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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my BIL to take DS's present back?

95 replies

AKMD · 15/12/2011 12:49

DS is 21mo. BIL has bought him a quad bike for Christmas. He phoned me just after he bought it and said that he'd got it even though he knew I wouldn't like it. I don't like it. We don't have space for it, we don't live close enough to a park for DS to be able to get much use out of it and I really don't want to set a precedent for buying expensive presents for DS when we made it clear to family last year that we are in favour of keeping presents simple.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Last Christmas FIL called me to say he was thinking of buying DS a sit-in baby walker. I said thankyou but we had looked into baby walkers and didn't want one for DS because of xyz reason. He bought it anyway and brought it round and was then offended when DH asked him to take it back. MIL called me earlier this year to say she had bought DS a ride-in car. DH asked her to take it back for exactly the same reasons as we don't want the quad bike.

I feel awful keeping on asking the ILs to take presents back as I was brought up that you receive any presents gracefully, no matter how awful you might think them, and that it is bad manners to do anything else, but I'm also feeling quite cross with BIL for knowingly putting us in this situation again. MIL has already told me not to tell him to take it back because he's so excited about giving it to DS but I feel that they are completely disregarding our wishes in favour of making a big show. If DS gets it BIL will want to see him on it and ask about it over and over. AIBU to ask him to take it back?

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 15/12/2011 13:08

YANBU not to want it if you can't store/use it due to space/park access but YABU about the danger thing. The link relates to a toddler on an adult quad. On a child's one with a helmet is not much more dangerous than a bike!?!

belgo · 15/12/2011 13:08

Agree with that Quenelle.

wannaBe · 15/12/2011 13:08

well with baby walkers it's all about moderation, IMO.

presumably the quad bike is age-appropriate, if not you could reject it on those grounds.

I think the problem here is that you are rejecting all presents from your ILs and in truth you can't blame them for being upset about that. Baby walkers for instance are widely available, and the general advice is that they be used for short periods not extended periods of time, so there's no reason your ILs would have thought they were bad - it's generally an opinion thing iyswim. Millions of babies have them and don't come to harm.

I can see the issue re the quad bike, my mum wanted to buy my ds something similar when he was about three iirc and we lived too far away from the park too so I discouraged it. But in conjunction with all the other presents you've rejected you have dug yourself a bit of a hole I'm afraid.

pigletmania · 15/12/2011 13:11

Is your BIL mad , you do not get a 21month old a quad bike! I would tell him that its totally unsuitable for your ds and to take it back and keep it until he is 21.

festivehumptydumpty · 15/12/2011 13:11

YANBU, it's an entirely inappropriate gift.

they will already be aware of your location / proximity to parks (or lack of)
they've already been warned about not purchasing gifts like this
it doesn't fit with what your family values (simple gifts, safe ones)

You hit the nail on your head when you said your BIL is ignoring your clearly-defined, reasonable position and basically saying "sod them, I want to give it, so I will". He's overstepping the boundaries of what is and is not ok when it comes to present buying.

I wouldn't accept it either. I would make it clear that the thought was appreciated, but essentially, not apologetic about not being able to accept it. Apart from the space, time, money/etc aspect - he's clearly done something that you've asked not to happen. So your BIL is hardly the bastion of gift etiquette himself.

ceebie · 15/12/2011 13:11

Oh, just seen tabulahrasa's post, and am possibly changing my mind just a teensy bit. If it is GENUINELY SAFE for his age to use (and in any case is unlikely to be used without adult supervision), could you not accept it but keep it at in-laws house for use there?

Candid · 15/12/2011 13:12

I'm sure your Bil just wants to spoil your ds.
As long as it's age appropriate, I don't think theres anything wrong with a kids quad bike. Your ds will love it once he's old enough.

Does your mil have a big enough garden for it? You could keep it there.

Original poster

AKMD · 15/12/2011 13:12

The battery operated ones you get for toddlers have a top speed of about 3 and a half miles an hour, which is walking speed really. They'd not move with an adult and a toddler on them.

Not that I'd have one because of all the other reasons you've said - but just so you know he's not quite as irresponsible as you think.

I know but I would still want him to wear a helmet wearing it (don't care if it is PFB, this is my son's safety). I can just see him going straight into the duck pond :(

MIL lives in a flat so keeping it at hers wans't an option. My parents' garden also has steps, and FIL's has steps and a pond so it was just not going to happen. It was a shame really because they have those sit-in cars at nursery and DS loves them.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngel · 15/12/2011 13:14

YANBU surely at 21 months your DS is too young to use it anyway.

If you don't have the space you don't have the space and if they insist on giving it to you I'd warn them that it will have to stay in the garden. I've no idea how secure your garden is but it might make your in-laws reconsider in future if they think there's a chance something they buy could end up being stolen.

belgo · 15/12/2011 13:14

I agree with that AKMD - none of these toys can be used safely where there are steps - even the manufacturers say that in the instructions.

If they cannot be used safely, they should not be used at all, even in moderation.

Original poster

AKMD · 15/12/2011 13:15

I think the problem here is that you are rejecting all presents from your ILs and in truth you can't blame them for being upset about that.

When they call me beforehand and say that they're buying an unsuitable present, is it ok, and then I say no, and they buy it anyway I think they are being rude. If they actually listened to what I said then the issue would not arise. I don't like the fact that they come to me rather than DH because it is harder for me to say no.

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 15/12/2011 13:16

Oh I still don't think they're great, how's a baby supposed to work out steering? They're not exactly the best idea for a LO, just wanted to point out that they don't go at speed.

wannaBe · 15/12/2011 13:16

fgs it's not going to be a proper petrol-operated quad bike. It'll be one of those little electric ones that you charge off the mains and which then puts along at walking speed. Hardly a danger in the same vane as an actual quad bike. It's likely to be something like

\link{http://www.toysrus.co.uk/Toys-R-Us/Bikes-and-Rideons/Battery-Powered/6V-Red-Quad-Wing-Bike%280085329%29\this}

so hardly worthy of some of the hysterical comments on this thread.

SenoritaViva · 15/12/2011 13:16

Originally I thought you were being a bit unreasonable - I don't think you should worry too much about the expense of the gift - at this point your son won't really know the difference.

However, when I clicked on the link I see what you mean about taking up space. That is ridiculous and frankly if ILs are going to spend a lot of money and spoil children it should at least be on something they use. Safety aside (as there is debate as it is recommended for 2-4 yrs) if you live in a small house without an outside space for storage then this toy is impossible. Why can't the BIL buy a balance bike or something? I'd get DH to stick to your guns.

pigletmania · 15/12/2011 13:18

Oh right like the ones yuelling has given as examples. Its a toy one not an actual one, so you could keep it until your ds is a little older.

MrsHankey · 15/12/2011 13:19

YANBU, It seems like they aren't considering your opinion at all about these things.

I didn't let my DS have anything motorised and he has had great fun over the years with his little ride-ons and pedal quads, they've been his favourite toys.

No need for motorised vehicles when they so young, IMO.

festivehumptydumpty · 15/12/2011 13:19

pigletmania - but if the OP doesn't have space for it, she doesn't have space... and it can't be operated safely (steps), honestly... why would she want to keep the "gift" (aka assertion of BIL's will) for years, unused?

BIL is way out of order here IMHO.

Original poster

AKMD · 15/12/2011 13:20

I would just get on with it and forget the expense if a) DS was older, b) we had somewhere to keep it, and c) we had somewhere for DS to use it safely.

OP posts:

HollyGhost · 15/12/2011 13:22

Your DH has said no but they keep coming back to you, because they know it puts you in an awkward position? This is absurd. It is for your DH to deal with, seeing as his family are being so obnoxious.

You've said no. If they ask again, suggest a balance bike or a tricycle or scooter or something sensible as an alternative.

Accepting the quad bike is not an option because it would always be in your way, and always be a source of irritation.

bubby64 · 15/12/2011 13:24

Our MiL bought a ride in car for my boys for their 1st (yes FIRST!) birthday!
we couldn't get it in the front door, we had to take a garden panel off to get it in the back garden, where it sat taking up most of the room in our shed for several years, until the boys were old enought to use it. They rode it around our garden 3 times, then almost drove into the pond, so, at that point, I took some photos to please MiL, got them out, put it in shed again, and ASAP put it on EBay and sold it for enough to buy a little tykes climbing frame, which was much more suitable!
Thereafter we learned our lesson, and if PiL bought unsuitable gifts, despite being warned, we said "OK, but we WILL sell them and use the money to buy something which we feel is appropriate". After doing this twice, they gave up and either bought what we suggested, or gave usmoney towards a gift that we wanted the boys to have!

verytellytubby · 15/12/2011 13:25

Exchange it for a running bike.

DorisIsMerryOnChristmasSprits · 15/12/2011 13:30

Ring BIL back up and say you've been thinking about it and as you have nowhere to store it it will need to stay at HIS house.( regardless of where he lives (200 miles away with MIL...))

He needs to understand that if he buys enormous things he needs to find a home for them especially if the recients home is not suitable.

If he's says no then you could introduce taking it back and have an alternative suggestion ready...

Chandon · 15/12/2011 13:31

yabu and graceless, TBH

would it hurt to just say: "thank you" and use it (or not), and that's it?

Spiritedwolf · 15/12/2011 13:35

Despite being apparently age appropriate (1+) and not as terribly dangerous as 'quad bike' initially sounded, the item linked to says:

Vehicle not to be used on public highways (roads/pavements)
Vehicle must be used on private property with owner?s consent

If the OP has no where suitable for the toy to be played with then it is reasonable to refuse/return the gift. If the person giving the gift is willing to store it and a place for the child to play safely when they visit then I guess it would be tricky to refuse even if it's not something you would have choosen yourself as long as the child wears whatever protection you deem suitable and is supervised.

We live in a small flat, and I forsee having to be choosey about what gifts are accepted in future too...

RaraGigglePixie · 15/12/2011 13:49

Everyone saying that she should graciously accept it regardless, have you not read the numerous times that op has said she has no space to store it

Even if she wanted her son to use it, where do you suggest she keeps it?

Op, get your DH to tell the IL's that of you say No and have given your perfectly valid reasons as to why, they need to start respecting that.

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