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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

playdates? give and take?

71 replies

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:20

I am from a different culture and haven't been in the UK that long so I am still very confused and need your help.
Invitations? How does it work here? What is right & what is wrong?
I seem to invite children so they come with their parents, they don't invite my ds to theirs but they are always happy to come to ours and even invite themselves to our home; (Shall we get the dc together? Shall we come over next weel/this Friday?).
Is it normal here?
I really appreciate any posts on this because I am really confused!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 13:10

BlueElephant90 - it certainly isn't the norm. These people are taking advantage of your hospitality and your inability to say 'No'. Some of them might be a little embarassed to invite you back to their home if it's smaller/not as nice as yours, but they just need to get over it.

You might be better trying to make new friends - even if they aren't your sons best friends at school now, they might become better friends if they play together outside of school and you will get to meet other parents.

Also, you can just say 'Yes, that's fine x can come to play, I'll pick them both up after school and you can collect him at x time' There is no need to host the entire family just so your son can have his friends to play.

Please don't cry over it x Any other questions you have - you know where we are, don't suffer quietly thinking 'It's the british way'.

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 13:18

My DS has just turned 5. If the children concerned are 10/11 this isn't appropriate.

My plans is within 1/2 years or when my DS is comfortable visits will be unaccompanied. By exception I am still happy to get together in larger groups for holidays and birthdays.

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 13:18

Very kind words chippingIn. Thank you.

Eggrules: I am glad to hear from you that it is not the norm as you had similar experience.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2011 13:19

I didn't realise you had another thread on this subject, but having read it I've just realised your child is nearly 11yrs old??

There's no need for parents to accompany their kids to your house at all.

Just accept the child and refuse the parent's company...tell them YOU have things to do while the boys play.

I'm confused though because on another thread you said you've only been in the area 7 months?

IloveJudgeJudy · 17/12/2011 13:23

Blue, please don't think this is normal, but I do get where you are coming from. My DB and SIL have a bigger house than lots of their friends. SIL also used to get upset as everything was always at their house. That meant that she was left with the clearing-up when everyone had gone home, the making tea, etc. She said she wasn't worried about going to smaller houses, but it took a long time for it to sink in. She had to be very blunt about it in the end and say "no" when people wanted to come round or say "let's go to your house". My DN is also an only.

It definitely isn't normal that the parents come around, too, and particularly not both. Don't feed them dinner. It's normal for the DC to come to your house with your DC after school, quick play, easy, quick dinner and then, depending on age of DC, how well they know each other and each other's families, etc, home from about 6pm (some are even 5.30).

I am very sorry that you have had this impression of our country. It really is not the norm, but as you have probably seen from other threads, some people are just life's takers.

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 13:25

I thought it was mad for both parents to come when the DC concerned were almost 4. Those people are strange - we are both kind and great hosts

becstarsky · 17/12/2011 13:34

I must admit I've been guilty of repeatedly not reciprocating invitations with a few of DSs friends. First reason is that I'm ashamed of our home in comparison to our friends. We currently have 4 people living in a very small 2 bed flat, and my friends all seem to live in houses with gardens.

Second reason which is slightly related - their children don't understand about small space living as they are not used to it, so they do things like swinging things around and knocking everything over, jumping up and down a lot (downstairs neighbours go ballistic about this), pulling everything out - ie all the toys without putting the last lot away - which in our flat is just not possible, we don't have the space for it. The children also comment to DS 'why aren't you in a house? Why don't you have a garden?' constantly - totally innocent on their part but he has had a cry after they've left a couple of times. They also don't understand that if they break something we can't afford to replace it - for their parents if something is broken they go to the shop and get a new one. So they are a bit 'grabby' with the TV and computer and suchlike and I don't think their DPs understand why I'm so stressed about them grabbing things. Their DPs don't tell them off because I don't think they understand either as they have never been in this situation.

We also live a bit further away from the school which makes pick up/drop off more difficult - three of DS's friends live literally opposite the school so if they say 'want to pop into ours?' as we come out of the gates I sometimes say 'yes' but inviting them to ours is a bit more of a production.

And then there's behaviour which I've slightly touched on above. Some of my DSs friends are so badly behaved that I don't want them at mine, but if I get a repeated sincere invitation for DS to go to theirs and DS really wants to go then I'll take them up on it.

And finally - I don't like DS to have too many playdates. If I reciprocated all of them then he'd have two or three a week, and it's just too much.

I have never invited DS to someone else's house though. I usually only say 'yes' to him going to someone's house after repeated specific invitations.

Earlybird · 17/12/2011 13:36

Are your standards so high that they feel intimidated?

Does your culture/religion require special food? Or are you very particular?

Asking because one family invites dd over regularly. After a few miserable experiences when i tried to reciprocate, I don't try any more because this family is unbelievably picky about food (often bring their own to parties - and it is not because of allergies, etc). In fact, it is even difficult to go out to a restaurant with them (unless it is their choice).

So at this point, we accept invitations and don't invite back.

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 13:39

eggrules :)

Worraliberty: we bought a second home around Reading 7 months ago. We are thinking of moving over there for secondary school. I haven't settled in the area where we are.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2011 13:41

Oh right well at least this won't be a problem for much longer then

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 13:49

2 terms to go.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2011 13:53

Well that's good then

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 14:08

Thank you all for your support. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 15:00

BEC: I have the other way around. My house is always very tidy even though it is big my ds is not allowed to behave the way you described. Usually when the other children come over, some go crasy, they behave as if they are in a park. running around, using everything at the same time. In my ds's play room there is a drink cooler and a snack area. I am always shocked at how it is used and abused by some children. They break up his toys, they do some not nice things.
So far they always compliment my ds on his good manners and some even worried that their dc don't match up! I always show them that I like their dc no matter what. I am not just saying , I really do love children even the ones that are not kind to my ds because they are still children and with some kind guidance they could end up wonderful adults.

Earlybird: At the beginning I thought so ( I do have high standards for me and my ds but I accept others way of life). If they are intimidated, why they invite themselves to mine then? Why not propose to go somewhere else?

OP posts:

amerryscot · 17/12/2011 15:08

OP, I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

I think that some people are just reluctant to have other people over to their house, for whatever reason.

It would be nice if they brought a cake or something to your house - but there is no way to suggest this (unless you tell your DS to say it to his friend).

Once someone has been to your house, they are duty bound to help you in an emergency (eg to pick up your child from school if you are running late).

If you are not happy with the lack of reciprocation, then stop inviting. If someone invites themselves over to you, tell them you have workmen in and that it will have to be at their place.

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 15:09

I have started this thread because I have been asking my dh to leave England. As my ds will be starting a secondary school next year. Ther are thing that I like in England and wherever I lived before my friends were mainly English. Having lived here now I realise that my expat friends are nothing like my surroundings here.
I really just wanted to find out if that's the way it is everywhere or just around me and I am glad that from your posts this is not the norm.

someone talked about food, diet, religion,...no nothing different there and let's face it if Chinese food is good enough for them in my house then it will be good enough in theirs! A glass of water is fine with me and my ds as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 15:16

Thank you amerryscot:) The last thing I want to start thinking is that I am doing something wrong by being hospitable. I might as well start packing now
:(

OP posts:

amerryscot · 17/12/2011 15:26

I really feel for you, blue, having been an expat myself. It can be really hard. You have learn everything in a few short weeks as an adult that took you a whole childhood to learn.

Some communities can be really disappointing, whether you are homegrown or from overseas.

Please don't feel you have to pack your bags. This is a fantastic country to live in. I know when I was expat (in the USA) that I tried to find the best of my new country and bring the best of the UK. It was a win-win. But it takes effort, and sometimes it is one step forward and two-steps backwards. At other times, you will feel differently.

Think about posting in the 'Living Overseas' forum for support from those going through the same thing.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 15:26

'Drinks machine & snack area in DS's playroom'.... I can see why all the kids want to come to your house!!

How far away from Reading are you now? I live not too far away from there :) Reading is such a diverse area, you might enjoy it more.

I can't believe these kids are 11 - it is highly unusual for a parent to go, let alone stay! All very odd. I think you are being far too hospitable and you have met some people who are just taking advantage of you.

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 15:41

Thank you amerryscot I will check the 'living Overseas' forum.

Chipping: We bought our place in the Reading area few months ago, we spend some weekends over there and some time during the holidays, trying to get to know the area a bit more and the schools. So far it seems nice and pleasant.
With A fresh start I will have a fresh atittude :)

OP posts:

becstarsky · 19/12/2011 15:51

You sound very lovely and hospitable. Awful that you've got people inviting themselves over and then the children not behaving themselves either. I hope that you meet some better mannered English people - we aren't all as bad as that, I promise!

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