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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

arrangements for christmas meal. am i being fair?

57 replies

shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:13

My parents book a panto every year and take me, dh and 4 dc out for a meal afterwards. they pay for everything and it is lovely. we are very grateful as we couldn't afford to do it. usually they come back to our house and socialise for a bit. This year they asked when to book it and we chose a date which we thought would be fine. They said money's a bit tight this year so could we get a take away instead after the panto and of course i said we didn't EXPECT a meal and we would pay for a take away instead (feeling terrible inside and wishing we could afford to take us all out). Now dh's parents have booked a meal for us all on the same date for his brothers birthday. Brother is usually away but has decided to come home this year. Dh wants me to tell my parents that we are going out with his parents that night and to forget the take away and ask them to babysit as well! I feel like this would be using them, to go to panto which they have paid for then disappear, leaving them with the kids! Dh says, as his parents never ask us and my parents always do (they are often here helping out with kids etc) it is unfair on his parents. Aibu? I feel that the reason we see more of my parents is because they are here all the time helping out. His parents do help us too (we are lucky, i know) and we go to theirs either once or twice a week. We hardly ever go to my parents but they come here three times a week (once for a visit and twice because they have come to look after the kids). I am trying to be fair but.... well what do you think? Don't want to snub anyone but in my book, if something's arranged already you can't just unarrange it!

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/12/2011 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2011 23:19

I think it depends on your parents to be honest.

I know mine would totally understand and so would my PILs if the situation was reversed.

On the other hand, I know a few parents who would get upset.

Not much help am I?

MsMarple · 15/12/2011 23:20

I agree, you have already made plans and it would be very rude to cancel them.

NewShooz · 15/12/2011 23:21

Did DHs parents not check that you were free before booking their meal?

MsMarple · 15/12/2011 23:21

Do you think if you explained the situation to your in-laws, that they might invite your parents to the meal as well?

Kayano · 15/12/2011 23:21

I would say that's awful for
Your parents!

Per existing arrangements win I think, it seems like just ditching them after they have paid for their part!

Tell your DH that would be awful! Tell his parents no or
To arrange a day you are all free!

IneedAChristmasNickname · 15/12/2011 23:22

I also agree, you have made plans, imo ILs should have checked you were free before booking!

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 15/12/2011 23:24

Wy didn't you immediately decline because of pre-existing arrangements?

Sorry if that sounds a bit Downton Abbey - but you had already got plans and they should be stuck to.

DH's parents can re-arrange.

suzikettles · 15/12/2011 23:24

I agree with worra. My parents wouldn't think anything of it if this situation came up, and in fact would be completely bemused if something special had cropped up and I hadn't told them about it for fear of offending them.

Could you have them round to yours for a meal the next night?

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 15/12/2011 23:25

MsMarple may be on to an idea, if people chip in.

Original poster

shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:32

No they didn't check we were free, just hoped. I'm not sure if in-laws would understand if we explained situation, they might but they have babysat in the past so we could go out with my family for birthdays etc so may feel put out that not working in reverse. the thing is my parents would normally babysit butin this situation think they would feel snubbed. also, my uncle (who never visits) will be here so they couldn't really have him here for three days only to disappear for one night to babysit!!
In-laws probably wouldn't think of inviting parents to meal tbh, but if they did, then there would be no-one to look after the kids and at least 2 of them are too young for the fine dining that has been booked so that wouldn't help really.
As I've left it, I said that i would stay at home with younger kids and parents so dh and oldest ds could go to meal. Dh not happy as says everything has to revolve round my parents but it's not that, it's just THEY ARRANGED IT FIRST!!

OP posts:

Original poster

shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:39

In-laws can't rearrange as

it's brothers birthday
it's cheap night at local 'fine dining establishment'
brother returns home the following day!

My parents can't rearrange as

have already paid for panto
want to entertain uncle who returns home following day

Aaargh!!

OP posts:

IteotYEARawki · 15/12/2011 23:40

But everything isn't revolving around your parents, it's just that you have a prior commitment for that night which should take precedence! From the sounds of it, the yearly "panto and meal" is also a long standing tradition.

I would either check to see if panto tickets could be rebooked to a different night (having made sure your parents were free & ok with that) or tell DHs parents that you are very sorry but have a prior commitment that evening. If your parents had booked a meal instead of a takeaway would your DH be expecting them to cancel that too?

Alternatively tell his parents they shouldn't assume you are free without checking and ask if the meal with them can be rebooked to a different date. (This is assuming they didn't ask your DH if you were free and he said "yes" without realizing or checking, which is something my DH would do!)

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 23:42

i would tell in-laws that the date is already booked and ask them to either rebook a different date, or say you are really sorry, but you cant do that date..

IteotYEARawki · 15/12/2011 23:43

X post.

In that case, good manners would dictate that you spend the evening with your parents as previously arranged.

Not sure I'd be impressed with my kids if we made plans for something but they dropped me for a better offer (and then expected me to babysit).

Casmama · 15/12/2011 23:45

I think your solution sounds best. Its not stopping your dh from going so I'm not sure why he is so bothered. It does sound like you see a lot of both sets of parents though - up to five times a week between the two sets - think that would be a bit much for me.

Oggy · 15/12/2011 23:46

Agree about pre-existing arrangements. This is a very firm rule in my book except for exceptional circumstances

MrsKwaziipanFruits · 15/12/2011 23:50

Could you have dinner with your parents and uncle after the panto, and your DH go out with his family? Like you, I think it would be rude to renege on your existing arrangements with your parents.

Original poster

shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:52

Well actually ITEOT, dh did sort of imply when told about meal that it would be fine then asked me later if anything was arranged for that date and I said yes don't you remember etc etc. :)
If i had answered the phone i would have just said sorry we've not free, can we rearrange but dh didn't. Problem is that he thinks cos his parents never really arrange anything that we should drop everything when they do but i don't think that's fair!!!

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 15/12/2011 23:53

why not buy them a takeaway and ask them to sit for you. maybe arrange somthing nice for them the next day? a small treat?

skybluepearl · 15/12/2011 23:55

cn you have lunch with your parents before the panto instead?

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 15/12/2011 23:57

Surely the kids would actually prefer Panto and Takeaway rather than an adult meal in a restaurant. Why dont you and the kids go with your parents, and if DH feels he should be there fore his bros meal he should go alone / during or after the Panto.

NewShooz · 15/12/2011 23:57

I think it's a bit daft for them to book without checking with you first, Especially when they know you will also have to check if your parents are free as well, so that they can babysit for you.

I think you have come up with the best idea yourself tbh and I wouldn't say it revolves around your parents...they booked first, and their night has now been interrupted because of the ILs.

Original poster

shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:57

Casmama, i can't really compalin about the five times a week as 4 of them are when they are picking up/ looking after my dc so we actually only see both sets of parents once a week socially (i.e. to visit rather than to look after someone). As my parents do most of the looking after (as his parents don't want to!) its mostly my parents we see!

OP posts:

oreocrumbs · 15/12/2011 23:57

Can your parents go to the meal with your PIL?

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