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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my BIL to take DS's present back?

95 replies

AKMD · 15/12/2011 12:49

DS is 21mo. BIL has bought him a quad bike for Christmas. He phoned me just after he bought it and said that he'd got it even though he knew I wouldn't like it. I don't like it. We don't have space for it, we don't live close enough to a park for DS to be able to get much use out of it and I really don't want to set a precedent for buying expensive presents for DS when we made it clear to family last year that we are in favour of keeping presents simple.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Last Christmas FIL called me to say he was thinking of buying DS a sit-in baby walker. I said thankyou but we had looked into baby walkers and didn't want one for DS because of xyz reason. He bought it anyway and brought it round and was then offended when DH asked him to take it back. MIL called me earlier this year to say she had bought DS a ride-in car. DH asked her to take it back for exactly the same reasons as we don't want the quad bike.

I feel awful keeping on asking the ILs to take presents back as I was brought up that you receive any presents gracefully, no matter how awful you might think them, and that it is bad manners to do anything else, but I'm also feeling quite cross with BIL for knowingly putting us in this situation again. MIL has already told me not to tell him to take it back because he's so excited about giving it to DS but I feel that they are completely disregarding our wishes in favour of making a big show. If DS gets it BIL will want to see him on it and ask about it over and over. AIBU to ask him to take it back?

OP posts:

scrappydoodah · 15/12/2011 17:21

Why are people so utterly horrible about presents. It's mean. Does he have children himself? It sounds like he has no clue, but wants to do something nice. Would it really kill you to say thanks so much, we love it, but oh dear we haven't the space. Could it stay at (x y or z) for DS to use when we visit?

Every year I buy my niece a present. Every year my sister throws it away, for being too expensive/too cheap/too this/too that.... and every year I cry buckets (am pathetically over sensitive..).

Tis the season of goodwill, extend that to the poor man, he's just a bit crap with presents. Most men are

CaptainMartinCrieff · 15/12/2011 17:35

The only thing I think you're being unreasonable about is the ride on. I have nowhere to store one either which is why my DS's sits in our hallway. We too have steps, but he's always supervised. He's 20 months and loves it. The walker and the quad bike you're not at all unreasonable. Maybe you need to really only filter out the totally inappropriate... If you're always refusing their gifts you'll end up looking like the baddie!

dontletthebellsend · 15/12/2011 17:52

He doesn't sound like he wants to do something nice to me, he sounds like he wants to be annoying. He knows the OP doesn't want it and won't like it but has bought it anyway. You just don't buy massive and inappropriate presents which need heavily supervising for someone else's child.

My friend, who lives in a small upstairs flat ended up with this

Original poster

AKMD · 15/12/2011 20:32

Funnily enough dontlettheBellsend that ride-on train was also a possibility

Scrappy I would definitely say that rather than a flat refusal but as pointed out before, there is nowhere suitable. BIL lives with FIL, whose garden has lots of steps and a pond in it. The steps are an issue at our house because the garden is so small he would hardly be able to turn round without going down them.

I think we will eBay it. What a waste :(

OP posts:

2rebecca · 15/12/2011 21:05

I'm happy with baby walkers in moderation and my kids enjoyed theirs. I wouldn't be happy with a quad bike though. It's the sort of presents farmers with acres of land get their school age kids, not a present for a toddler in a normal house.
In our family we all just ask the parents what they want us to get and get it. It reduces sponteneity a bit but means we don't fall out over presents and the kids are usually happy with their presents.

redwineformethanks · 15/12/2011 21:10

Up to him if he wants to waste money on a present that won't be used. would Be Rude to make a big show of returning it

zipzap · 16/12/2011 01:19

Or just tell him up front that if he brings it to give to dc, it will either be returned (difficult if used but get more money for your dc to spend on something else or save). Or it will be ensued off - even for a low price.

And tjat bil is the one that needs to explain why - properly! - to your dc this present is appearing and disappearing.

sashh · 16/12/2011 05:08

If BIL brought round a bottle of whisky for your baby would you greatfully accept it and then hide it / dispose it?

Tell BIL to return it and produce an 'approved list' of things he can buy.

NunTheWiser · 16/12/2011 05:19

Get your DH to tell him not to get such an unsuitable gift and give him some alternative ideas. You don't want this to be a SIL/DIL issue. He's your DH's son too so your DH should be sorting this out.

Bubbaluv · 16/12/2011 05:44

For me it would depend if it was a real quad bike but slightly smaller or a toy like the ones I've seen in the shops recently. The toys are not what's in that article as they are far too small for an adult to sit on and they only go very very very slowly (a friend's DS has one). My friend's DS just rides it round their living room, but their living room is HUGE!!
I would accept it and re-gift it, but then I do that with lots of the toys the boys get.

Bubbaluv · 16/12/2011 05:54

What about saying that you will happily accept it if they can think of somewhere to store it? If it's the battery operated type then he no more needs a helmet to ride it than he does running around the garden. He's also no more likely to fall in the pond or down steps on it than he is walking and I assume he's not left unsupervised by the pond?

milkjetmum · 16/12/2011 06:48

Yabu. Accept gift with good grace, your son might love it.

I think the fact that you are so stressed about it and that your ILs have all felt the need to warn you in advance (not the norm for pressies IMO) suggests you are a bit high maintenance...

peggyblackett · 16/12/2011 06:52

YANBU. I would not want DS (21 mo) on a quad bike. How age inappropriate!

peggyblackett · 16/12/2011 06:53

Although I agree with others that better to accept it graciously then re-gift it/ sell it.

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 06:58

set up an amazon wish list well in advance for birthdays and Xmas next year. i think you have to request that he takes it back as it's not a small thing and you don't have the space. I'd hate to be given any of those things too as we tend to try and keep the clutter down a bit. have you got something you can suggest he can get instead?

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 07:00

I'd ask him nicely then if he doesn't, aim to sell it on quietly in Jan. He will ask after it but just be honest and polite

nooka · 16/12/2011 07:07

I always discuss with my siblings the presents I am buying for their children, because I want to buy presents that are wanted, needed and appreciated. Why on earth would anyone deliberately choose to purchase something that they know is not wanted, not needed and will not be appreciated?

I don't think it is unreasonable to tell your BIL again that the present is unsuitable and ask him either to take it back himself or to give you the receipt. ebaying something that big will be a right nuisance and waste both his and your money.

If you have a small house and garden then huge sit on toys just aren't an option.

lazydog · 16/12/2011 07:09

pigletmania "I would tell him that its totally unsuitable for your ds and to take it back and keep it until he is 21"

I so don't agree with the BIL buying something that he knew the OP wouldn't like her son having, but can't help PMSL at the thought of a kid not being allowed on a 3mph, battery powered quad until they turned 21

sue52 · 16/12/2011 08:26

It sounds like he's buying it for his own inner child rather than your DS. Tell him it's an inappropriate gift for a 21 month old, that you have no where to store it and you are a bit miffed that your wishes as parents are being disregarded. It might cause some upset and even offense but if you don't make your views clear at this stage, your BIL will be buying stupid presents for years to come.

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2011 08:52

YANBU
It sounds like BiL is a bit immature and is trying to be showy offy by giving the biggest present.

Tell BiL that the new toy wont be kept at your house and that your DS wont be using that sort of toy until he is a lot older and then under proper supervision. As a result either you can take it in then ebay it or BiL can return it to the shops.

Tell BiL that to avoid confusing and upsetting your DS he (DS) wont be allowed to sit on the toy/have a go/whatever.

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