people's toys.

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 10:01

I think my DS's friend has been coached to ask if he can come over. I always say say not today but I will talk to Mummy/Daddy about coming over in a few weeks. Pester power doesn't work. I repeat 'Not today and /or I will talk to mummy'.

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 10:20

Eggrules: Sorry for some reason I didn't see your posts and the answers. So I am not alone? That's what I get most of the time. Yes I do order Chineese sometime if people don't leave and it is time for dinner. I find it rude to feed the dcs but not the adults around so I do the best I can in a short time; order...?

OP posts:
catchertrain · 17/12/2011 10:29

I think if it's dinner time and they've been at yours a while its fine to just say "we've having dinner now, it was lovely to see you.." or say your dc is tired and you need to end things or something.. just something to get them to leave or else they will do it everytime!
Regarding both attending a playdate I agree it is a bit much but can also see that perhaps if the dad has been at work all week he might really want to see his dc at the w/e. We have just the 1dc and have found it a bit tricky so far with birthday parties as it seems a bit of a shame to leave dh at home. though things are a bit different for us as dc still very young and napping so not so many hrs in the day iyswim and also far too young to even consider leaving.

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 10:32

'very thick skin' is the phrase to describe them; no matter what I do they just ignore it and carry on as if nothing happened. My ds is very good friends with theirs so I can't wait for the secondary school. I hear parents are less involved.

OP posts:
lljkk · 17/12/2011 10:42

hahaha, give and take, yeah RIGHT.
The only sure way to (probably only very occasionally) get invites back is to become mates with the other parents. They will not invite back otherwise, I find, 85% of the time. About 15% are very conscientious inviter-backs, but they not be any of the parents in your child's year group.

yes that will be lovely, perhaps before half term? let me check it when I get home.and will get back to you...'

And you fell for it :(. They are lying, pure and simple. It's like asking "Are you alright?" when they obviously don't want a true answer. Just a social nice-ity.

At least I haven't had the problem of being expected to feed meals to uninvited accompanying adults, though, that's taking the P to new heights.

bejeezus · 17/12/2011 10:57

Please don't think this is normal for our culture! It's really really not!

Where do you live?!! It's rude. But in swung with it, maybe take their lead and invite yourself and your son to their house- presumably they wouldn't be offended if that's how it seems to go in their social circle.

Depending on age of child, I think 1 parent accompanying on first visit is normal round here; just because they don't know you. But both parents? For dinner? They're having a laugh! Unless your invites are a bit ambiguous?

That said though, one mum did bring her cousin round for food once and I've also ended up entertaining and feeding a teenage sister who was sent along to chaperone!

bejeezus · 17/12/2011 10:59

Swung? In dealing with it...

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 11:05

One of them invites my ds and even myself then right on the day she will say that something came up!! I am not falling for it at all, I am just in shock most of the time. I have never come across such thing in my life and I lived in many countries in the past. I live in the SE at the moment.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 17/12/2011 11:08

I would continue saying no I'm too busy and eventually they will get the hint. Or you could ask them when they are next free, and say great we will meet at yours then! If they can be cheeky so can you.

buggyRunner · 17/12/2011 11:11

All my dd's friends take turns- sometimes it makes more sense at certain houses than others- ie 1 friend has a massive house and likes to be the host, we live on a park and so that's a good reason for ours more etc.

bejeezus · 17/12/2011 11:19

Ahhh...that's easy then OP

Move to the south-west. Problem solved! Wink

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 11:28

A massive house? that's us then. my ds is the one who lives in the nassive house. His classmates keep saying it and some call it the big mansion!! my ds doesn't like it at all, I guess he just wants to fit in and we just want to be treated the way we reat others never mind the size of the house.

OP posts:
fluffy123 · 17/12/2011 11:37

How about making something up like you are having new carpets laid when someone asks to visit. The mother says her child would love to get together with your child next Tuesday or whenever. You say great I am having such and such done in my house what time shall we come to your house? And keep saying it .

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2011 11:42

How long have you lived in the house Blue?

Maybe it's a curiosity thing and they'll all stop wanting a nosey eventually?

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 11:51

I try to show grace in the face of extreme rudeness. I add in a healthy mix of saying what I am expecting to happen - sometimes bluntness is the only way.

I arrange a start and end time and include the expected timetable in messages.

I am wise to last minute changes when rude family are due to host Xmas Wink.

G1nger · 17/12/2011 11:56

They probably assume you have lots of money and can afford to buy them Chinese food. Reciprocation is very important to decent people.

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 12:22

OP I am only posting in AIBU and not on your thread in Primary Education. Hope you can see them now. Our experiences our very similar (except large house).

Original poster
BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 13:00

Thank you eggrules, it is easier for me. no need to post on both. I have started both threads not expecting much interest but you have been all very kind with your post. I just wish my imediate surrounding is as generous.

I have been a couple of years in my home. I don't think it is curiosity when it is the 20th time. After seeing all these posts I am starting to believe it's just greed.
When I go to a new place (culture) I take time to get to know the customs,... I must say I have been struggling here and many times I ended up in tears. I want to be nice, I want to be welcoming, I want to be able to share food, laughter, care, friendship,...but it has been difficult so far. I don't like to be taken advantage of and I have never had this in my life before.

When I say I was in tears many times, it is really true:(

OP posts:
G1nger · 17/12/2011 13:05

Chances are always that if you feel taken advantage of then you are being. Sorry. It's important for you to set ground rules from now on - and no more free meals! This can happen to all of us - it's not just you x

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 13:05

It really isn't normal. In my case this is one couple out of many friends and parents of my son's friends. This isn't a custom it is selfish and greedy.

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