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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

arrangements for christmas meal. am i being fair?

57 replies

shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:13

My parents book a panto every year and take me, dh and 4 dc out for a meal afterwards. they pay for everything and it is lovely. we are very grateful as we couldn't afford to do it. usually they come back to our house and socialise for a bit. This year they asked when to book it and we chose a date which we thought would be fine. They said money's a bit tight this year so could we get a take away instead after the panto and of course i said we didn't EXPECT a meal and we would pay for a take away instead (feeling terrible inside and wishing we could afford to take us all out). Now dh's parents have booked a meal for us all on the same date for his brothers birthday. Brother is usually away but has decided to come home this year. Dh wants me to tell my parents that we are going out with his parents that night and to forget the take away and ask them to babysit as well! I feel like this would be using them, to go to panto which they have paid for then disappear, leaving them with the kids! Dh says, as his parents never ask us and my parents always do (they are often here helping out with kids etc) it is unfair on his parents. Aibu? I feel that the reason we see more of my parents is because they are here all the time helping out. His parents do help us too (we are lucky, i know) and we go to theirs either once or twice a week. We hardly ever go to my parents but they come here three times a week (once for a visit and twice because they have come to look after the kids). I am trying to be fair but.... well what do you think? Don't want to snub anyone but in my book, if something's arranged already you can't just unarrange it!

OP posts:
Original poster
shelsco · 15/12/2011 23:59

Skyblue- good idea normally but problem is that uncle is up for three days and my parents do not want to spend one of the days he is here babysitting!!

OP posts:
Original poster
shelsco · 16/12/2011 00:02

OREO Babysitting problem means that parents and PIL can't go for meal together, unfortunately

OP posts:
suzikettles · 16/12/2011 00:03

Well, if your parents have already said they don't want to babysit because your uncle's here then there's no problem. Even if you hadn't been going to the panto you still couldn't have gone for the meal.

Your plan for dh to go is perfectly reasonable.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 16/12/2011 00:13

Suzi hits the bullseye. It's actually not physically possible for you and DH to go to the meal due to lack of babysitter. Your compromise -DH and DS go to meal, you stay home with other kids, GPs and uncle and takeaway- is the only workable solution.

Spermysextowel · 16/12/2011 00:23

My sainted mother takes me & boys (yep, not too old at 12 v& 14) to the panto & then tradition has it that we go to GBK after. If I told her I'd be shooting off shortly after the show for a gourmet dinner & oh, by the way can you babysit, she'd say that it was fine.

But I would know that behind that stoic front she'd be really upset. I think your DPs already feel they've not kept with tradition by not being able to take you out for dinner after; your bro in law will prob not be around next year & you'll have risked snubbing your parents for an unplanned event.
I'd stick with your plan to stay at home with parents & younger children. DH gets to show a united front with his parents & you get to have a relaxed time with yours.

sashh · 16/12/2011 05:29

OK call dh parents - explain about the panto and ask THEM to invite your parents - pay for your parents meal as a treat (even if your parnets pay and you pay them back £1 a week)

Flubba · 16/12/2011 05:38

Your DH is being silly for a start. If you make arrangements with someone, particularly if it's become a bit of a tradition, then you stick with those arrangements.

Can your kids go to the restaurant too? In which case could you not all go as sashh says? (Do your parents and his get on?) Bit odd for your BIL, but surely better than you all or half of you having to say no BECAUSE YOU HAD ALREADY GOT PLANS FOR THE EVENING (shouting because your DH doesn't seem to have understood that part of it Xmas Wink)

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 16/12/2011 05:41

No no. Existing arrangements win, it's incredibly rude to cancel on your parents even if they did appear to be understanding. Quite apart from the fact that a meal can be rearranged far more easily than theatre tickets which are presumably already bought and paid for.

If your DH going on his own is the only solution then so be it but, tbh I'd be pissed off if DH bailed out on a pre-existing arrangement too.

herecomesthsun · 16/12/2011 05:42

Your solution sounds very reasonable. Alternatively, could you get a babysitter and then you, your parents and your uncle could all go to the meal.

Original poster
shelsco · 16/12/2011 08:08

Glad not just me then cos i think pre-made plans win every time. Just with dh so insistent that i was being unfair just started to question my own judgement.
Flubba - would be great for us all to go including kids (which is what we do with my family) but younger kids not welcome at restaurant booked and i think his family don't really want them to go. they want to try this posh restaurant without kids there!

Anyway,dh is going with ds1 now and i'm staying with others and my family. i am pissed off that 2 of them are buggering off tbh but dh desperate to go out with his family who never go out and doesn't want to offend so hey ho. Just have to break it to my parents who will pretend its fine but secretly feel that my uncle who never sees ds1 is being made second best!!

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 08:28

What an odd attitude, your parental always ask you and that isn't fair on his parents?

MabelLucyAttwell · 16/12/2011 08:44

Anyone who has been brought up properly would know that a pre-existing commitment is stuck to even if it's less desirable than a possible new one (I don't think a pantomime and takeaway is less desirable). No one should take on another commitment for any reason whatsoever.

The Ils should have contacted the OP beforehand to check that they were available and not just assumed that they would be. With all the babysitting going on, it's obvious that the OP's are busy going out fairly frequently and it doesn't need more than one brain cell to work out that they might not be available. Of course, it's possible that they don't really want them there but were just inviting to be polite?

Your parents' arrangements should be stuck to because you were contacted beforehand with plenty of notice. The brother has an annual birthday so arrangements could have been made for that with far more notice given.

MabelLucyAttwell · 16/12/2011 08:45

And your parents' invitation includes your children. The IL's invitation does not.

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2011 08:58

Oh for goodness sake!

You had plans, you had made arrangements. You should have simply said 'sorry, cant come' we have already arranged to go out with....

Anything else sounds like your DH has had a better offer.

Bad manners and I would be cutting you out of my will.

iscream · 16/12/2011 09:18

Have not read any replies or further posts yet, but from the OP, it would be really rude to cancel when you already have made plans. Unless you asked your parents to change the date for a different night.

iscream · 16/12/2011 09:20

Now dh's parents have booked a meal for us all on the same date for his brothers birthday.
It would have been smart of them to actually ok that date with people first.

SantasENormaSnob · 16/12/2011 09:30

Unfair to cancel on your parents especially as it's the first year they can't afford to take you all out afterwards.

Makes dh look a bit of a twat IMO.

aquafunf · 16/12/2011 09:33

Have you actually just discussed this with them? just because every other year you have done one thing, doesnt mean surely that they are inflexible and would be upset by a minor change.

"mum and dad, we have just found out that Bob is going to home for his birthday and Bob Snr and Jenny would like to take the chance to have the whole family together. We can still do the panto, is there any chance that if we get you a takeaway in, you could baby sit for a few hours?"

Hardly seems like an issue to me..................

mamalovebird · 16/12/2011 09:38

I agree that pre-existing arrangements take precendence. They should have checked you were free first. It's rude to cancel your parents just because your BIL has decided he wants to come back for his birthday.

Unless you DH can go to your PIL's meal and you stay with your parents? That's the only compromise I'd be prepared to make.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 16/12/2011 09:43

"hi mum and dad, we're ok to let you pay for the panto but we've had a better offer for afterwards so, as you can't afford to take us out as usual, do you mind having the kids for us while we go out for a meal with someone else?"

i know that's not how the op is thinking but it's how it might look if they offer that as a suggestion. No matter how much of a lovely parent I was, I'd think that was a bloody cheek.

SarkyWench · 16/12/2011 09:56

Sounds to me like your DH said yes to the date without realising and is being defensive because he doesn't want his parents to realise that he has fucked up.

PicaK · 16/12/2011 10:08

Can I just say that the prob here is your DH who said yes fine without looking at a calendar and then when the problem is presented to him blames you and your parents. Are u sure u r not married to my husband?!

I think the best solution would be for you to invite everyone to your house and cooked with your mum doing a starter and inlaws a pudding. That hijacks part of your parents evening but allows for seeing the bil which is important too.

OldeChestnut · 16/12/2011 10:12

yes it would be using your parents, and if were me, I would feel very hurt and used.

Original poster
shelsco · 16/12/2011 12:17

PicaK -lol. It is actually dh's fault. i would have just said no sorry we've got other arrangements but he didn't bother to check and so blaming my parents. (Also would rather go with his mum and dad).

I've asked them all to my house for a meal on numerous occasions but his dad doesn't like coming and sits on the edge of his chair looking at his watch and saying he feels ill!! He likes to stay in his own house or occasionally go out for a meal but feels uncomfortable in other people's houses from what I can gather!

In fact they are coming to us for christmas dinner although they didn't really want to and made a bit of a song and dance out of it cos they like to host everything. The restaurant where they have booked the meal is about 5 minutes walk from their house so they will have the meal then go back to their house for the rest of the evening!!

OP posts:
snuffaluffagus · 16/12/2011 12:24

Why does your DS1 need to go? Wouldn't it be best if he stayed with you? Or does he WANT to go? I think it's a bit rude of your husband to whisk him away.. but in your situation, I would be honest with your parents just say - husband has been a bit shit and double booked himself for tonight so has to go off to dinner for his brother's birthday.

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